A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Started dating a guy in the army back in June, it was more casual than anything else. Then the last few months it got more serious and I could tell me was falling in love with me. When I first went to his place I asked him if he was married as there was something at his that made me think that. He denied it and I believed him. The more I went to his the more I thought he was married as I kept finding little things but they'd all add up. He's originally from Africa so went back home for 4 weeks over the Christmas period. He hardly spoke to me while he was gone which I didn't find that strange as I get he would be busy with family and work projects he has going on over there. And one time when he did speak to me he told me how much he missed me so I sent him a picture. He came back at the beginning of January. Then last week, as he slept I looked at his phone. I know that I shouldn't of done this but I was curious. I found texts to his wife, my heart dropped but I almost wasn't surprised. But I was heartbroken, I saw pictures of him and his wife whilst he was wearing his wedding ring. I left as he was sleeping. He text me when he woke up asking where I was. I replied saying I don't like being lied to. I told him I saw a picture of him with him wearing a wedding ring, he doesn't know that I went through his phone. Obviously, he denied being married. I am in love with this guy and I don't know what to do. He has lied to me since weeks in to our relationship. But he only sees his wife once a year. Does it make me a bad person if I still want to continue with our relationship, knowing full well that he is married? I don't think I am ready to call it a day. But what else has he lied to me about? I'm stuck and I don't know what to do. Please help
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (22 January 2015):
 does WANTING to continue to see him make you a bad person?
no it makes you human
does actually continuing to see him present other issues..
yes... I suggest if you WANT to continue being his little something something on the side with no shot in hell of ever being anything but used by this man that you seek out his wife and GET HER PERMISSION to service her husband while he's not with her.
If the wife is ok with it and you don't mind being her sloppy seconds then go for it.
A
female
reader, Midnight Shadow +, writes (22 January 2015):
 I agree with Honeypie and anonymous; to YOU, he is your boyfriend, but to HIM, you are his mistress.
It doesn't make you a bad person for WANTING to continue it, because you feel strongly about him, but ACTUALLY continuing it would be very wrong.
What if you were his wife and at some point down the line, his mistress found out about you and you hadn't known until 7 years and 3 kids later that your whole marriage was a lie?
Don't carry it on :/
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2015): I disagree with the below statement that "he is not your boyfriend, and you are just his mistress." To you he is your boyfriend. To be a 'mistress' requires awareness of having that place in the relationship as well as acceptance of that dynamic. Since he has never told you he is married, you went into this assuming this was the progression of a normal boyfriend girlfriend relationship. So he is definitely your boyfriend. So the problem is not that you are his 'mistress' because you are not. The problem is that he is leading a double life. He is a pathological liar. Therein lies the real issue here. And that is a major character flaw. That is even worse than the fact that he is married. Trust is the bedrock of any good relationship. But you cannot trust this person because all he does is lie. You've fallen in love with someone who is a false. Like an illusion, he doesn't exist. Maybe the sex is really good and that keeps you interested. But I foresee this ending really badly for you. A guy who lies to you does not love you. Men who lie to that extent are just using you. And it can really mess with your head because when you love somebody, you naturally want to believe what they say. But when his words do not match reality, it can start making you crazy. And really affect your emotional health. I really think for your own safety and well being you should forget him altogether. Men who lie pathologically do a lot of damage to those around them. It is not a road you want to go down. You owe it to yourself to seek a safer more wholesome dynamic in a relationship. You'll be a lot happier.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2015): "Does it make me a bad person if I still want to continue with our relationship, knowing full well that he is married?"
No, but in the eyes of some (including me) it makes you a person of questionable intelligence and dubious morality and low self-esteem.
"But what else has he lied to me about?"
No way of knowing, you can only assume everything he says is a lie until proven otherwise.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2015): Personally I would have sent a text to the wife while I was there but that is me. I would have done it in anger and hurt. He most likely has kids with his wife, or she could become pregnant from his visit since the norm is to have kids in thise countries, they dont stay childless for long particularly while married. I have been in this situation before, going out with someone who gave no indication that he was married and it is a slap in the face when you find something like this out for yourself. But you do deserve better, right now you have feelings for him and you dont want it to feel like it was a waste of your time. However the longer you waste with him the longer you are making yourself unavailable for the right relationship. Sorry and I wish you the best, you dont deserve this
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (21 January 2015):
 He isn't your BF. YOU are HIS mistress. THAT simple. A married person can't REALLY have a BF/GF as they are ALREADY attached (aka married).
His marriage could be a "sham" with NO sex and no emotions, YET he is STILL MARRIED.
He lied about it. THAT for me is a HUGE thing. HE knew that IF he told you the truth you MIGHT not have stayed, he might NOT have been able to REEL you in. MIGHT not be able to bed you and get the "GF-experience with you".
Now you KNOW the truth and you STILL want to be his "thing on the side" ? You have NO care for the wife in the picture?
You have ABSOLUTELY no future with him. WHAT so ever, you DO realize that? He can't GIVE you any REAL commitment. He can't EVEN promise to be faithful, because.. well HE IS MARRIED!.
How can you say you LOVE this guy when you BARELY know him? Because YOU can't trust him (obviously) and you don't REALLY know him. I think this guy is VERY good at compartmentalizing his life. When he is home he is happily married, when he is overseas he is "single" and live the single life. I mean, he DIDN'T EVEN call you more then ONCE in the 4 weeks he was home. Does that seem like a guy who TRULY loves you?
How does it matter how often he sees his wife? How does THAT make it OK for you to continue seeing him? Because she is tucked away in Africa? I'm sorry, you are selfish and SO is he.
When you start to question him (and I think you will) he might dump you for someone "less" demanding. He has no commitment to you. He is JUST using you for comfort while AWAY from home.
WHY on EARTH are you settling for some other woman's SLOPPY seconds? Someone who CAN NOT really BE yours. You can't go met his family, his friends from back home, you can't celebrate the holidays where he goes HOME to visit. And when he DOES go home, YOU are but an afterthought.
Seriously, wake up and WANT more for yourself.
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