A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hello fellow cupiders,I am really gutted at the moment. Yesterday I found out that the best friends of my boyfriend for many years, and whom I thought of as my friends as well, absolutely hate me. My boyfriend and I have been together for almost two years. I thought I got along with his friends really well - particularly the three that he is closest to. We go out nearly every weekend, we invite each other for dinners, we go to lunches together. My boyfriend has stated repeatedly that he thinks that with one of his friends, lets call him 'Terry', I have a really good connection and that Terry seems to like me a lot (as a friend of course - Terry is gay anyway). And yesterday I found out, completely accidentally, from a person who obviously took pity on me (I wanted to enthusiastically invite everyone for a drink because it was my graduation, my bf is abroad at the moment), that they absolutely HATE me. Apparently I am the total villain in their circle of friends, the one they love to hate. They have invented special names for me, they arrange for me not to attend things as I am such a 'fun spoiler', etc. Recently it was my birthday and they came over and I was so happy , but in a textmessage (to the person who told me that my bf friends hate me) it came out that they were dragged there kicking and screaming, 'on gunpoint'. However, really nobody forced them to come.Particularly Terry calls me a loon, a weirdo, a bitch, and repeatedly stated in those text messages that he wishes my bf would dump me and they would be rid of me forever. It hurts so much, especially that I absolutely did not see this coming (one text from Terry to this person said: 'I wonder when she is finally going to get it that noone wants to go out with her, noone wants to know her'). And - to make things worse - Terry is even 'warning' people who have never met me before that I am a total 'monster'. Towards me though they are super nice and friendly. Like REALLY FRIENDLY. When I told my flatmate about this, who has met them as well and seen them interact with me, she did not want to believe it.My problem is the following: How do I tell my boyfriend about this, who is coming back home tomorrow? Should I tell him? I promised not to reveal my source. And I am about to go on holidays with my bf, Terry and some others in 2 weeks. I really don't know what to do about that. I really don't want to cause any drama. I am most afraid that maybe my boyfriend will start thinking that his friends are right and there is really something wrong with me. For all I am concerned he can stay their friend, but I don't want to see them ever again (and from what I have read in the texts, they would be REALLY pleased about that). I am so devastated, I have not slept for the past 3 nights. I really did not see that coming. How can I ever trust people's reactions towards me again?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2010): Thank you! I will talk to him when he comes back this evening!
A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (5 September 2010):
 Hi..Well the good thing is that you have an amazing boyfriend, and he would be supportive of you.I figured from your post that you come across as a serious, mature, dignified person...and you would never want to antagonize anyone, or be the cause of any rift. But you have to realize that everyone in this world is not like you. You are an honest person, and I can relate to that, because I also have my principle of either black or white. There are no chances of any shades of gray. HOWEVER,there are all kinds of people in this world and 'Terry' is a hypocrite. He is the worst kind, because they can be really poisonous and yet veil their feelings so well, you just would'nt know what is going on. Do have a talk with your boyfriend first, and then talk it out with Terry. I can imagine that this is something you must be absolutely dreading, because no one likes doing this. But you must. Look...this realization is new for you, but this hatred is something 'Terry' has been nursing for very long. While you are losing sleep over this,'Terry' would not even bat an eyelid, because he is a disgusting creep. But all the same, you MUST confont him. Dont even try to rationalize "why" he did this...no point.Accept that everyone is not like you.And while their group looks very happy and cheerful from the outside, its not. Thats an illusion. Its probably got a bunch of these hypocrites thrown in together who change their colours like chameleons whenever they want to. Your boyfriend seems to be caught in the wrong group of friends. And let them talk bad about you. People who matter to you know what you are. Who cares about what others think?? Trust me, its not as bad as it seems. You're imagining things in your head and making it much worse. And just because you met a few worthless people doesnt mean the whole world is bad. Iv met people like this too...and Im sure most others have!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 September 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHello,
Thank you so much for your reply!
My boyfriend is a genuinly kind and loving person, who always believes in the best in people. I am absolutely certain that he does not know about what has been going on -- I mean when we go out we always go out all together, so I see him as a victim of this deception just as much as me. But I will ask him. I just know that he would never lie to me about his, in the past he has told me for example when his sisters criticised me for something that I have said or done, usually a misunderstanding that could be resolved easily, so he really does not hide things.
And you should see Terry and how he interacts with me. I see this guy at least 4 times a week, and he is absolutely loving and caring, and it was me who really wanted to invite him to go along on our holiday as I considered him a really good friend... Well until it turned out that he was the one who hates me the most, calls me a bloodsucking vampire, wonders when I will get it that noone likes me and noone wants to spend time with me, and that he is going to be stuck on holiday with 'this fucking loon' (that is what I read in those textmessages). So it comes as such a kick in the stomach and I am afraid that it will have an impact on my trust in people. I just can't imagine myself faking it THAT well!
The other thing is that I understand if someone does not like me. For whatever reason - sometimes people just don't click and don't find their company very enjoyable. I have such people in my life as well. However, what I read in those messages and what I was told it just pure hate!
It was good I met this person who told me about this accidentally that day. At least he said that he just can't stand watching this situations where I come into a room all smiley and happy, and everyone is smiley and happy back, while just a moment before everyone was made aware that 'the monster has arrived'. Even people who I don't really know well. At least now I know why some friends of friends don't really walk up to me and rather avoid me.
You know, I must admit that I am not the most outgoing person. I come across as quite serious and focussed. I prefer discussions to lighthearted conversations (something that my bf seems to love about me though). I also have a rather dry sense of humour. Also, I can get very upset at injustices and voice my opinion very clearly. But I always thought that I am surrounded by friends. And that at the end of the day we all respected each other and had an understanding. I also tried to be a bit more small-talky and I think I was doing quite well. And I thought people were laughing at my jokes -- now it turns out they were laughing about me. As I said before: I do understand why someone would not like me for who I am. But to *hate* me like this, and most of all to pretend to be my friend, that is just incredibly painful.
I am thinking about confronting them. However, they are usually such a cheery, friendly, we-love-each-other group that this will be taken as a huge offence. And just another reason to talk bad about me for spoiling their 'fun'.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123 +, writes (4 September 2010):
This is something really unfortunate to have happened. I can imagine your hurt. However, I want to ask you a few things first. How is it that your boyfriend has never given you the slightest hint about any of this? If he is their "best" friend, then he must surely know what they feel about you. It doesnt matter in the least if its good or bad, because who is ANYONE to pass a judgment on you? Its just that had you known they are not particularly friendly towards you, you would have yourself avoided them and this embarrassment.Secondly, why did you boyfriend go to the extent of giving you the impression that 'Terry' and you have a really good connection when he obviously knows its not true??? He shouldnt have done that. That just led you on more and more to believe that you guys were all getting along really well.Third: Why are you afraid of raising the issue with your boyfriend? Dont name the source, but you absolutely must have a talk with him. Whatever has been going on behind your back is most hurtful. You must also talk it out with 'Terry' and confront him. How dare he bad-mouth you this way? Who does he think you are, and what gives him the right to talk like this about you?? Dont let anyone get away with his. If you dont stand up for yourself, people will just walk over you. You dont have to be good with everyone. Some people just dont deserve it.Why are you worried about creating a scene and why do you even CARE about what you boyfriend or others will think about you based on this? Is your boyfriend such a weak character that he would base his opinions about you going by what his friends think? What kind of a relationship is this where you need to please him so much,and you're scared of what he might think? Be strong.Dont lose sleep over these idiots, 'Terry' would only be too happy to know that he has caused you so much pain. To hell with him. Dont give any of these "friends" importance...but please take a stand and confront everyone and make it clear that if they have a problem with you, let them say it face-to-face. This cheap attitude of theirs is unforgivable.
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