A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Dear Cupid,I am a 25 years old guy and am planning to settle down. It seems i get emotional about small things and fear that i would be taken advantage of by people because of this. One big threat i have is that of getting forced to do something by women when having some emotional dependency / attachment with her. It is almost as if i go blind when i am attached or dependent on the other person and fail to understand the true intentions of the other person whether they are beneficial or detrimental for me personally. I wish to break out of this behavior so that i can be in control even when in a relationship. Please advice.Regards,Prash Reply to this Question
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female
reader, AskEve  +, writes (1 February 2007):
 Hi Prash,
Thank you for writing in. You say you are planning to settle down, I take it this is with your girlfriend? Do YOU want to settle down or is she pushing you into it?
You need to listen for alarm bells going off in your head, when someone says something to you then pause and think before you answer, give yourself some time to think it through first, learn not to be too passive and stand up for what you believe. If you can't then you'll be a doormat for the rest of your life and people will have no respect for you. You seem a sensible enough guy, you recognise that you have this problem so that's the first step.
Don't get me wrong, it's nice to be nice but there are limits. Just say no or sorry I can't, you don't even need to give a reason. Stand up for yourself! Once you do you'll see the difference and the more times you do it the more confident you'll become.
I wish you all the best.
Eve
A
female
reader, Jovial  +, writes (1 February 2007):
 apologies spelling mistake: right=write
also you must try to write things that you lack courage on doing on your own, write the reasons why you feel that way and write what you think might be the solution this will help you to know where you need to change,
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A
female
reader, Jovial +, writes (1 February 2007):
dear prash
i think what you lack is self confidence i dont know what might have triggered this on your part. get books on building self esteem they will really help you with facing up all your fears. if its a pschological impact maybe considering seeing a professional might help as well. remember at the end of the day it will be your strong will that will determine your ability to be independent. there is nothing wrong with being dependant but there is a limit to everything and inability of doing things on your own without your supporter is the problem. also you must try to right things that you lack courage on doing on your own, right the reasons why you feel that way and right what you think might be the solution this will help you to know where you need to change, because books are only there to motivate you but will not tell you where you lack, so self assessment is important while doing therapy.
good luck
jovial
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A
female
reader, vina_101 +, writes (1 February 2007):
 Has anyone ever taken advantage of you before? If a woman has hurt you in the past that does not mean to say that every woman you date after that will do the same. You cannot let bad experiences put you off. Give yourself a chance and when a woman shows interest don't judge her by the actions of another woman. Not all women are the same. Yes, some women have bad intentions and false motives but not every woman does.
Please don't look too much into things and stop dwelling on 'What if she takes advangtage of me.' Stop dwelling on the fear for one second and take that time to enjoy the relationship. The more you dwell on it, the more you think about it and the more you're going to look for the signs of their true intentions. And the more you look for the signs is the more you're going to magnify little actions and interpret things wrongly in a negative way.
If you keep holding on to this fear even if the woman proves to you that she'd never take advantage of you, you won't be convinced because you'll be too busy looking for signs. Let go of the fear, remove the negative thoughts from your mind don't worry about "what if." Cross that bridge when you come to it. For future relationships, don't read too much into things and just take things as they are.
You seem like a really caring guy who has a lot of love to give. And I would encourage you to give love freely without fearing the consequences.
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