A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi guys,I'm having a bit of a rough time at the minute. My relationship with my ex ended 2 years ago after several break-ups and him cheating. However, we do consider each other friends and do speak every so often. I thought i had moved on and put it all behind me, i have a boyfriend and he is lovely, but i suppose i just don't feel the same as i did with the ex.I genuinely thought i was past all this and it's getting me down. I think about the ex more often than i ever did before. It doesn't help that he now has a girlfriend, but i don't think that is the reason why it's bothering me. I wonder what other people have done to help themselves in situations like this.I feel ridiculous! I know i shouldn't be thinking and feeling the way i do, just annoyed with myself that it's getting me down...Thanks x
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you both for some interesting insights!
Guess I have some thinking to do...
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (27 March 2014):
 I agree with Cindy (as usual)
It DOES have something to do with him having a new GF,but not that alone.
EACH relationship is unique. You can not go into a relationship expecting the same fireworks and theme-song every time. If you do - them maybe the reason your current relationship isn't "feeling" the same can be because you are waiting for the other shoe to drop? (for the new guy to cheat)
Or maybe you have started to fall out of love with him. Which could also be why your ex all of a sudden is more "interesting" to your mind.
And keeping a cheating ex around as a "friend" I think is a dumb move. Unless you share a child, I just don't see the benefit for YOU in remaining friends.
I would seriously distance myself from the ex and figure out exactly how you feel about your current BF. He doesn't deserve a woman who is just "settling" for him. And you don't deserve to "settle" for a guy because he is nice.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (27 March 2014):
 I have to disagree, I think the fact that NOW he has a girlfriend may have quite something to do with your renewed wave of feelings. After all, you had moved on / were moving on before this gf, and the fact that you miss him more when you KNOW for sure that his interest is elsewhere can't be totally a coincidence, I think. It's half " dog in the manger " syndrome, half the fact that this has awakened a ( very normal ) competitive streak.
Anyway, perhaps you should just try to go no contact , if you really want to move on. What's this " being friends with the ex " hypocrisy? Well, hypocrisy is a strong world, I think you are in perfect good faith, but it does not take Einstein to realize that if you still have the hots or carry a torch for an ex LOVER, you can't be friends. Friends are just... friends, you don't have sexual or romantic feelings for them, you don't feel romantic longings, these things are the opposite of a normal friendship, so if you are still in touch to " be friends ", you are acting under false pretenses, and you are hurting yourself, and hindering the normal evolution of your break up and the emotional detachment that follows.
Plus, I don't know if a cheater deserves all this friendship... friends are supposed to be loyal and sincere, people you can trust 100% ... if he could stab you in the back as a lover, maybe he is not the most reliable and trustworthy even as a friend, and does not deserve your efforts to keep him close.
Summing it up, if you are serious about moving on, the best thing would be to just forget about him and exclude it from your life.
That does not mean, though, that it will magically solve the problems with your current bf. Maybe he is lovely , nevertheless - you just aren't that into him. Not always we can fall in love with people ... with whom it would be sensible and beneficial to fall in love. See how things go once you are serious about filing the ex under EX, but if you are still lukewarm toward the current one, well- maybe you are just not that into him regardless.
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