A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:I have a 16 year old daughter. Last night, I picked up the phone wanting to make a phone call unaware my daughter was talking to her best friend. She had said that last Saturday, she had sex with her boyfriend, who is also 16. When she had gone out for her piano lesson today, I found condoms and birth control in her room. At least I know she had protected sex. She still doesn't know I know, but I would like to try to talk to her about it. I'm surprised she hid it from me. Please tell me what to do, and how I should approach the subject.
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male
reader, Sandman +, writes (10 March 2008):
 Most teenagers are usually afraid of telling their parents when they've begun having sex for fear of what their parents will say. Even if the parents tell their kids "you can tell me anything" - it still doesn't make it any easier when the parents are giving the kids the message of how angry they would be if the child got pregnant (or got someone pregnant) and what that would mean or do to the family.
Not that you said anything like that - but teenagers are beginning to learn and think critically and sometimes that critical thinking isn't as evolved as we hoped it would be. That's why most of us make some bad decisions in our teenage years (and well into adult years). So she probably played in her mind things you would say and how you react if you knew she was having sex.
If you want her to know you know - do it gently. By all means, don't judge her or make her feel bad about normal sexual desires. Try to talk her through the issues she might be facing and give her additional tools by which to make good, sound decisions regarding her sexuality.
Hope this helps.
A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (9 March 2008):
 Children generally hide these things because of fear. They're afraid of being rejected, of being judged and of having parents not understand them from their view. We look at it from an adult perspective, such as "you did what?" when they're looking for understanding and having a real conversation about it.
She needs to know that you respect her decision and you're proud of her for being protected and with her growing up you both need to work together to keep her safe. Trying to keep her from doing it doesn't work. They only rebel when that happens. Also talk to her about the psychological side of sex, and the feelings that quite often get attached to the act. And of course how to deal with the pressures and not feeling pressured into doing anything she doesn't want too.
I hope this helps you. Take care.
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A
female
reader, Emzy1591  +, writes (9 March 2008):
 Speaking from a 16 year old's perspective...she probably didn't tell you that she had sex because she was scared how you would react. And I don't think she would appreciate knowing that you were snooping through her bedroom!! So my advice would be to sit her down and have a "girlie chat". If she doesn't bring it up then she's clearly not ready to tell you and will tell you in time. But i wouldn't tell her you know because then she will know that you've been listening to her conversations and snooping through her things which will prevent her talking to you about it even more. Just give it time - I'm sure she will come round and tell you.
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