A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have known my boyfriend nearly 2 years now and 2 months ago he asked me (and my dog) to move in with him. He has not lived with a woman before - he is 38 years old. I agreed and re-located, giving up my job as the commute would no longer be viable - and have put some of my stuff into storage as there is not enough room at his place. It took a lot for me to do this because I have previously been in an abusive marriage and felt trapped financially into staying but this man is very different and kind. However, I noticed a change in him about 3 weeks ago - he seemed more distant and has not told me he loved me almost since I move in. I have said it to him and got no response which hurt me. I raised the issue that things seemed strained and he burst into tears saying he didn't feel the same way any more and wasn't sure he did love me. I asked how long he had felt like this and he said a couple of days but I feel sure now it has been longer. I went from bewildered and hurt to very angry at being in yet another vulnerable situation. I trusted his feelings and intentions and yet they have changed instantly. He says he is not sure we are ready to live together. I have struggled to keep it together since and just don't know what to do. I asked him why he wanted me to move in so much and then could change his mind so quickly. I have kept the place tidy, cooked meals and pay my share from savings despite not finding work yet. I make an effort to look good. I honestly feel like not trusting a man again which is so sad - but worse still I don't trust my judgement. What should I do now? The house I left has been rented out and my job was filled almost immediately. I am back to square one.
View related questions:
trapped Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, straight to the truth +, writes (9 July 2014):
Did you rush into this? How long had you known him for before agreeing to live with him? I personally think people shouldn'nt move in together before 18 months because you dont really know them properly and you dont truly know how you feel. If you didn't rush this and did pressure him into it then unfortunately this is just what happens sometimes, do you have a friend you can stay with for a couple of days? a bit of space might help?? In a worse case scenario you'll be moving back out and getting your own place again and your already looking for another job so that situation hasn't changed. Only suggestion for next time would be to wait till you really know them if your still together after 18 months then discuss moving but dont quit a job and move without first getting a new job so that you know you are financially sound. For now sit down and talk, go out on dates together, dont smother or mother him and maybe go out on your own a few nights so that he doesn't feel like your always there. Men like there space.
A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (9 July 2014):
 OP what happened with you was undoubtedly terrible and I cannot even imagine what you would be going through right now. But love is a tricky thing. There are times when you dont know what you want till you ARE in that situation. I think in your boyfriend's case that's exactly what happened. Once you moved in with him, he realized that he didnt feel the same way about you that he thought he did. I know this is awful and he should have just said all this before you moved in but you know what, better late than never.
There was never going to be a good time to say this. Maybe he couldn't get himself to say this while you were in the process of moving in. I'm NOT supporting him in any way, I'm just saying that sometimes people change their minds and sadly, that's how life is. At least he hasn't cheated on you or given you false assurances, he's just been honest with you. Not that those are the only options that you have but lets just try to make the best of this situation.
I know you have had a terrible life and this is probably the last straw but please do not give up hope and in future, be ABSOLUTELY sure about the guy and his intentions before you commit. I'm sure you realized that something was off about him....I find it very hard to believe that you didn't sense anything before he actually told you the truth. There must have been red signs that you chose to ignore for the sake of love.
Do you have any family who you can go to? Your parents? Siblings? Maybe they can help you for a while till you get back on your feet.
How were you planning to support yourself financially while with your B/f? You must have had some back-up plan, you couldn't have just given everything up to move in with him. Maybe you can get a place close to where you are right now and look for a job. Ask him for your share of the money back and use that money to start up again.
...............................
|
