A
female
age
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*ubar
writes:I find it hard to ask for help myself though I often help other people, I guess its because Im concerned about being condemmned or made fun of so I hope someone can help.I have had quite a traumatic childhood and adult life so far but things had calmed down a little for about a year and, I had been doing quite well until about a year ago when everything in my world began going wrong and falling apart bit by bit, I hardly know where to start really and I apologise now as I know this is going to be a long post. Just over a year ago my daughter of then almost 17 was in the late stages of pregnancy, I had been having problems with her throughout the pregnancy with her intermittant binge drinking and smoking joints, (possibly taking other drugs) among other things like her almost total lack of hygiene and her speaking to me like dirt. Oct last year she went into labour and was admitted to a ward to wait for her to dilate more, I stayed the whole time and supported her as much as possible,she was eventually taken to the labour room where she became very abusive and nasty to everyone, swearing and threatening staff and myself when she was asked to stop using the gas and air so much in between the contractions, after only barely an hour of labour and being told she couldnt just have a c. section she wrapped her legs around themselves and refused to push swearing and hitting out at anyone who tried to touch her, in the end because of the danger to her child she was taken to theatre knocked out and my grandson was delivered by forceps, she seemed great with him at first, but within 2 days the staff were relaying worries to social services, I tried to tell her she would be watched by the staff and to pull her socks up, but she ignored me and 4 days later I got a call from her in hysterics as the social workers and police were removing him from the hospital, it turned out she had been shouting at him and had been leaving dirty clothes and nappies around, she also hadnt bathed or washed since being in hospital and there were complaints about the smell coming from her bed. She came to stay with me for a couple of weeks but became so abusive at my attempts to get her to sort herself out that she moved back to the flat that the s.s. had got her when pregnant, then because I wouldnt give her money on two occassions she contacted the s.s. and told them to stop making arrangements for me to see my grandson. Despite all this I still let her come and stay with me during mothers day week as she was feeling very weepy and to thank me for doing this she stole £50 from me before walking out. During this time a male friend who had allowed me to put my old classic car in his garage decided to stop all forms of communication with me, I tried contacting him by phone and text but nothing, he isnt even staying at his flat that often so I now have no way to get my car back. This was all sending my anxiety through the roof, especially as she had also stirred trouble with some of the neighbours telling them a whole load of lies and turning them against me, I had already had problems with them in the past because of her lies and mouthy talk to them but it had died down quite a bit, and now its worse than ever. I was asked by my solicitor if I was going to put myself forward for carer of my grandson and at first I went ahead with starting the procedure, but then after seeing how vicious and nasily determined my daughter could be towards me, I realised if I were to go ahead and be successful that I would never be able to have any real contact with my daughter again for fear of putting my grandson in the middle of it all, plus I would have to move almost immediately so she couldnt come around and cause more trouble, so I had to do the hardest thing Ive done in a long time and give up my chance of custody , so I didnt get to see him from the age of 6 days old onwards. I also had stress and problems with results from the breast cancer appointment, and with and elderly relative in london who is showing signs of dementia and I dont know who to turn to as he is the only person in my family I see, my mother refuses to have anything to do with me and moved to cornwall somewhere, she wont even let my half brother have any contact with me and has told him if he has any contact with me she will stop talking to him. Then in August this year I finally thought something in my life was going right when I started dating a friend I had known for about 2 years, things were going great and it made things feel easier,I'll call him "C" he told me he loved me and wanted to stay together, then I discovered that his sister who I had thought was a friend for the past two years actually doesn't like me?, he has 2 grown up daughters who each have a boy and at first everything was great with them as they said it was the first time they had seen thier dad so happy and "loved up" as they called it, but then when C started spending more and more time at my house and they missed out on the resident babysitter etc one of them got quite nasty, this didnt seem to deter him as he said that they would have to accept that he was entitled to a life too, then he lost his job and his bike broke down which made him quite depressed as he hates being out of work and without transport, I tried to help support him as best I could, we had a few minor probs as I discovered that due to him having a violent marriage from his ex. that he had no intention of marrying again ever, nor living with anyone or having any further children, I tried asking if this might change in the future and he said absolutely never. Then on friday last week after barely seeing C all week due to him being at his babysitting and sorting out housing ben. forms etc, we were due to go out but when his friend turned up to collect and announced over the phone that he didnt have room for me to come, I admit that I did shout and say about being left behind when C said he was still going with him, I then sent a text saying it was because I felt left out and stranded as my foot is in plaster and I cant get about much on my own, he didnt reply, nor to the 2 sent after that, C didnt come back here after the night out nor did he call or text the next day. I thought something might be wrong so I tried to call but his mobile was turned off, I text C's friend to ask if he could let me know if C was ok and I got a text back saying no,he couldnt tell me and that he didnt want to be involved??!!. I have tried a couple of times since to call C's phone but its always turned off, other than one time when I sent a text asking if he was ok and got the delivery reprt that it was delivered so I waited to see if he replied but he didnt so after waiting about an hour I tried calling and it was turned off again?, he has left quite a bit of his stuff here including some new clothes bought by his daughters for his birthday?? I really need him right now and cant understand why he has just shut me off like this, its not like him to behave like this?? My stress and anxiety levels are rocketing I have migraine type headaches virtually constant, as well as panic feelings, fluttery heartbeats, feeling sick wanting and doing self harm, feeling sick and wanting to give up on everything. please can anyone here help me?? again Im sorry for such a long post but I needed to show whats caused all this. Can anyone help me with advice on any of this as at the moment I feel like giving up on my life as it never seems to stop with all the constant heartache, misery and let downs.
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reader, rcn  +, writes (27 November 2007):
 when I spoke about being positive, I'm talking about how we view things that happen to us. I am a very positive person, I've had obsticals to overcome, and some have been very difficult, but I tend to look past the obstical its self, set up a plan and tackle it. You can't cause anyone else to change, but you can change yourself. An old business partner of mine said "the strongest quality we share, other than the power of prayer, is the power to choose, but we must choose to pray."
Holding in anger and resentments too is a choice. Sometimes life gets hard, but it gets much harder when we resent someone, or something that has happened.
Realize too, some people just arent good with children. There's not much we can do about that, but help where we can. Take into account, not to help if it's out of reach to keep yourself in healthy standing too. Myself, I have a meeting with a boy in a couple of days. He's 16, his mom went to jail, they received an eviction notice to move, and the man who was living there took off. He's now at home, alone with no supervision. We're going to sit down together and develop a plan to complete his education, process a court order to make him an adult early. That's what I have the capabilities of doing. I can't have him physically live with me, or I'd be looking at that route. I have 2 children in home how, with a 3rd moving in and may be taking guardianship of another teen for a year on top of all that. If I hadn't made the commitment to the other one, I'd have room, since I don't I still help with what I am able to do.
In your case, don't stress about what others are doing, until you've sorted yourself out first. If you're mental health needs improving, how can you expect yourself to help someone else. I try to keep myself in shape, because I know the healthier I am, mentally and physically, the better I can take care of my children and lend a hand to some others in need as well.
Here, if I had a grandchild and had custody, if the parent was not in a good condition and kept bothering us, I'd seek a restraining order. Adults make decisions, they have to live by the decisions they make. Your daughters choices are her own and she needs to take responsibility for her own choices. Don't hold yourself accountable for choices she makes. I know it hurts to have a child you love take a wrong direction but sometimes you have to give them space to find their way back. You can't force it. You may worry, but realize she has to be accountable now for her own actions. Holding her accountable doesn't mean you don't love her, It's an act of love to step back and if she falls, hope she picks herself back up.
This is a true story, one I absolutely love. I recently met my biological family. I was adopted. It's nice having two families. One mom for fine dining, and one that I can head to a rodeo with that doesn't look at me funny if I order a beer. Anyway, on that side I have a half brother. He's a chiristian pastor at a ranch called "Set Free" It's a rehab. Free of charge for those who reside there, but they have to work with the animals. They're free to go at anytime, but most don't try too, it's 70 miles to the nearest city across desert land.
He wasn't always a pastor. He was a drug addict. His son was young and because of drugs he abandoned his son on the streets of New York City. Of course his son got heavy into drugs too. After becoming a pastor he visited New York, ran into this young adult who was strung out, and took him back the ranch with him, the young adult escaped. A couple of years went by and he went to New York again and ran into this same person, and took him back to the ranch. Turns out this young adult was his son, which he had abandoned years before, and now his son is a pastor at the ranch helping others.
The moral of the story is not the story itsself, I just love the story, but it's the motto of the Set Free Ranch, it says "Sometimes you have to be hard core, to be set free." That mean tough love. If she's over at your home causing trouble and you know she's on drugs, call the police and have her picked up for it. Sounds tough, but it's time to put the foot down and stop accepting this bad behavior. I told someone not long ago to turn in their loved one because they were really leading a distructive lifestyle. People don't usually do so because they don't want someone to be mad at them. The way I view that is "I'd rather have someone I love who doesn't like me and never talks to me again, alive for me making my choice, than to have them end up dead for not making it."
She is leading a destructive lifestyle, why? Because she gets away with it. You may have heard of the gentleman in your country who was up for Prime Minister, and spent time in jail for purjury? Our pastor in the U.S. is native to Great Britten, and spoke of his this past weekend. This gentleman called in on a christian radio show in G.B. our pastor was hosting. He asked him, "Why did you do it", the (previously) well rescpected man said "Because I thought I could get away with it." Just because we can get away with something, doesn't mean it's right to do so.
I want to apologize upfront about how long this turned out. It's time for me to get up to attend school. I haven't been to bed yet, and when I'm tired I can rattle on. I have at least one day a week where I experience insomnia. This time, instead of laying in bed, staring at the clock until it's time to get up, I decided to write to you. I hope you got some good information here and it wasn't too boring for you. Take care.
A
female
reader, fubar +, writes (23 November 2007):
fubar is verified as being by the original poster of the questionsorry for gap in update but I have been trying unsuccessfully to try and reolve the mentioned problems.
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (9 November 2007):
I know you must be saying, easier said than done. I would too if I was just reading some weird guy saying be positive take action. That's what I tole myself 7 years ago, when I had a suicide level depression and I was drinking a bottle or rum every two days. I was like that too, until I learned how to take action and realized (which I couldn't believe at the time) I own my own emotions. If I'm upset, depressed its because I choose to remain in that state. Between that happening and other issues from before I have studied different behaviors, changing behaviors now for going on 15 years. The hardest thing I ever did was to evaluate myself. By the time I was done reviewing who I was, I really didn't like myself. I do now. My character is build strong, I live with integrity and am respected by many others for it. I've been single for over a year, and sex and date free. But came to an understanding I don't have to be with someone to be happy.
This weekend I will reply again and provide you with some information on how to take control of your life, your emotions, and start heading in a positive direction.
People use to tell me that too "just think more positive." What I found it it's much more beneficial to change behaviors and habits within myself that causes the negative sense of being in the first place.
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A
female
reader, fubar +, writes (9 November 2007):
fubar is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI tried doing the positive thing and thinking things could only get better and that I was determined that my life would improve , unfortunately "lady luck" or whoever wasnt listening and my life didnt improve and things did get worse. I just wish I knew what to do for the best mainly with the car and C problem???
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (8 November 2007):
You've had a difficult life. Now it's never time to give up on life. It's also never time to do self harm. Now, what we learn from our parents can determine our actions as an adult. When growing up like you had, now that you're an adult, it's up to you to change this damage and begin recreating your sense of self.
Many years ago. I was quite the drunk. Morning to night, I would drink. I'll tell ya, I went for quantity not quality. Then my son came along. I'll always remember the moment that changed my life. I looked at him and asked myself one question "When he gets older, how do I want to be viewed by him. That changed my life. It not only changed me, but during the period of that change, I got real intrigued by how behaviors work, so I've been studying on many different areas of change for the past 16 years.
What you need to do is go somewhere there is a mirror. Look at yourself deeply, and tell yourself "I am tired of living this way, with this pain, guilt, and regret. I want to start over and now I am really ready to do what it takes and change my life.
Generally when we are completely tired of things going a certain way, then it's much easier to make the change. In order to do this it will take dedication. No matter what it takes, don't loose sight of the end result. If you start to just remember what your life is like now, and ask yourself if it's worth it to default back into this stage.
I'm not able to put everything on here, since it's just a post, but to get you started take two pieces of paper, On one, "what I like about myself (include personality, abilities etc), on the other one "what I don't like about myself (this includes personality, behaviors etc.), This is going to give you a road map to begin. You can't produce change, unless you know where the change is needed.
I hope this helps you get started.
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