A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hello everyone. I've never posted a question online before but I really don't know what to do in this situation so I'd very much appreciate your honest opinion and input!Quick background story. I've been with my partner for 5 years this coming March. We met in university abroad and were together for 3 years until he graduated and moved back home. We began a long distance relationship all through my studies up to the start of my full-time job. He's a bit of a jet setter and during the LDR, he's completed his masters and have done a few exchange programmes in several countries. We always tried our best to meet up during our holidays and travels. He's in the process of finding a job in the country that I'm in so we can be together.Cutting straight to the point, I've recently found out through his facebook that he's been cheating on me with a classmate during one of his exchange programmes. Based on their conversation, it's seems to be going on since September last year. I do not know the nature of their relationship, but I'm inclined to say that it is physical as they went on trips together. I also found out that the woman is attached with a boyfriend of 5-6 years, and that they both (my boyfriend and the woman) are aware of each other's relationship status. Recently, the woman's boyfriend found out about her affair and was, her words, upset about it. She didn't mention if they ended their relationship, only that she felt very guilty and sorry to her partner. My relationship with my boyfriend is normal and as usual as he doesn't know that I have found out yet and I'm trying my best to keep it from him at the moment.My questions are, should I make an attempt to contact the woman's partner in order to get more information on the affair from his point of view? Should I give my boyfriend a second chance as it seems that he's still intending to move over to where I am? I know that I will have to confront him about his affair eventually but I'm trying to gather as much information as possible before deciding on what to do.Sorry this is so long winded but I've tried my best to keep it short!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2017): I love Billy Bathgate's way of thinking!!!If I caught my guy cheating, it will be a done deal that I go with the guy he hates most just to get back at him! Maybe video tape it too!I'll tell you. I am a beautiful woman with a lot going for me. He is way older, over the hill and does not have the choices I have. And I have been LOYAL to him all along. For 2 years! When I can go out and have ANY man I choose!So, yeah, if he did that to ME, when I REFRAINED, then he would definitely feel the wrath of my punishment!!!! And deserve every torturous thought of me getting off with some other guy and giving that guy my all!! When he loses. Permanently. And will spend the rest of his trying to find anyone like me.
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (7 February 2017):
 Oh Sweetie, you are not going to gain anything by contacting him, it is clear you are looking for a reason to stay with your boyfriend, to forgive and forget what he has done. But honestly? There is no excuse for what he done, he cheated on you, plain and simple. He cared so little that he took another women on trips away and had sex with her, he did not give you a second thought. That is hard to hear but it is the truth. If he loved you he would not be having sex with her. Who says she is the first? Or even the last?
Can you say you can forgive him and trust him? What about in a few months when he goes away on a trip, will you trust he is not having sex with anyone else? I applaud you for being so calm, I could not keep this from my partner I would be so heartbroken with him I would need to tell him straight away what I knew.
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A
male
reader, Billy Bathgate  +, writes (6 February 2017):
You should wait a while, until he thinks the coast is clear then you sleep with his best friend or another male who is close to him. Revenge sex is the best and revenge is a dish best served cold that is why you want to wait a while before you do it.
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A
male
reader, N91  +, writes (6 February 2017):
 You've seen the evidence for yourself, confront him.
Why would you want to give him a second chance because hes atempting to move closer to you? Does that change the fact that he's cheated on you?
Will you ever be able to trust him again? Doubtful.
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A
female
reader, like I see it +, writes (6 February 2017):
 One more thing - *please* see your physician for an STI check as soon as you can, even if you haven't met up and been intimate with him since the time you think the cheating started. It's quite possible she isn't the first time he has strayed, or it has been going on longer than you're aware of, and there's no way of knowing whether or not he's been using protection. Not to worry you, but certain infections can be nearly or completely without symptoms in their early stages, while causing potentially lasting damage to your health or fertility if left untreated. Don't wait.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2017): Having evidence that your boyfriend cheated, however obtained, should be enough to make a decision without contacting anyone else directly.
You don't need any further evidence; as it seems the messages you read from the woman involved clearly indicates they were having a tryst, and she was feeling guilty about it. Add that to the fact they've been traveling together; and that too was clearly stated. Contact would certainly fan the flames for the other couple, if that is your objective. I see no reason for that. You might want to steer your energies toward something more productive than vengeance.
If you wish to contact anyone, don't you think that should be your boyfriend? Too much information is basically self-torture. Beating yourself over the head with TMI will only make you feel worse.
You already know he has been cheating; so why beat around the bush? Get straight to the point. It is now unlikely (if not unwise) that you're going to uproot your life to be together; knowing that he hasn't been honest with you. Oh, it is certainly your prerogative to forgive; but it is unlikely you will fully trust or ever forget.
Restrict your communications regarding your relationship between you and your boyfriend. If you need facts, get them straight from him. He deserves a direct confrontation.
If he denies cheating, lying should be a huge red-flag; and a lie should be the deal-breaker of all deal-breakers. I'd say you have sufficient evidence. You already know the most incriminating facts. Lying will give you all the needed reasoning you require to end the relationship. Even if he comes clean, how do you think you'll feel after a full confession?
That is, depending on how forgiving a person you are; and whether you actually feel you can fully forgive him and still trust him from now on. I doubt you will.
I really feel sorry that you had to find out something so painful after all the time and emotion you have invested. Sometimes fate and destiny do intervene when there really should be an alternate turn in life-events. There may be someone making his way to you, and this happened at just the right time. All things happen for a reason, and I don't believe in coincidence.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (6 February 2017):
 I'm sorry that you are hurting and confused. When you find out your partner is cheating, its like being hit in the stomach. You get the wind knocked out of you and then you feel the pain. It appears from your post that you are handling everything quite well. My ex husband cheated on me and I never forgave him. He cheated, got the woman pregnant and was remarried within 6 weeks of the divorce..all the time stating that he loved me and had "made a mistake". Uh huh...I have little tolerance for cheaters.
When a partner cheats, the trust is broken...destroyed and its VERY hard to get the trust back. Some people can work through it and their relationship survives and even becomes stronger but normally the relationship ends. Its so hard to trust someone when you know they have lied, cheated and acted like nothing was wrong. You look over your shoulder, you question their every little action, anything they say....because you know they have lied/cheated in the past. It can honestly drive you almost crazy if you let it.
Ask yourself what you really want? Do you want to forgive him? I'm sure he'll sell you some pretty little story and might even perhaps try to blame you stating that he just couldn't handle being apart ect...I urge you...DON't buy it! He cheated because he could and because he wanted to. He's living along merrily right now..with you, the other girl...and perhaps even more ladies.
I don't know what you are going to do..but I'd show him the door. I'd write a short sweet little message stating "I know what you did" and then block and delete. Never look back. I agree with Youwish that there are probably far more than just one lady he's been with.
You deserve far better my dear. Life is short...don't waste it with a pathetic loser/cheater.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2017): Are you delaying the inevitable because you are afraid to lose him and everything you've shared together for the past 5 years?
I say confront him and end it.
I know it isn't easy but he consciously chose to cheat on you. He chose to do it behind your back. He has been happily at it for 6 whole months and counting! It was not a one night stand. Yes, it is a fling. But it's not a mistake he regrets. If it was, he would have told her goodbye and it would have been over in September. Over before it even began. He has been having a full blown sexual/emotional relationship with another woman. For his own selfishness with total and complete disregard for your heart. He has destroyed you. And your trust. There is no going back now. And he does not deserve another chance. Because even if he never does it again, the damage is already done. You are always going to worry he WILL do it again and have constant worries, nightmares and anxieties about the possibility, which will forever loom over your heads. Even if you have him on a tight rope and he is totally transparent, your thoughts will get the better of you and you will forever accuse him of cheating and it will poison your relationship. Don't even bother doing that kind of damage to yourself. He has shown you what he is capable of. Believe him. You will grow resentful because of what he did. You will never be able to forgive him. Even if you tell yourself you can. You won't be able to. It is going to make you care about him less, push him away, love him less and not want him to touch you. I know that if I found out my BF cheated, I could not stand the thought of him touching me ever again and whatever love I had for him would turn to hate in an instant. I would just go cold. And you cannot ever get that back. Take back your self respect and your dignity. Do not allow him to step all over you. He will again if you stay and slap him on the wrist. He made a huge mistake and he must now pay the ultimate price. The loss of you. A relationship which he threw away. Trust me, he is going to feel your loss and he will repent. So many of these cheaters end up feeling regret when they lose the woman they love over some side distraction. He never left you for her because he doesn't care enough for her. And he stays with you and still dabbles with her because you are safe and comfortable. But he was not happy enough with you to remain loyal. I am wondering if you have been having problems as a couple? Or is this a defect in his personality? If your loyalty is determined by opportunity, then there is something wrong with your character.
You appear so calm. I wouldn't be.
Too many women take cheating pricks back. And this just enables him to continue his cheating ways. Only he will get better at hiding it. The I am sorry's, I never meant for it to happen, she meant nothing to me, I will change, I promise... all those excuses are bullshit and empty words. Only because he was caught red handed. Because if he truly felt any remorse or guilt he would not be seeing her today, after 6 months! AND she has a partner! He does not give one crap about that. He does not respect her relationship and he does not respect yours. He has no problem having sex with another man's girlfriend. And YOU! Wow, that is entitled and narcissistic!
Love is not enough to forgive cheating. It does not matter how many years you spent together. You are only fooling yourself if you think you can be happy in a long term relationship with a cheater. It will eat you alive, in every which way.
He moved on the moment he started having sex with someone else. That is when he gave up on you. Now it is time for you to be strong and give up on him.
Some things in life are unforgiveable and cheating is at the top of the list.
He is a monster for doing this to you. And you should hate him with every fibre of your being for hurting you so badly. Don't allow him to get away with it. With actions come consequences. He chose the ending of this love story by being unfaithful. All you can do is find your happy ending somewhere else, with a man who deserves your heart.
It is going to hurt and you will have to go through the grieving process to come through to the other side. But you can do it. In time, you are going to forget he ever existed. Block him from your life. He is going to try to win you back, give you every excuse in the book. DO NOT LET HIM. It's done. It's too late.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2017): I think you can definitely go ahead and contact the girl's boyfriend for the details.
If it was me I would, because I would want to understand the whole truth, or as much of it as possible.
With that being said, even if you are not able to reach him, I think it is clear that this guy is a cheater and you are no longer going to stay together.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (5 February 2017):
 It's good you came here first. I know it hurts. You probably feel like there's a ripping hole straight through your gut right now. Many of us are aunts because either we ourselves or someone we love felt the same thing and we want to help others in times like this.
You already have everything you need to know about this whole situation. You have proof that he cheated, and you have the evidence that the girl he cheated with - her boyfriend also treated this like an affair as well.
Your relationship with your boyfriend has been a lie since last September, when you say he started cheating with this girl. However, given that he's *this* good at hiding things, I wouldn't be surprised if she was neither the first nor the only one.
You've hit one of the real issues with long distance relationships. What you have is all "someday", "open-ended", and "in-the-process". Your relationship has become a fantasy of what it once was. I highly doubt you both would have gotten to the point of actually getting together. I'd be curious as to how long the "in the process" had been going on, and I have no doubt it would have been indefinite. Do you really think he would have invited you to his home life, his friend life, his inner circle with them knowing he was jet-setting with other women? I doubt it! You are one of the different women in different places he's jet-set to.
You do not need to contact the woman he was cheating on you with because frankly, this is between you and him. She owed you nothing, and he most likely either lied and said he was single, or didn't mention how serious you were, or that you were "on the outs" or one of the millions of grooming things people say to minimize their relationship they're about to cheat on. All of that is irrelevant.
You need to leave him. Don't forgive him. No second chance. You're wasting your 20's, time you'll NEVER get back, on a fantasy relationship! It used to be real, but once it became long distance, and it DIDN'T have a definite timeclock on when it would end, it became the fantasy. LDR's only work when they have a definite beginning and a definite end. You met abroad, and he finished studies, you finished studied, and then your life were a bunch of holiday visits. That's not real!
Examples of LDR's that work are a soldier's deployment, a year exchange program where at the end of the year, both people live in the same place, etc. You started your full-time job where you live. It's telling that you didn't go live in his country.
I'm not saying this to be mean. I'm saying that a relationship that didn't have a lot of a chance was just destroyed by your LDR boyfriend when he cheated. You can't give a second chance because you're not together to rebuild the relationship. You have no idea if he's seeing 4 other people past and present. As you are no doubt seeing, you have the ability to stay normal and not give him any idea that you know. He's been doing the same thing to you since last September, and you had no idea.
You two drifted apart. He just drove in the nail. It's time to put college behind you for good and turn the page on him and in your own life. Find your next someone, WHILE YOU'RE STILL YOUNG, where you live, so that the relationship can grow in health, and not in fantasy.
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A
female
reader, like I see it +, writes (5 February 2017):
I agree with Honeypie. I don't think additional information is going to excuse him in any way - you two had what he led you to believe was an exclusive relationship, and he chose to step outside it and pursue someone else. Even more importantly, it's still ongoing, with no indication from him that he feels guilty about it or has any intention of confessing to you.
If you had found a message from him expressing regret over a drunken one-night stand, say, and telling the person it was a mistake and could never happen again, my answer might be very different. But what you have is someone who has cheated on you on a recurring basis and has apparently had no (moral) issues hiding that. His conscience isn't going to change with his time zone, so the fact that he'd move to be with you is unfortunately irrelevant to the issue at hand.
The ONLY question you need to consider here is whether or not a partner who cheats on you repeatedly is a deal-breaker FOR YOU. And no one can decide that for you - not your partner, not his fling, not her boyfriend, not anyone here. Make up your mind on that issue, then proceed accordingly in one direction or the other.
Hope this helps you. Good luck and best wishes!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (5 February 2017):
 Q: "should I make an attempt to contact the woman's partner in order to get more information on the affair?"
A: NO
Getting more details is NOT going to change the fact or give your BF an excuse for his behavior.
What exactly kind of "information" do you to make up your mind?
Either you want to confront, forgive and work on rebuilding the trust HE destroyed OR you want to end it and not take any further crap from him.
JUST because HE doesn't know that you know, doesn't MEAN he cares about your feelings or how it might affect you - after all he has been carrying this on since September. So about 6 months. And HE hasn't ended it with you to date her, he hasn't fessed up and he PROBABLY won't feel bad until he is confronted because THEN he will have something to lose. Right now he has his cake (you) and he gets to eat it too (her). So the best of both worlds. A Faithful GF who is hardworking in her own country and a woman whom he is around a lot and who is MORE than willing to cheat with him REGARDLESS of how her BF feels. (since you didn't write that they ended it over getting caught).
So what is your PERSONAL STANDARD when it comes to cheating? IS it something that can be forgiven? Should it be forgiven? Do you REALLY want to be with a guy who will DO this to you? Because if you think after a wedding he would NEVER do that... you are wrong. If he will RISK a 5-year relationship for a (so far) 6 months affair) he is willing to risk a marriage too, because why not?
And when it comes to trust, do you REALLY think you can trust him EVER again? IF you don't then the relationship will collapse on its own eventually and YOU will have wasted a LOT of time, emotions, and efforts n a guy who ISN'T exactly making the relationship a priority.
Without trust, other things will start to fall like dominos. Like respect, love, care, consideration etc. All you will have is YOU resenting the fact that he cheated on you and him resenting you for knowing.
So really decide what your standards ARE and stick to them. And act accordingly with him.
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