A
male
age
41-50,
*obbsey76
writes:I revently lost my partner who after 5 years went on a trip to Europe and broke up with me by email 2 days before she got back. She'd just turned 25, and I just turned 34.For the last few years I had been a pretty crap boyfriend. I was angry, I was insecure, I couldn't hold down a job after some serious workplace abuse. I spent $15000 of her own money and hadn't paid her back. What i don't get is, why did I do all that when I loved her so dearly?The thing was, unlike some others, I did seek help. I went to therapy for the last 3 years and got put on anti-depressants (which actually made me worse through mood swings and mania). The improvements were huge overall, but I guess in the end they weren't enough and I lost her.There seems to be a lot of depression and anxiety in men in our modern age, a lot of women leaving men and men being just general arses. I wonder what's going on, and what happened to us?
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broke up, insecure, money, workplace Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Abella  +, writes (6 January 2011):
 well done, if you are turning your life around then all applause to you for having the courage to move forward like this. Hope 2011 is much better for you
A
male
reader, hobbsey76 +, writes (5 January 2011):
hobbsey76 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYeah, I know. I am paying her back significantly ($2500 in last 2 months), because the thing is, I don't usually take money from people. It's like I was so frightened of going outside or doing anything, that I just needed some form of outlet, and borrowing money became like a drug because it meant I could buy things that allowed me to stay indoors and forget about everything else.
Look, I don't blame her for leaving, that's not the point. It just really bites being dumped by email, and how i felt about her on the indside just didn't match how I was behaving on the outside.
But guess what? Since I have stopped taking the medication I am almost totally normal. No mood swings, no fear of the outdoors, good career again. I don't think I have much interest in getting back with her, but I have stuck to my promise and I am paying her back week by week.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2011): QUOTE: "There seems to be a lot of depression and anxiety in men in our modern age, a lot of women leaving men and men being just general arses. I wonder what's going on, and what happened to us?"
That's a very interesting point, and I know what you mean.
One of the problems we face (in the 'Western world', at least) is that we are constantly bomabarded with the notion that we should expect nothing less than perfection. The notion of true compromise has given way to utter self-fulfilment, and relationships have become just another aspect of consumerism.
'Did your partner do/say something you didn't like? Are you feeling a bit bored in your relationship? Just dump them and move on.' It's like upgrading your mobile phone...
Look at the qualities that men and women look for in each other. The list keeps growing. Ever tried online dating? It's like 'Deal or no deal', with everyone greedily trying to hold out for the better prize ... and then ending up with 50 pence.
And these ridiculously high expectations create resentment, which can lead to 'arsey' behaviour.
END OF RANT ;-)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2011): I saw your previous post about this girl and at first it seemed like it was just depression and I felt for you, but yeah, you did treat her pretty badly. While it's good to know your getting therapy and trying-
$15000 is a lot of money! Especially at her age. She probably stayed with you so long because she really hoped you would eventually pay her back. (I have seen people stay years together unhappily over owed money) Breaking up w/ you via email over vacation was probably her way of cutting her losses and moving on. And with a fuller picture, I can see exactly shy she did it.
You say you "hadn't" paid her back. But in my opinion you still "haven't" paid her back. If you want her to give you the time of day and want any sort of closure, then you should start paying her back.
Why did you treat her like crap? Only you can really answer that. I wouldn't generalize about so many modern men being dumped and being arses. I think that's bit lazy. I wouldn't generalize about your depression being the general reason for your mistakes either.
You made some pretty specific and concrete mistakes to have burned through $15000 and obviously she felt you abused her trust and respect.
If you want it back, you will have to make amends. Starting to pay her back is the only way. Don't contact to promise her that you will pay her back, contact her to ask her where to deposit the money.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (5 January 2011):
I am very sorry you were subjected to serious workplace abuse. And I do accept that such abuse can have a serious detrimental affect on your self esteem. And it is utterly disgusting that such hurt occurs. It can take a long time to get over it, because of the powerless feeling that can follow the abuse. Where Managers and others see the abuse, but deny it happened. Or dare to verify the abused person. If you feel abused people can never rise above the abuse, and reinvent themselves, then you are wrong.And being abused does not then give you permission to take money from your partner. I realise that serious pressure made you do it. But you can see it destroyed trust between you and your partner. RESPECT for your partner can occur whether you are rich or poor. And your partner possibly grew weary giving you so much support, and being repaid by your decision to not repay the money you took.You could write her a letter of apology,and start an automatic debit every fortnight to attempt to start repaying her. But she may never be able to trust you again. You can go forth. Even though you will continue for some time to go over and average what you could have done differently. But in the end you must repair your aching heart. Build your self esteem. And start rebuilding your life. And eventually love will be drawn to you once you have started feeling better about you.Don't ever give the bully permission to ruin every day from now on. It does not have to be like that. Yes you messed up. But you have a whole lot more within you. Far more capability to succeed in various ways. Start looking forward more and back less. And make plans for the future, little steps can take you further.I wish you well.
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