A
male
age
26-29,
*oushite
writes:So me and my girlfriend been sexually active and I am actually below average size but my girlfriend says she is fine with it and that she is satisfied. Recently I checked her phone just to go on the internet and on her history it said "big black d*** inside asian girl". we are both asian but she never told me about watching porn. I mean I have always been very insecure about my size, but she always helped me feel better. When I found out what she was watching it hurt me a lot. Yea understand it is porn and that everyone watches it but the fact that she watched "big black d***" makes me insecure. I confronted her and eventually she told me she masturbated to it as well. I feel horrible but should I? Am I being too immature? Why did she hide it from me? Should I assume that she is looking for something bigger? Should I assume she is not satisfied with me
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male
reader, Toushite +, writes (24 May 2014):
Toushite is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHello everyone this is Toushite, and I would like to thank everyone for their feedback. After a night of thinking about it I just shrugged it off and it really did not bother me anymore. It was just the immaturity kicking in which just lets me know I have such a far way to go and so much to learn. I watch porn as well and have been open about it with my girlfriend and she does not make a big deal about it so why should I? In the end I apologized to her about causing a mess because of it and also invading her privacy. I am constantly trying to find ways to make up for what I did. Even after this whole situation happened her views of me have not wavered and she understands that it was an act of immaturity and has already forgiven me. With this being said I believe she is a keeper and again I want to thank everyone for their feedback and wish us luck for many years to come. Thank You - OP
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2014): People don't usually publicize or advertize their selection of porn. It's usually private.
Porn feeds the imagination and it is not grounded on reality. The actors are usually the kind of people you'll never meet, or have sex with in real-life. The appeal of porn, is the fact that it focuses on the sexual organs. The participants are actors, and seeing them in action stimulates the imagination. It's eye-candy.
Porn is fantasy. I wish everyone would keep it in that context.
Often we have curiosities; but we don't always follow through on them in reality. Sometimes we do, but it is curiosity purely of a sexual-nature. More-often; fantasies are way over the top! So far-fetched, we hide them in shame.
So your unauthorized snooping got you a glimpse of one of her "fantasies."
You are her "reality." She could have had someone else in your place if that's what she truly wanted. You're being childish. It's not like you're totally unfamiliar with masturbation.
Most women fantasize about having a wealthy boyfriend or husband; who lavishes them with gifts, and takes them on shopping sprees. Should we all drown in anxiety because of that my friend?
She cares about you, and she's happy with what you have; or she'd find what she really wanted elsewhere. Her options are always wide-open, and she doesn't have to settle.
Trying to get into another person's head to read their thoughts, or guess their true desires will keep you very frustrated my friend. Man-up!
Invading on her privacy got you more than you bargained for.
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A
male
reader, RevMick  +, writes (20 May 2014):
 Hi Toushite,
I think you are worrying if you measure up in the bedroom department, and as such the fact she has some porn on her mobile phone worries you.
Your mind is racing at 300 miles and hour and you are jumping from, "does she prefer larger dicks", "is mine not enough" etc.
Porn in a relationship is a healthy thing in doses, have you tried watching porn together? I don't think you need to be concerned about your partner.
If she is only with you for a penis size, she would have left for a 12 foot monster a while ago. She obviously loves your personality and your other features.
Let it go.
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A
female
reader, YoungButNotNaive  +, writes (20 May 2014):
 I don't think what she watched has anything to do with your size. I believe people can like things VISUALLY without wanting them in real life. A lot of women like the look of a big penis. But let's face it, how many women are actually deep enough to accommodate one, without feeling either discomfort or pain? It may seem like plenty are, but it only seems that way because they are the ones who are most outspoken about their preferences. You don't hear women say "I prefer smaller penises", because they know they won't be taken seriously, anyway. I can't tell you the number of times I've basically been called a liar for stating a preference that was considered abnormal. Whether it be that, or saying I preferred short guys. I guess compare this to guys with small or average chested girlfriends who like to watch porn that features women with huge, fake boobs. They are meant to be pleasing to the eyes, NOT to touch. I don't know too many guys who would want a woman with fake boobs for a girlfriend, (exception being if she had breast cancer and got them to look "normal"). But plenty of men still check them out. So no, you shouldn't assume your girlfriend is looking for someone bigger. Take porn preferences with a grain of salt, because porn normally doesn't represent what someone wants in reality, no matter which gender they are.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (20 May 2014):
 Hello Toushite, what a rough spot for you as a young man…
I can assure you that her choices in porn are NOT reflective of her feelings for you.
Your insecurity is your own and it would not matter if she had watched “tiny Asian guy with fat American girl” it still would have made you wonder about yourself… that’s part of growing up and affects many of us for MANY years. I find most adults don’t get very secure with themselves till about mid 30s regardless of what’s going on and for some not ever…
Anyway… porn is not for artistic purposes…it’s to get off… and watching something that is unusual, or forbidden (in her mind) makes the orgasm all that much sweeter… PORN is about feeding a fantasy.. YOU are about feeding her needs in real life.
You should NOT feel horrible.
You are not being immature so much as young and insecure. You are also assuming that for women the man’s penis is the center of our pleasure during sex… for most women it’s not. We prefer kisses, and cuddles and oral skills or manual skills over a penis… at least many of us do. Myself included.
A LARGE penis HURTS even if the guy is gentle… My hubby is on the small side of normal and he’s the smallest partner I have ever had in height etc… and guess what.. his fits mine perfectly… I’m betting your girl thinks you fit perfectly too.
You ask “why did she hide it from me?” BECAUSE for many of us porn is private…so is masturbation… it’s not a shared activity.
NO you should NOT assume she wants someone bigger or blacker…
NO you should NOT assume she is not satisfied with you. She probably is
But if you want to know for sure you could ask her.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2014): This is a compatibility issue. Some people say it means nothing but people who worry about it will just dismiss that. You'll need to find someone who doesn't look, alot of women don't.
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A
male
reader, Mark1978 +, writes (20 May 2014):
 The issue here is not so much the porn, but rather the fact that the porn has played upon your own insecurities relating to your penis size.
You are not fretting (presumably) about being too light skinned for your girlfriend, despite her enjoying watching black men in porn. I'm sure you are not in anyway concerned as to how much taller or shorter the porn stars are compared with yourself? Or their intelligence, financial situation or maturity level compared to yours? Yet because you are insecure about the size of your penis it is that aspect that is troubling you.
The point being that if she had porn featuring black men with shaved heads, or white men with gold teeth, or mixed race guys covered in tattoos or 6 foot 7 muscle men...would you really feel so insecure about your it? Would you compare your lack of tattoos, your shorter height, your different hair cut, your lack of muscle in comparison or your different skin colour when compared to those men?
You wouldn't worry that by not being the same physical description as the man in porn that she was going to up and leave would you? Yet because you are insecure about your penis size it is provoking an uneccissary response.
OP porn is escapism. Men and women often watch, and indeed enjoy, porn that bares no resemblance whatsoever to acts or people that would be of interest in real life. Some men watch porn with huge women, grannies, women with huge breasts yet would not sleep with or date those types in real life.
The bottom line: she has always made you feel better about the size of your penis. She has always stuck with you and encouraged you. So judge her actions and words, not her masturbatory fantasies.
Mark
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (20 May 2014):
 Her personal pron preference ACTUALLY has nothing to do with you. OR the size of your penis.
IF the size of your penis was SO important to her and she felt you FELL SHORT, she would have dumped you already, don't you think?
The thing is, MANY ( I would almost say most) women don't CARE about the size of a man's penis. They CARE about the guy, said penis is attached to and HOW WELL he can use said penis.
Most women I have ever met who have been with BIG PENIS guys have always mentioned how they LACK in skills and consideration for their partner, they TOTALLY rely on the size only, and frankly - other then fantasy, the size doesn't help PLEASE a women sexually.
Fantasies are just that.. FANTASIES. Most of which we will NEVER live out, most of which we don't WANT to live out.
Would you have felt better if she was looking for "how to be satisfied by small dicks" ? Bet you would have felt worse.
Some men, and please don't grow up to be one of them, think their WORTH as a man and sexual partner is revolving SOLELY around your penis. NEWSFLASH it's not.
This is YOUR insecurity, work on it. And let her pick what porn she likes. Stop checking her phone too. That is not a good trait.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2014): No, it means nothing at all. Do you only like one type of breasts? Do you only like one shape of ass?
My wife likes big black dick porn too, I'm white and have an above average size but not much above average. We fit like a glove and she's very happy with our sex life, she just likes the fantasy of being split open by one or more black men with huge penises because it's not something she's ever experienced. It means nothing and she doesn't actually like the idea in real terms either. She's not actually attracted to black men in real life, she just enjoys the fantasy.
OP porn taste is like taste in regular movies. This is just the genre she likes much like you may love action movies. It's nothing more profound and if she was unhappy with your penis then you'd not have even been able to get her to be your girlfriend in the first place.
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A
female
reader, WhenCowsAttack +, writes (20 May 2014):
And she will keep hiding it from you, as you apparently grilled her until she "confessed" masturbating to it.
Its just fantasy, it has nothing to do with you. Why do people insist on shaming others over their private (masturbation) choices? She didn't shame you over your smaller penis,you said she lifted you up and made you feel better. So why are you doing this to her?
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A
female
reader, cattycakes +, writes (20 May 2014):
I know that size matters to men, much more than it matters to women. I told my husband that my ex husband was huge, which he was, because I didn't like it. He could not bear it, he was floored! That was 10 years ago and he still mentions it.
Never mind that women have to put up with their men masturbating over women with much bigger breasts.
There does seem to be a real feeling of manhood being undermined if someone has a bigger penis. Honestly, huge ones in real life are not easy to work with. A bit like a mallet! Medium is best, used in a thoughtful and passionate way. Compete with your skill and concentrate on making nice orgasms for her. Nothing can win out over that.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (20 May 2014):
 Don't be silly please...it meant NOTHING at all. Porn is just a harmless outlet for masturbation and so what if she masturbated to a big black penis? Its just a visual image that got her off easily, just something that was a variety for her imagination. Its nothing about not being satisfied with you, my boyfriend watches porn occasionally but I know that there is no way that the women in porn can ever replace me, its even ridiculous to think so! If you feel that she hid it from you then its because she either thought that it wasn't a big deal, she was just ashamed of it or because she knew you would get unnecessarily worked up.
I know my B/f watches porn and I am completely fine with it. I would rather he watch it with me than without me and because he knows that I don't blow my top when it comes to porn, he has nothing to hide or nothing to be ashamed of.
Are you telling me you've NEVER masturbated to porn? You know it meant nothing to you, right? That it was just an easy way to get an orgasm? Trust me, it was the same for her too.
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