A
female
age
30-35,
*oconutmlkx3
writes:Earlier this week I found out my boyfriend of 7 years cheated on me. We were hanging out at the park and he was showing me a text message from a friend that was funny. So i was read it and then decided to randomly look at his other texts for fun. Started reading one of his conversations with his buddy and his buddy was telling my bf about how he cheats on his gf all the time and how my bf should cheat on me b/c i probably already cheated on him. My bf texted back saying he doesn't think I would cheat on him but how he's already cheated on me. I was struck by lightening. Kept reading and it goes onto saying what he did with this girl and how and all the details to his buddy. It happened 5 months back, they had the same college class together. While I was reading this he was very angry and kept saying don't read that convo don't read it. After I finished I looked up and he denied it. Saying how he just made it up to seem cool in front of his buddy. I didn't believe him and threatened to text that girl (apparently I know her as his friend/classmate). I texted her (through his phone) saying hey do you remember us being together? She responded with "we can't remember that anymore... we have to move on please I'm asking you nicely". I wanted to write back but then he confessed and said yes he did but apparently it was only a 2x thing and they stopped talking after that. He said he didn't sleep with her just made out and ...other stuff. I was so in shock I didn't what to say. So I just asked why? He said "i don't know, I was caught in the moment, i honestly don't know" I couldn't take it anymore so I got up and left. He didn't really stop me just said "don't go" once but that's all. So later that night he texted me a couple times, He said something like i'm sorry i ruined our future and i don't know what came over me and how he was never attracted to her and how i deserve better and how he hopes I don't ruin my life over this. He also later texted saying how he thought about why he did it b/c he didn't know or something and he concluded that he probably did it b.c we weren't sleeping together as much or whatever. The last text he said "can you ever forgive me?" then text back saying ok goodnight =(. That's all. It been a week now. I never replied back. I was so hurt I didn't know what to say. Its been a week and within this week he has done no further contacts with me. He did message our friends. He contacted his guy best friend and told him how we broke up and how he was such an asshole and that he was going to marry me and all that. He said something like I do love her and miss her but I don't wanna settle but I want her. And he kept asking the friend how i was doing if i was eating going to work and classes and tried to get his to contact me to find out info. He also messaged my best friend through facebook and wrote a long message about he's sorry for what he's done how he made a big mistake and he regrets it and he loves me so much. How this is unforgivable and he knows it. And he asked her to look after me to make sure I can get through this. He went on a weekend trip out of the country with his neighbors, which is what I heard from his best friend. Bu that was about it. It's weird I feel he cares and is sorry but then goes cold and seems like he doesn't and is happy without me. I don't know. Now I understand that the best thing for me is to move on and forget about him and obviously I'm trying but I spent 7 years with this man and I do love him. And I always thought he was such a great person. He was one of the GOOD guys. I'm so hurt. I never expected this from him. I don't know if I can ever see him again. But somewhere in my heart I want to know if he is sorry? If this meant anything to him? Was this a mistake or was this who he always was? Is there any hope in the future? Dating or friends? What should I do? How should I react? How much of this was my fault? Should I forgive? Does he even want me back? I love him so much I just want to make the right choices for myself about this. He is so un-readable right now I don't know who this person is. It's out of character. Need some peace in mind.
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (9 June 2014):
 I have no idea what this "closure" thing is. I think it's made up. There is no such thing. You end things, and feel like shot for a period, and then you stop feeling that way and feel better and that's it.
A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (9 June 2014):
 Honeypie summed that up perfectly.
It's the pursuit of 'closure' that prevents people from having any because it keeps them anchored in the pain ('I can't move on until he/she says or does such and such...').
It's acceptance that helps you move forward.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (9 June 2014):
 Closure is a mythical beast. You FIND closure for yourself at some point in time. Nothing he can say or do will GIVE you the sense of closure. It might take a good while as you two have a long history together.
I just can't see what he can SAY to you that will HELP you move past it. You are going to have to do that for yourself.
It will get better though. Don't try and rush it. And don't jump into the dating pool in hopes that a new guy will make you feel better.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, coconutmlkx3 +, writes (9 June 2014):
coconutmlkx3 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you everyone. Just the other thing I wanna know is should I get some type of closure?
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (9 June 2014):
 Like the others have said, its not the cheating he's upset about, its the fact that he got caught. He would obviously never have told you about it and he would have continued doing this with different women.
OP what do you expect from a cheater? If you expect apologies from them, that's the one thing you'll get because they are so bloody insolent that they will never admit to being wrong. Maybe because they don't regret it in the first place. If you expect him to grovel at your feet, forget that too because that's never going to happen.
The way he's behaving now is exactly how he's going to behave in the future too. He'll try to show himself as the good guy in front of family and friends when in reality he has no intentions of getting back or even bothering to know how you feel. These are his true colors OP, this is how the man really is. What he was in front of you before the messages came out was just a sham.
Do you even want to get back with this guy who's shown you what he's made of? Do you even want to spend a second more of your life on this disgusting man who's hurt you beyond repair? Don't you think that even by thinking that you are in love with him despite all this, you are just degrading yourself? Don't ever make the mistake of forgiving him because he doesn't even want your forgiveness; he is just a pathetic cheater who should be kicked out of your life.
OP he has shown you what he is. He doesn't give a DAMN about you. And NO, its NOT your fault and don't you ever think it is. Its entirely his fault and his loss and you should just chalk it up as a terrible episode but also look at the silver lining...you got saved before things got more serious between you as a couple. Imagine these texts tumbling out after you got married. Imagine this man abandoning you after marriage with the lame excuse that he didn't know better. What would you have done then? At least now you can save yourself and run for the hills...and that is what you should be doing. Wipe your tears, tell yourself that is over and that God has saved you in time and just move on. I know its easier said than done but every day will make you stronger.
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A
female
reader, Ciar +, writes (9 June 2014):
I don't believe he's sorry. He just regrets being caught. In his ideal world he'd have both you and the sexual variety he craves. The two would be completely separate compartments, one never interfering with the other.
What's more he bragged to his friend about it. Apparently his friend thinks nothing of you and your boyfriend is perfectly ok with that. In fact he wants his friend to think he holds you in the same low regard.
And if that wasn't enough, he has the arrogance to think that he is so fantastic that your life will be ruined without him in it. He thinks you're nothing on your own.
OP, you did the right thing by ignoring his texts, but for your own well being and self respect, please leave it at that. This man is NOT a friend. If you want to have healthy self esteem then you have to make good choices. Keeping him around in any capacity would be, in my opinion, a very bad choice.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (8 June 2014):
He's not sorry he cheated, he's sorry he got caught.
It's lame as to come and "confess" after being found out, and to wish it never happened only AFTER you find out.
If he was truly remorseful, do you think he's text his buddy to BRAG about it??!?!? He was BRAGGING. OMG. No, he's not sorry he did it, he's sorry you caught him.
What to do now? Be HAPPY that you found out, because he would have never told you, he would never have confessed (or maybe several years later, who knows, maybe he'll grow a conscience). You fund out now, so you see him for what he truly is. I'm sorry for your loss, you thought he was better than this... but all you lost was your fantasy about him being an amazing guy. This is reality. And now, you get to be free of him and his cheating and his lying.
As for contacting the friend and your best friend... what a dick. He's trying to cover his own ass and look good in public. If he was curious about how you were doing, how strange then that he doesn't ask YOU, but runs around and asks friends. Saying you broke up. But you never even had that discussion with him! So he's just trying to look good in public! He's announcing to the world that you have broken up so that it sounds like it was his decision to dump you, and then he goes and pretends it's because he isn't ready to settle or marry or whatever? OMG, what a jerk.
I'm sorry, I really can't get over what a coward this man is. It's in situations like this you get to see who people truly are. He's trying to prevent you from telling people what he did, preventing the questions by spreading lies about why you supposedly broke up...
And yeah, he is telling everyone you broke up, so how much does that say about his desire to be in a relationship with you? Such a two-faced piece... I'm so angry and upset on your behalf!
Maybe he was always like this, or maybe he changed and became this. You will never know. This man, the one he currently is, isn't any good for you though. This man only looks after himself and covers his own ass, is willing to throw you under the bus to save face.
I encourage you to give him a taste of his own medicine, since public appearance is his crux. Write a statement on facebook that says: Thank you for doing me the favour of announcing our breakup. And thank you for keeping the phone number of the girl you screwed behind my back. It was thoughtful of you, so that I could text her and get everything confirmed. Wish you all the best for the future!
Don't mention his name, it'll be obvious. Then just block him. What he did was selfish, cruel, and it's not like he didn't know what he was doing when he cheated. He then lied about it all to you, pretending to not have done anything wrong, even denying it as you read the words he himself had written, and you honestly think you can TRUST him when he says he didn't have sex with her "just kissing" and then "something else"?? He nailed her. Put it out there and deflate his blown up ego.
If you don't do this now you will regret it later when he starts to date another girl and she's clueless. Deflate his ego. I'm serious.
Then call your friends and let them know what happened, have a shoulder to cry on. And whether you believe it or not at this point: you are young, and you will love again.
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A
female
reader, PeanutButter +, writes (8 June 2014):
 Also, I wanted to add that people don't usually look through their partners phones for fun, there is usually a reason why we want to snoop if we do it. Perhaps deep down you expected to find this and it was more of a shock to the system because of it - just something to think about.
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A
female
reader, PeanutButter +, writes (8 June 2014):
Honestly, I dont think you will ever know for sure if he is sorry, or not and I think this is something that you will have to learn to deal with as you move on.
I would not contact him, again, and would take a big step back to re-affirm your own state of mind and to get right on track and to enjoy life for yourself, again.
He is not worth a single other thought and you deserve better. It really doesn't matter why he cheated but he didnt even just do it once, it was a couple of times and so it wasn't just spur of the moment at all.
I would bet that, from her reaction to your text, that she was the one who cut if off with him, else I am sure it would still be going on, he is bad news.
I wouldn't forgive him, I would just forget it and move along, let him realize what he has lost, if he indeed thinks that he lost anything at all.
He was NOT one of the good guys, not at all, your picture of his was wrong and you shouldnt dwell on the good guy in him because if he truly was, then he would never have cheated.
I am sorry this happened to you, but you will be fie and better off without.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (8 June 2014):
You know, he is contacting ALL the people around you, but NOT you.
He hasn't really given you a good reason for the cheating (other then sort of blaming you - you two weren't having as much sex anymore... which to me is a pisspoor excuse and pointing the blame to you.)
He is sorry, I have no doubt. BUT not as sorry about hurting you.. as he is sorry about getting caught. My guess is he would NEVER have told you, if you hadn't snooped.
7 years is a LONG time for people your age. So if nothing else, you now have 7 years of experience. And I think you should let him make the next move if you want him back. HE needs to be the one to step up OWN his actions and ASK what he can do to help you rebuild trust.
IF you don't want to be with him that is OK too. Cheating is pretty demoralizing.
I would take some time to think this over. Figure out what YOU really want. Don't try dating others til you know WHAT you want.
Should you forgive him? You can. It might if nothing else make YOU feel better. Doesn't mean you ave to get back together with him.
A reason why he cheated could be (even if he hasn't admitted it) that he was looking for a way out. Maybe as much as he loves you, he isn't ready to be with one person from now on.
Ask your friends to not pass on any information to him. He ought to grow a set and actually talk to you.
No one here can tell you what to do about this. It's UP to you.
My suggestions though, is to take some time and be with friends and family and not worry about him for a bit, FIGURE out what YOU really want.
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