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*opeless
writes: I have been married for two years but with my husband for seven. I gave up my friends because he didn't like them and I gave up going out because I have kids. I felt it was time to devote myself to my kids and my relationship with my husband. The only thing that makes me mad is he likes to run. He will find any way to get out of the house. Am I being controlling if I ask him to stay home and help me with the four kids? He ran the whole time I was pregnant with my last kid, even the weekend she came home. I don't know what to do any more. I feel all my work at trying to make him happy was a lost cause. Reply to this Question
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reader, NordicBeauty +, writes (6 July 2005):
I'm going to be really upfront about this issue, sweetie.First...it's time to make yourself NUMBER one now !You have been burning gas OVERTIME trying to make this guy happy...who makes the mother of his children happy?When your batteries are drained, who recharges them?You have just as much of a right to be fulfilled as your husband does.If you are constantly giving & he is constantly taking, your relationship becomes unbalanced & he becomes selfish !A partnership means just that...A PARTNERSHIP !Partners need & MUST give to each other on a daily basis.You are giving 100 percent & he's gobbling it all up.Then when he's faced with the challenge of responsibility & helping out around the house...he runs away & escapes !Sounds to me like he's another kid that demands a mother.It's time for him to GROW UP & make some sacrifices like you have (give up friends, & give up going out for awhile)I would suggest leaving him ALONE with the children for an evening. Plan your getaway ahead of time...be prepared.When he is in the bathroom, leave a note where you know he will find it (write the note ahead of time) "I need a break...the kids are your responsibility tonight"Meet some friends for dinner & drinks, go to a movie, take a long walk in the moonlight, & buy yourself a red rose !Your husband needs to learn to appreciate all you have given and sacrificed for him and his children !Do NOT call the house...enjoy your freedom for one precious glorious evening !When you get home...I'm sure you can anticipate his response. Just smile sweetly & tell him you're having a hot bubblebath...make sure you arrive home when you know the children will be in bed & asleep.Light some candles, turn on soft tunes & soak in the tub.When he sees the red rose & demands to know who it's from,sigh dreamily & reply, "ahhh, its from a secret admirer"When his eyes grow big & curious ...then giggle & say, "The secret admirer is ME...I admire who I am & how hard I've worked to take care of our family & I deserve to be pampered once in a while honey, just like you do."If he has a BRAIN in his head, he might think before answering...if he blurts out something stupid, ignore it.Over the next few days, communicate to him that it's IMPERATIVE for you to enjoy life too...and notify him that you WILL BE TAKING one night off a week to enjoy yourself, with or without him !If he wants to join you, hire a babysitter for the evening and paint the town RED together !If a relationship has no passion or playtime...it will die !If this man TRULY loves you, then he needs a wake up call.If he can rise to the challenge & step up to the plate, you might even benefit from some much needed romance.(let him cook dinner , pour you a glass of wine, massage your tired aching body & supply some necessary orgasms!)If he still remains an insensitive selfish Jerk...dump him!He's never around anyway, so being a single mom WITHOUT one more child like him to take care of...will be easier!Be strong dear, set some boundaries..take care of you too!
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reader, becky05 +, writes (3 July 2005):
tell him how you feel, you sound like a very selfless woman and he is a very selfish man. Tell him he will have to cut down on his running as you need more help in the house. Suggest he even just goes out running every 2nd night at first, if he refuses to co-operate you have to give him an ultimatum
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female
reader, Helen05 +, writes (3 July 2005):
Any man who asks you to give up your friends is trying to control you. So what if he dosen't like them, he doesn't have to spend time with them, you do!Does your husband ever take care of the kids? There are two of you and parental responsibility should be shared. Everyone needs time for themselves and it sounds like you get none. You need to talk to him about this. Tell him you want to get some exercise and go down to your local gym. He dosent need to know its for a jacuzzi and a smoothie!Have you considered your husband's obsession with exercise is unhealthy? It could be a symptom of Obsessive compulsive disorder or even a form of bulimia.You need friends, time alone and a husband that respects you enough to spend time with you. If he refuses to give you this it becomes an abusive relationship. Are you allowed to see your family? you don't mention them in your letter. I think you need to have a good long look at your priorities, because it seems that you may as well be bringing the kids up alone! Is there anything worth saving? If there is, work on it together. If he wont work with you, are you prepared to devote your whole existence into making this selfish man happy?
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reader, genuine +, writes (3 July 2005):
I am sorry to hear your troubles. I am not married, but I have been in a similar situation as far as giving up your friends and giving up going out to make someone happy while they go and do as they please. After five years I blew up broke it off, and let me just say that it was the best thing I ever did. Your situation involves kids so of course I am not suggesting you do the same. It's funny you ask if you are being controlling if you ask him to stay home because actually he is the controlling one. You had to give up your friends because he didn't like them. What guy ever likes his woman's friends? What did he give up for you that you didn't like? I don't know any specifics as to how that came about, but it sounds like maybe that isn't the only thing he made you change. Not going out anymore probably had to do with the kids and probably had to do with you not having any friends to go out with anymore also. You should only do things that make you happy, and things that you want to do for others, as long as they are right and no one is being cheated out of anything. His running all the time and expecting you to do everything has got to stop. Having a family is a mom and dad deal. He needs to step up and do his share. If he works and you stay home, then his share is decreased, but he still has a duty to you and the kids that must be fulfilled. Being able to run is a privelage, not a must. You need to start doing for yourself before you lose your marbles. I saw my mom do exactly what you are doing for 35 years with 3 kids. She is 65 and still miserable because she never had her own life, and now can't because she is old. Relationships are 50/50. Find a hobby, meet some new freinds, or maybe start running with your husband. Surprise him with a babysitter one night, and tell him to wait because you are going too. Do something for yourself even if it's going to the grocery store alone while he watches the kids. You need a break and he needs to see that you are a person with needs and not just his laundry doer and cook. He isn't going to like the idea, but he will learn to deal over time. It sounds like he has you at home with no contact to the outside so he can do whatever he wants and you will never be the wiser. Watch out for the low blows because he will throw everything in your face he has done for you like providing a roof, food, and of course it all takes money. So what? He isn't treating you with the love and respect you deserve by running all the time and avoiding his responsibilities at home. If this is what makes him happy, why isn't he at home with you or just with you any chance he can be? What is making him happy is the fact he doesn't have to worry about where you are or what you are doing. You can't live your life to make him happy. You have to live your life to make you happy. By doing so, you will be able to make his life happy as well as the kids lives. When mom isn't happy, everyone suffers in some way. If this doesn't help or give you hope, Dr. Phil is another good place to seek advice.
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