A
female
age
30-35,
*b5686
writes:Yesterday I was on my boyfriend's computer, and clicked on the html drag history box to find the google link, and I saw all these porn links. I do not in any way tolerate porn. I understand that to guys, it's socially acceptable, but I'm not okay with it. I've been very clear with my boyfriend that I'd never tolerate it, and now I find it on his comp. I love him but I'm so hurt at the fact that he feels he needs to even do something that he knows disgusts me so much. It would probably be somewhat easier to forgive him if we weren't sleeping together, but now i don't want to have sex with him anymore because I feel so sickened by it. I broke up with him that second because I was so furious but later that night we got back together. It hurts so much, but I still love him and I'm not sure if I should end the relationship or not because I feel so betrayed. He told me that if he knew I had such an issue, he never would have done it and promises that he'll stop. But i've told him I don't tolerate it so it's like he's lying because he did know! He promised to stop but I'll always wonder now. I would never check his computer purposefully for porn but I feel like I can't trust him anymore. What do I do? I keep trying to explain that it hurts me and I see it as cheating but he keeps telling he'll stop but he doesn't understand why I feel the way I do, and i want him to get it. Help, I need advice!
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male
reader, alphadominance +, writes (1 January 2009):
As stated by another reader, the primary issue here is your reaction to this issue. This is an extraordinarily common misunderstanding between the sexes, but most modern western men view porn at times, or often frequently. Short of faith based restrictions, which most Americans don't honor anyway, there is nothing wrong with this provided it doesn't interfere with daily life. Viewing this as cheating is no more valid than viewing women's enjoyment of romantic comedies or romance novels, or dressing flirtatiously and going out with the girls. The genders operate differently sexually, and acceptance and understanding of one another's viewpoints is critical to a successful relationship. For men, sexual release is at times merely a function to be fulfilled, similar to using the restroom. There are biological reasons for this. http://alphadominance.com/?p=476 If he is using porn as an aid in this or viewing it privately for whatever reason you should not be threatened by this. He's engaging in fantasies that will never be fulfilled, just, I might add, as most women do, often while in the act with their man. Its just that women base their fantasies more on the esoteric and men strictly on the physical. It's better that you don't drive him underground and force him to "lie" to you by refusing to accept this. It doesn't hurt anyone, and as much as everyone wants to feel like they are the only one who their partner could ever desire we know most people engage in fantasies about others at times. You can't regulate thoughts, so as long as his actions honor your relationship, i.e. he's not cheating on you or sneaking around, he's being faithful. Heck, he'd love it if you found a video you could enjoy together. Porn is very much a couples thing as well. Who knows, you may both enjoy each other more and become more intimate if you can expand the horizons of your sexual relationship together.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2008): If you are so adamantly against porn, you'd better prepare yourself to never ever have a boyfriend again.
Think of it this way... how often are you asked to have sex per week? If the answer is zero times... your boyfriend is already cheating on you.
If he asks more than once a week, multiply that number by 1000, and that's how many times per week guys need to look at porn.
Ask anyone, it's a scientific fact.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2007): Ran across this page mainly because I was searching how most women feel on their husbands/boyfriends/fiances watching pornMy boyfriend and I have been together for over 2 years.. and i'm dating someone I thought I would never take a second glance at.. I was that girl in HS who partied,way too nice to everyone- never put anyone down-always compliments on 'how pretty I am' and how awesome and cool my personality was the girlie girl with the tom boy side.. had more guy friends than girls.. always called 'one of the guys' dated my best friend since birth for 3 years the high school hunky football player jock but surprisingly- wasn't an ass hole was the overly nice type blah blah blah. you get the drift?Now i'm in my 20's dating a guy I probably would have never given a chance but don't they say opposites attract? He's cute to most.. but in my eyes for some reason he's amazing.. he was the outcast- had some friends but was more into dirt bikes, his car.. those type of things- but anywaysI know he looks at porn infact when we first started dating i've never seen SO many porn sites on a computer! My first thought was 'are you f**king serious?' i'm a girl who doesn't dislike porn, has watched it plenty of times.. just it doesn't 'turn me on' like it would a guy, So I find it to be a waste. I've actually sat down and asked him before 'why do you watch it?' I never really understood why guys did.. ecspecially if they have a girlfriend or wife who can give them pleasure in person so why use your hand? He told me a few things 'it's a guy thing, girls can just use their imagination to get off, most guys like myself need images, movement- something' Lame answer I thought. but he then stated that he does get ideas from it and I know he enjoys looking at other women, but would never want to cheat on me or hurt me. - You know when your out in public if a guy sees a cute girl his head turns, its natural. It doesn't mean he doesn't love you. As females we tend to look at guys too. My boyfriend and I actually look at females together and yes even though I've had my fun drunken days in high school and 3-somes I wouldn't consider myself BI, just comfortable with my sexuality. If he sees a cute girl he always asks my opinion or i'll glance and be like oh she's really pretty and he will agree or disagree. Our tastes are WAAAY differant maybe being we're way differant.We have a really open relationship, laid back.. we talk about a lot and as much as it some-what irritated me for once that the guy I really do love looks at porn.. I realized and read up a lot that about 90 percent of guys do it. married or not.. I'm not the jealous type and I know he truely loves me and he's not going anywhere. why waste your time being jealous or mad? over porn or your guy even looking at another girl. As long as their breathing they probably are thinking with their penis.. but when it comes to you someone he loves. someone he has a very strong connection with.. it's his heart also. Porn does something for guys most women including myself will probably never completely understand..and he only has one site on his computer that he watches not 20 anymore so I guess i'm doing something for him ;) lol.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2007): Hi there i read your post and i must say it's very similary to problems i have been having in my relationship. my partner also knew that i disliked porn but i found he had been watching it on my computer and was extremely hurt. He also promised that he woundn't do it again. I now know that my partner lies quite blatently to my face he has done for 3 or 4 times at least and our relationship is not what it used to be. Now it's not so much the porn that is the problem i don't feel i can trust him, if he can lie about that, what else can he lie about. I hope for you that your partner will do as he says so that you can build up the trust you had with him again, it's not easy. good luck
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A
female
reader, jb5686 +, writes (24 June 2007):
jb5686 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks so much for all the advice, I really appreciate it. After deciding to stay with him, I gave myself another day to just let myself think about how I felt, and last night we talked again and are as understanding of each other on the subject as possible now.
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A
female
reader, burningbridges  +, writes (23 June 2007):
Both genders look at porn, and it doesn't mean they don't respect women (or men, also the subject of naked pictures). It says very little about the potential fidelity of the porn watcher, anymore then sex toys imply a girl would cheat.Like masturbation without visual stimulus, porn is a great tool for understanding your sexuality. Of course I don’t know how much you try to stop your boyfriends from doing that either, but looking at nude women pretending to orgasm over the internet is only a cause for concern if his browsing is flooding the computer with spyware.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2007): The issue here is that you are hurt by it. Any decent boyfriend or partner would not knowingly do something to hurt someone if they really loved and cared for their relationship. I would give him a chance to prove this fact - now he really gets it. I had similar issues with porn a few years back but now, having seen some of it for my own eyes, realise that it is such a false industry (you would rarely see someone having a real orgasm!!) that I pity many of the 'porn stars' and think that acting out sex and getting paid for it is so shallow and give me loving warm wonderful sex with a decent and trustworthy man any day of the week. I actually believe that both men and women can be turned on by watching porn and that it can stimulate desire - you just need to see it for what it is - total fantasy. I would urge you in the meantime (as I did) to consider how you feel about your own confidence and in feeling 'free' and gorgeous yourself. I pretended to be a PA and put on some beautiful lacy underwear and my boyfriend and I had amazing sex. I was not competing with porn stars - to share that with my boyfriend blew any pathetic porn acting out the window. I felt a million dollars because he made me feel a million dollars. Do not feel 'downed' by porn. It exists and it always will. Rise above it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2007): Listen the stupid comment below about woudnt you prefer he looks at posrn than 3d WOMEN IS CRAP...YOU DONT HAVE TO ACCET EITHER AD SHOULDNT BE TOLD TO..iT IS PERFECTLY REASNABLE FOR A WOMAN TO EXPECT A MAN TO not USE PORN AND TO BE FAITHFUL...its disrespectful and abusive it has een shown to reduce a mans attraction to his partner....
It might not mean he doesnt love you but it does mean he doesn respect you or any other woman on the face of the earth
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A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (23 June 2007):
 Give him a chance now. Having gotten into this situation I suspect he now really understands what this means to you. If he cares about you enough then he will not do it again.
Porn is a difficult subject. It has become incredibly ubiquitous and socially acceptable (I've seen kids-sized T-shirts with the words 'porn star' on), yet can cause real problems for people's sex lives if it gets out of control. The 'pornification' of popular culture, media and advertising is particularly sad, since it makes porn unavoidable.
It would no doubt be helpful for him to understand why you hate it as much as you do. Clearly you have a very strong reaction to it: try to find out why this is; why it upsets you as much as it does.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2007): Doesn't seem like a good reason why you should feel betrayed, if he watched these videos. They're not necessarily for excitement, some see them as a praise of phantasy and learn new techniques from them to condiment their own relationships, so in the end they think they're benefactory for their couple life. I don't think you should worry that much as long as he hasn't cheated on you and he's not precisely addicted to them. You probably wonder if he's looking for "variation" that you couldn't offer, but if there are no other signs to confirm this, why worry that much?
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A
female
reader, jackie69  +, writes (23 June 2007):
 Don't end it, work it through.Just think of it this way: If he needs to find some visual pleasure by looking at the female form isnt it better if it is 2D than 3D?You get my drift? He needs it just to make him feel that he can look, because every guy does whatever they say!It doesnt mean he doesnt love you!
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