A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I’ve written about this boy before. We dated long distance for 2 years and 7 months, seeing each other tons. I was his first everything – at least everything we allowed ourselves to do. First kiss, first hand hold, first person he said “I love you” to, first person he introduced his friends and family too as a girlfriend. We had religious differences, both from different ones. The both of us had similar personalities, similar values, similar goals in life. On Monday, he told me he wasn’t in love with me anymore, he didn’t love me as a girlfriend anymore. It felt like a wrecking ball to my chest. I could tell he was hurt by telling me that, he doesn’t enjoy making me upset. He’s not heartless or anything. We went through a lot together, our trips together… they were so special. Even something as silly as walking the dog was just so fun with him. There were tons of laughs and special moments. He’s emotionally challenged – but I recall one specific time when we were at Cumberland Falls, overlooking the forest from the balcony of the resort, and he opened up to me about a lot, he even started crying at some of the hardest things in his life. He gave me a big kiss then, told me I was the only girl for him. He promised me we would be together forever… we made plans for a future together.We had a lot of religion based conversations – trying to find middle ground and compromise on some tough stuff. We had more super serious arguments than he ever wanted. Especially within the last few months… they just got out of hand. I planned a trip to go see him in December, to work our issues out in person. We got past every religious argument and made decisions and plans… all of the previous arguments were finally settled and I felt so good and confident. He even introduced me to his parents! And his friends! He held my hand, hugged me, kissed me… we did get into one little argument in person. He’s not good with affection – I mean he’s got a whole lot going on in his life sometimes, and sometimes he tenses up and doesn’t go for it, and I got upset with him because I stood at the door waiting for a goodnight kiss and he just left. I don’t like asking for kisses, and I argued with him about why he has such trouble opening up and acting like I’m his girl. Sometimes it didn’t feel like he considered me as such. Even then – we got over it. He told me he would work on it and he wanted to, that he wanted to be a “good boyfriend.” I’ve always praised him for his efforts, and I’ve always appreciated him.When I got back home from that trip, things seemed off. We had almost a perfect month with no arguing, then it just went bad. He lied to me about emailing a girl, a girl I had no problem with. I know for a fact he doesn’t like her romantically, I know for a fact I had nothing to worry about it, but he lied about it to “keep the peace” so to speak. So I called him out on it – we went 5 days without talking. Then on Monday he calls and tells me all of this. That he wasn’t in love with me before… didn’t love me as a girlfriend… he didn’t think we were meant to be…. He didn’t think our personalities meshed well… he just “doesn’t feel that way” for me anymore… and he’s felt that way since BEFORE THANKSGIVING! He let me come up there to see him and meet his PARENTS and friends under false pretenses and he didn’t even feel that way about me! He kept holding my hand… the kissing… the “I love you’s” and plans… when I got back I told him I wanted to move there to be closer to him! How could he drop that bomb on me after all of that? He had plenty of time before hand to tell me. He just kept saying “I’m sorry, please can we still be friends? If we can make it work later on – then great, I don’t want you out of my life completely. I’m offering my friendship, I want to be there for you to help you and you can still move out here and do all the things you talked about and we can be close friends.” He kept telling me he cares about me… and he DOES love me, but not like a girlfriend. How else would he love me? I felt so angry. I finally got him to admit to that lie, and I poured my heart out to him, and he did that. He said the arguments were just too much for him and he didn’t have any faith in the relationship to believe that we wouldn’t have those arguments again. He felt completely unattached from me. It felt like he had no faith in ME to believe that I was past those petty arguments… and I was past them. I was 100% happy and content when I got back home. I didn’t feel like anything was wrong at all…He told me he was still attracted to me… so it wasn’t that. He told me he still thinks about me everyday… so it wasn’t that. Could arguments really be the only reason to cause a person to feel that way? How could he just fall out of love with me? Is him wanting to be friends just a way to let me down easy? After everything we went through together, after all those POSITIVE memories? I honestly believe he’s just focusing on the negatives. I was crying my eyes out, he cried a little too, I know he hates hurting me. He told me that it would be better if we both moved on – that it wasn’t working. He said he wasn’t good for me… but he was. He was emotionally challenged yes, but I loved him dearly and didn’t expect the world or anything. I kept reassuring him that he WAS good for me, and arguments were just a phase that we were getting past – that we GOT past. He said that there’s no one else in his life, and he wasn’t doing it just to date someone else. Then why push me to move on? Why tell me “maybe you’ll move on and be happy with someone else!” I don’t understand if his motive to be friends is just a way to try and get back to where we were… or to let me down easier…?He told me he would text me Monday night, but I think I sent him the wrong message. We were talking for 5 hours on the phone and my battery was dying, and I was severely crying and barely able to breath really. Battery kept giving me the “plug in now dumbass” message and there was nothing left to say so I just said bye and hung up. I don’t know if I CAN be his friend. He didn’t text me so now I believe he thinks I don’t want his friendship at all… I just don’t know if I can. I love him so much and this is tearing me apart. I’m so numb and heartbroken. I gave everything I had for that relationship, and I thought he was happy. I was happy. He makes me incredibly happy…I don’t want him to go. I love him so much and he is such an important person in my life. I would take him back in a heartbeat. But if he doesn’t feel that way for me… I know I have to let go. I just can’t figure out if he feels NOTHING for me and he’s just saying that so I’ll be okay, or if he really wants no relationship with me. Not talking to him is breaking my heart all over again. I had plans to move there in March, and now that just feels ruined. He was my future in a lot of ways. My entire family loved him. Even though he wasn’t emotional sometimes and kinda aloof at times and not as affectionate as I would have preferred, I was completely happy with him. I don’t know what to do with myself. Please help. I need some words of wisdom and anything to just let me know what the right thing to do is. I’ve had breakups before, but this is turning my world upside down. It feels like even putting everything I had in to someone and finding out that it still couldn’t work… why would anything ever work? It feels like my all isn’t good enough and I feel so broken and lost. I wish my mom was still alive. This is one of those times that I need someone to give me a hug and tell me everything is going to be fine – that life goes on. This is the only time in my life that I’ve ever fallen apart like this. I miss him.
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heartbroken, kissing, long distance, move on, text Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much, all of you, but especially you Cerberus. Your advice is awesome, and you're helping me out more than you know. I appreciate all of your words. I think I'll wait a few days before I contact him, and I'll proceed with caution. I don't want to hurt anymore, but I don't want things to be over.Again, thank you so much.
A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (6 January 2011):
 You are unsure and this is why interaction is risky. It is far too easy to be pulled into a damnably beautiful delusion of hope which is why I urge you to proceed with caution.
That being said, I do not know what I would do. If I were him, as a man I would not want for there to be silence because this is just not how things should end, someone has to get closure and it does not seem as though either of you have found it. I would want for all to be alright between us. "Hi" is always a good place to start, followed by an inquiry as to how he is or how he has been after all of this. There is really no point in hiding how you feel about him, but you should not enforce that either, if he asks, be honest but do not actively show him until things have been sorted out. Try and pursue a friendship instead, something to build on after all this emotional destruction.
I hope that helps.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThat's a very good question. I don't know how I would feel. I don't know what would change or if it would even be worth it, but I feel like I do love and I believe he loves me despite what he said... if I didn't try I would be throwing something good away on my end.
From a male perspective, if you were on the opposite end of this, how would you feel if you received a text from someone that you just ended things with? I'm trying so hard to put myself in his shoes to get a clearer view on what I should do, but I'm too hurt to succeed with that.
What would I even say? "Hi."? What in the world do you say after all of that to someone that you still have deep feelings for?
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A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael +, writes (6 January 2011):
You can decide, from what everyone has written, should you text him or should you ignore him for now? Consider the effects of interacting with him again. You know yourself better than anyone so what do you predict would happen in terms of emotion. Would everything really start getting better for you or would you just end up with more heartache?
Who knows though? I suppose you could text him, just be cautious so you do not have to suffer through more pain. Good luck.
I hope that helps.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDo you think I should text him... or something? anything? It's only been 3 days, but I love him so much. I don't know what proper etiquette is when going through a breakup.
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A
male
reader, als77  +, writes (5 January 2011):
I guess the worst thing about breaking-up is when you don't know why it happend and, even worse, if it is final...
My ex were also emotionally challenged, and when she broke up with me she said that she had never been in love with me. I find it hard to believe, from what you write, that your ex-BF never have had any such emotions for you. Maybe (like I expect is the case for my ex) he has come to the conclusion that his feelings for you are different from what he excepted (that is: "Love should feel different than this. Love should not be a battle". At least the latter is wrong).
I have also heard that it is more or less common for people that are (heavily) emotional challenged/wounded to turn their back to the first person they open up to. However, this seems not to be the reason since he says he wants to be friends.
Although the "I am not good (enought) for you" might seem stupid or as a bad excuse, it may be a "valid" argument for him. My (challenged) ex found it very hard to love people because she felt that noone should love her (which in my and all our friends eyes were complete nonsence!). Actually, she only recently admitted to herself that people may give her a hug without feeling the urge to vomit because of it...
Another emotinally challenged friend of mine had a good male friend at school, but suddenly she cut him off. A few years later she realised it was because she had grown to fond of him and was afraid that she would loose him...
Love is a difficult thing, and it is even more difficult with emotionally challenged people. Your ex MAY be fooling himself believing that he has other feelings for you than he really has. He may also be giving up because it hurts to much to have someone loving him (and because he "knows" that he is not good enough for you). However it may also be that he has fallen out of love with you and is not willing to fight for your relationship (a bad translation of a norwegian saying: "you don't know if you really love someone before you fall out of love with someone". Falling in love, and loving, is not the same, although Hollywood wants us to believe so).
Considering that he is emotionally challenged I would advice you to continue to be open and honest with him and (if you are able...) give him some time to think things through, being his friend and allowing him to be your support (making you two equals). However, if you do so you will not be able to move on as quick as you can and the process of moving on (if it turns out that there is no future for you two) will probably be more painfull.
From what you are writing I guess you think he is worth it, but only you know your limit and how much you are willing to suffer, so it is up to you to decide.
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A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael +, writes (5 January 2011):
You gave it your all and even though it may not feel like it, it was good enough, it was more than good enough but it takes two to support a relationship and no matter how much anyone gave to that relationship, without his effort it would have died anyway just like it has done, but it is not because you were not good enough.
You need to move on from him, in my opinion he sounds rather confused and unsure of what he is feeling right now. Whatever happened, I think a part of it was genuine, despite what he has said. You do not introduce someone to your family as your girlfriend unless you actually feel something, otherwise, why bother?
You are heartbroken and I imagine you feel as though your very soul it brittle right now but you have to hold yourself together and try to see things from another perspective. He let you go because he knew he was not good enough, no matter what you felt, no matter how many times you assured him that he was good enough, he would have hurt you anyway, he knew that, he knew that he had some thinking to do and he could not do it if he was still with you. Just move on and try to maintain a good friendship with him. I will not lie and give you false hope but you can always be aware of the possibilities, he may never feel that way about you again but then, he may never have stopped loving you anyway. I sense it is something deeply personal and he needs time to sort things out. In the meantime, move on.
I hope that helps.
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A
female
reader, d gr8 frnd..  +, writes (5 January 2011):
m 2oo small as compared 2 u...bt i wld wana giv u d hug... n say everything's goin 2 be fine sweetheart.. this is just d part n parcel of life...i sincerely feel don try bein his friend coz if destiny wants u 2 be together it will happen without any efforts..don cry..dat guy isnt worth those precious tears...i'l pray for you things will be alright soon...love ya... n heres another tight hug for you.. enough of cryin sweetie....
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