A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:We have been together for 5 years and we got married a few months ago. Recently she got pregnant, however 6-7 weeks later, it turned out to be a miscarriage. During one of the visits at the gyn, the doctor mentioned that this is her third abortion. I couldn't believe my ears: third? So this is how I found out that she had 2 induced abortions before our relationship. Now I feel angry and betrayed for being lied for so much time. It's one thing she tells me, another one to find out about it while together at the doctor. She said she was sorry, didn't want to remember the trauma, and so on.All sort of thoughts cross my mind now: from divorcing to forgiving her altogether. What is your opinion about this situation?
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female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (24 January 2012):
 Thank you for the follow up and I'm glad you have chosen to adopt a more supportive position and I wish you both the very best. However your wife has done nothing for you to forgive. It should be her forgiving you for your explosive and criticial reaction.
This incident would never have happened had her doctor been professional and discreet, as required by law. He or she had no right to expose your wife's prior medical history and doing so was a very serious ethical violation. I strongly suggest your wife report this matter to the appropriate authorities (privacy commission or medical regulatory body).
A
male
reader, serenity80  +, writes (18 January 2012):
Thanks for the update, I am sure this upsetting incident will actually bring you closer in the long run. All the best.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (17 January 2012):
 Thank you for the followup. Best wishes for starting your new, nonjudgmental, supportive and loving family. I hope everything goes well in the future for you. "Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle."
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2012): I'm the original poster. Thank you all for the perspectives!
Some clarifications: the two abortions were not for medical reasons, but provoked (pregnant at end of high school, then again beginning of undergraduate studies), in a judgmental and unsupportive family. The third one was a natural miscarriage, we both wanted it to go well. The doctor said the abortions didn't influence the miscarriage, it's just that 10-15% of all pregnancies stop in the first 3 months.
Indeed this was very traumatic to her. On top of it, she never had the courage to tell me about it, although she wanted to. We talked about it yesterday, she cried a lot, and was really sorry and apologetic about it. Bottom line, I forgive her and move on. Indeed I overreacted initially, as I was so upset on her.
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A
male
reader, JustHelpinAgain +, writes (17 January 2012):
What a shock for you. After a few years marriage we feel like we know everything about our partner and then something like this happens that makes you feel like everything you believed in was fake, a lie. You have my sympathy. I have shared these feelings and the hardest thing is to put the time perspective back in place. What happened to your wife was long before you met, she was a different person, a young person growing into the beautiful woman that you fell in love with. For her you gave her a future and a chance to put the past behind and forget it. Many young women terminate pregnancies and although the physical act is fairly trivial there is always emotional pain and often the pain of a messed up relationship. This is never something your wife would want to discuss. Not only would she suffer being reminded but she would also know she would upset the man she loved and cared about above all else. Your obvious shock has confirmed this. You now have to make your brain overrule your heart. Every single one of us has stuff from our pasts that our partner would not like to know. Your wife is the person you fell in love with and now she is suffering and, you, the person she loves and trusts to help her, is not there for her. You have to forgive her for the pain you have, even though it was never directed at you. You need to talk lovingly about your feelings and apologise for your reaction. Remember your pain is because you love her so much, and remember your promise to her. Work on some serious loving healing. It will be ok just keep your head in control, many people have got over a lot worse. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (16 January 2012):
 are you sure you did not jump to conclusions?
Doctors often refer to 'spontaneous abortion' meaning an involuntary thing where the body aborts the baby.
In polite terms we call it mis-carriage.
It sounds like the Doctor's terminology ma be the issue.
And yes your wife would find it distressing to find that she is having
trouble growing a baby in her womb full term. It is not her s
So being judgemental may well be adding to her woes.
You agreed to honor her in sickness and in health.
By Assuming you run the risk of destroying TRUST in your marriage.
Now it is your time to recall those vows instead of finding fault so readily.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2012): Hey, it wasn't your kids, and an abortion can be a pretty hard thing that most women don't want to remember. Its still your wife, and its not like you asked the question "have you ever had an abortion" and she deliberately lied and said no. And even if she did, its not a big lie. You are overreacting. Chill out, its not really your business anyway. I'm sure your wife doesn't know every last detail about you either.
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A
female
reader, natasia +, writes (16 January 2012):
 Looking at it again - I think you mean that she had two miscarriages before that ended with surgical cleaning out of the womb.
In which case, she has had three pregnancies which have gone wrong. So you should feel REALLY REALLY sorry for her, and certainly anyhow not get cross about her not telling you about what happened before she met you. This is obviously a very private and upsetting issue for her. She probably hoped upon hope it would all be ok with you, and again it has gone wrong.
Be nice to her. Be kind, loving and sympathetic. Ask her about what happened. Then try to help her through this.
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A
female
reader, natasia +, writes (16 January 2012):
I don't understand - if this was her third 'abortion', then why did you say it was a miscarriage? Big difference.
So, has she had two abortions before, and one now, or miscarriage(s)? If she had two abortions before she met you, to be honest that is her business, and she is no doubt pretty distressed about it. If she had an abortion now with you without telling you (third abortion?) - then that in my opinion is real bad and a deal-breaker. You just don't abort someone's child without talking about it. But I think you are saying that she had two abortions and one miscarriage. In which case, she will feel EXTRA bad about the miscarriage, because now she wants a child, she loses one, when she trashed two ok babies before.
So either way, need some clarity on what was abortion, what miscarriage, before can judge. Either you should feel really sorry for her, or you could feel devastated by her actions - two total extremes - and depends on what actually happened.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2012): I initially thought she had terminated your baby. However, she terminated someone else's baby. If she hadn't you two probably wouldn't have met. Get over yourself and let her have her privacy.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2012): I'm not sure if she had an induced abortion or a spontaneous abortion/ miscarriage as some people said sometimes the latter terms are interchangeable. If she had an induced abortion this time I can understand why you're upset as she should have talked with you about it. If she had miscarriages then I understand she might not want to discuss it with you. You need to support her now and love her, not consider divorce. Take care.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2012): She should have told you. I wouldn't be with my husband if I found out he told a woman to abort a baby, its basically the same thing. No matter how much you love someone you have to stand by your morals and eventually you will have kids with her. You together will have to raise the kid and would you really want her to be ok with telling your kid to abort your grandchild. Its a private matter im sure she regrets it and is embarrassed thats why she didn't tell you. Just sit down and talk about what her beliefs are now. This could have happened when she was a teen and felt pressure from parents etc. One I maybe could understand under those circumstances but two come on now seriously (twins?). Theres definitely an issue there. Good Luck
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A
female
reader, PerhapsNot +, writes (16 January 2012):
 I am going to go against the grain here and say that your feelings are completely normal and reasonable. I'd be pissed off too if I married someone, who never shared something this huge and life-altering during a course of 5 years. If I shared everything, ranging from the shitty truths about myself to the embarrassing and depressing, I'd expect the same from my partner. After all, it's about getting to knowing the person, including their past and their mistakes. It's not about concealing or conveniently leaving out certain moments in your life that you don't feel proud of or that plague your conscience well into the present.
What she went through is a HUGE deal. If she didn't want to remember the trauma, it means it still affects her to this day. Most women never get over aborting their unborn children and feel guilty for the rest of their lives. Choosing to abort, choosing to sentence someone to death, or choosing to pull someone off life-support are the most serious, depressing choice a human being can make. It's even more of a reason to share this with the person you have chosen to spend your life with. If you weren't upset over this, you'd have to be some sort of a saint!
You already told her that you're upset. The right thing to do would be to support her and yourself through this tough time, as you both lost a child. Give it some time, and let this new revelation sink in. Have a discussion with her and let her know that you want her to be open and honest about these things and if she chooses to omit the truth from you, you will leave her.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2012): Were they induced for a medical reason?
She didn't lie to you she just didn't tell you OP, big ass difference. I'm sure you have things you have't told her, don't lie, you do because we all do. Unpleasant little secrets that you'd rather not bring up because they don't have any bearing on your life now, they're the past and things you'd rather no revisit.
Well now you found out OP, you found out she's gone through the trauma of losing 3 unborn babies. So stop being a child and man up. I will never know what it's like to lose an unborn baby and neither will you but I have a good idea of the pain it causes from seeing women have miscarriages and how they felt afterwards.
You do know that this miscarriage may be a result of damage caused by the previous two right? That perhaps now she may struggle to have kids and all you can think about is that she didn't tell you. Well what purpose would it have served to tell you? Are you really that selfish that you'd rather she go back to the depression and pain of those times in her life just so you can know about them? That's cruel OP.
I have no sympathy for you at all OP, she told you about the trauma of those and that's the reason she didn't tell you and all you can think about is feeling betrayed? Grow up OP she didn't have to tell you about them at all it's none of your business what happened to her in past if it doesn't concern you and this did not concern you until now, because it was medical matter that happened before you were even together. She has a right to protect her past privacy and she has very good reason for doing that too. Do you want her tell you the times and dates she may have been treated for thrush too?
If you ask me it's you that needs to be forgiven not her. She didn't do anything wrong and now you're contemplating divorce because your wife wanted to protect herself and you from the pain of revisiting her abortions? Wow, just wow.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2012): Hey, some doctors actually use the term "spontaneous abortion" to mean a miscarriage - are you sure this isn't what the doctor meant in your wife's case?
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (16 January 2012):
 Forgive her and get on with your lives together...
Good luck...
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A
male
reader, serenity80 +, writes (16 January 2012):
Forgive her, she didn't not tell you for any reasons to hurt you. They were probably traumatic times for her, and she probably found it too hard to bring up for all number of reasons.
If she had gone out behind your back and cheated on you I could see why you would want to divorce her, but for her to omit this and you react so badly? It makes you sure a little bit of a fool.
Get over your hurt and remember the reasons why you chose to marry her. Do not be angry at her.. love her..
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (16 January 2012):
 Why do you feel lied to? It happened before you and her became an item, and unless you directly asked her and she told you she'd never had one before then how can you call this lying?
I think you need to calm down and remember that you married her, which means you are stuck with her for life. If you can not honour your marriage then you shouldn't have gotten married in the first place. If you take marriage so lightly that you are willing to divorce over practically anything that happens to your dislike then you shouldn't have married to begin with. But you did, so now you need to take your responsibility and work this through with your wife without crying for divorce. You married her. Work it out.
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A
female
reader, Ciar +, writes (16 January 2012):
A miscarriage is also referred to as a 'spontaneous abortion' and the fact that her doctor referred to this as her third one suggests the others might have been as well.
When she apologises and says she didn't want to relive the trauma does she mean the trauma of suffering miscarriages or the trauma that led to or resulted from an induced abortion?
I'm not in favour of induced abortion either (assuming that is the position you're coming at this from) and I have never had one myself. However I can tell you that the few women I know of who have are left deeply remorseful and full of sorrow. And your reaction to this news is, frankly, self centered and callous.
Women are not used cars whose mileage and prior damage must be declared before you take ownership.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2012): Doctors refer to 1st term miscarriages as spontaneous abortions. Instead of jumping to conclusions and assuming she had a medical abortion try talking to her.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (16 January 2012):
 If she had the abortions before you even met, why would she need to tell you?
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A
female
reader, Starlights +, writes (16 January 2012):
 Please be sensitive to your wife right now.
Abortions are NEVER EASY !
Anyone who has been through this experience can tell you its not the easiest thing in the world to deal with. The decision is not easy, the process is not easy, the pain emotionally and physically is not easy.
Your wife didnt tell you because she did NOT want to re-live those moments again (her abortions) by telling you, and coupled with the questions you may ask, she avoided it.
She didnt lie, she avoided a issue. She probably knew how you'd react. (Like your post for example).
She's also had a miscarriage, and that too is very painful physically and emotionally,
so instead of thinking about divorce,
sit down, hug her and support her.
This is what marriage is for;
LOVE. FOR BETTER OR WORSE SITUATIONS. LOVE. FORGIVE.
Have some compassion, She's in so much pain right now physically and emotionally she needs your support and care more than ever.
Her past is her past dismiss it.
We've all done things we are not proud of in our past,
and remember you married her because you love her,
you did NOT marry her because of her past history.
Keep it in perspective and work through this.
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