A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Dear Cupid,I have been dating a guy for 2 1/2 years. He is older than me (I am 35 and he is 53), and when we started seeing each other he said he had been single for awhile. He has a house that is in disrepair, and approaching hoarder status. I realize this is because he is always on the go with work and he volunteers with a firehouse, but before I saw the house he talked a lot about moving in together, and he talked about marriage. He told me he had been married before, and he has a son who is 28. I have never met his son. He goes up every Saturday, an hour drive to have breakfast with his son. I thought it odd he never invited me. I had asked him before if I would ever meet his son and he said yes. I was upset that it's been over 2 years and I didn't meet his son. I asked him if his son knew if I even existed, and he said yes...Turns out he has been lying to me. He went to his son's wedding without me. He stated he was afraid his ex would ruin his son's day if I was there. I looked her up on Facebook and it turns out he's still married. They live at separated residences, but they are still married. So he lied to me about marriage, about his son, and he's been stringing me along, talking to me about us getting married and moving in together.I confronted him, in May. I told him he needs to get his life together. Get divorced and work on his house, and I want to meet his son. So he met with a lawyer once, but hasn't moved any further, I haven't met his son, and his house is still a mess.It's July now. And I worry that because I have let him have a key back (he spends almost every night at my place, except the 1 night a week he works), and let him back into my life and bed that he thinks he doesn't have to work on fixing this. I feel strung along, and I hate being lied to. And he told me he doesn't think he wants anymore kids because of his agr. And I'd like to have kids. This isn't necessarily a deal breaker but it's just one more worry to add to the equation. He does treat me well and is very affectionate and caring, but I find myself frustrated and crying many days. What should I do and am I wrong to want someone who can give me a marriage and kids even if I do love my boyfriend, I worry he may never fit that description.
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female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (19 July 2016):
 I will put it in one simple question: if you want children, would you like their father to be someone who lies about massive things? That would be one hell of a poor sperm donor choice.
Leave, OP - you know it's your best bet or your childbearing years will pass you by because you gave in to a liar.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (17 July 2016):
 You are a very accomodating, forgiving lady ! In fact, you give a Whole new definition to these two adjectives.
Pardon me ?... This is not some little White lie, this was a whale of a lie which would have been an instant delabreaker for most woemen, I think.
He told you he was single since a while- and he is still married, since , like what ? the last 30 years ? since his son his 28...
They may very well have separate residences, but divorce is not in the cards in any foreseeable future. Why do you think you have been kept a secret to his son ?.. A groen up, married son... is someone who can understand certain things, not an hypersensitive teenager- he is an adult who in fact may be relieved and happy that his father has found a new ,loving companion, a new lease on life, the chance to not live his golden years alone...
The fact the this son has never even been told about you, leave alone met you, suggest me tht ... this is because he would promptly tell his mom, and, for some reason, mom is not supposed to know what her husband is up to in his separate residence...
He IS stringing you along, he IS telling you what you want to hear, he is making a fool of you. Why shouldn't he ? YOu made it so danm easy for him ! After finding out , and swallowing, that whale of a lie... you pout a little but then promptly take him back into your life, house and bed. Without first having him put his money where his mouth is ( tidying up hosue, introducing you to son, filing for divorce ).
Actually, I wonder why he even went through the moves of consulting a divorce lawyer once- just for the histrionics of it , I guess, since he knows that he does not need to do anything to make you stay- you just stay. You wring your hands , " worry ", but stay.
Stop " worrying " and start running. Stp " worrying " and start living your life, not a lie.
It's not wrong at all that you want someone who can give you marriage and kids, it's a totally legitimate, normal aspiration. Only, this guy is not the one you can have these things with.
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A
female
reader, miss frank +, writes (17 July 2016):
Chaigirls excellent paragraph, so eloquently put...that really says it all OP. You know what you want, you know what you can give to a guy, this isn't the guy who deserves it. Go find the one who does! Good luck
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (16 July 2016):
 OP: This guy has everything that any red-blooded American guy would want.... a wife from whom he hasn't split, a son, and a sweetie (you!) who will make excuses for all his obvious shenanigans....
The ONLY person who can change your lot, is YOU!!! And you - apparently - will only change things when they become sufficiently egregious that you can't deny them, or make excuses for them...
I believe you'll be best off splitting from this creature sooner rather than later......
Good luck...
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 July 2016): "I worry that because I have let him have a key back (he spends almost every night at my place, except the 1 night a week he works), and let him back into my life and bed that he thinks he doesn't have to work on fixing this."
Your worries are well-founded. That's EXACTLY what he thinks, and you've given him no reason to believe otherwise.
"I feel strung along, and I hate being lied to."
Then why do you continue to put up with it?
"What should I do . . ."
You should accept the harsh reality that you are nothing more than his mistress so he is never going to divorce his wife for you because you're already giving him everything he wants, but he will continue to tell you anything you want to hear (while being careful to avoid making any promises to which he can be held) in order to keep stringing you along for as long as you're willing to let him, which would appear to be indefinitely.
" . . . am I wrong to want someone who can give me a marriage and kids"
No, you're wrong to think that he will be that guy if you wait long enough.
"I worry he may never fit that description."
Again, your worries are well-founded. He won't, and the sooner you realize that inconvenient truth the better off you'll be in the long run.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (16 July 2016):
 He treats you like a mistress, not a GF.
And you ARE a "sort of mistress" till the day that divorce is final.
I think his lies are huge and I would not be as forgiving as you have been.
NOT inviting you to his son's wedding, well I understand that since he never introduced you to the son or the not-so-soon-to-be ex wife. He keeps you SEPARATE from his family and his life.
He stays at your house because his own is disgusting. No matter how much you are on the road, it's not hard to take the time to not let your junk build up in an almost horder house.
Mt guess is? You pick up after him, you clean up, you cook and all those things his ex-wife did and that is probably who his house is a mess... he can't be bothered. So WHEN (or if) you two actually moves in together EXPECT him to not lift a finger. Woman's work... you know?
Personally? I'd tell him to give back the key and be on his way. That you care for him deeply but you are not interested in being his mistress or dirty little secret. That when he is finally divorced to contact you, maybe you are still available... maybe you are not.
YOU need to stick to your standards, and so far you haven't. You have "let him" get away with making you the mistress not equal partner. Seems like YOU have made ALL the "compromises" he has made none.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (16 July 2016):
 so the lying is not a deal breaker?
the lack of trust is not a deal breaker?
i can tell you that he will never want a child and he's not going to divorce his wife
you are wasting your time with this man if you want marriage and children.
he's getting what he wants..he has a key
change the locks and cut him off till he gives you proof (court papers) of his divorce.
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A
female
reader, BetteCliq +, writes (16 July 2016):
It's sounds like a complicated set-up. Do you really want that because it sounds like you probably deserve to be treated better.
If someone has lied to you once then they will lie to you again. You shouldn't be frustrated and crying. Your life should be happy and positive with people in it who are gong to contribute towards that. If someone ignores your request, let alone tries to make a compromise to meet in the middle then it doesn't sound like they have much respect for you.mthats not right.
Do you really see a future with this person?
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (16 July 2016):
 He lied some pretty big lies. I am afraid, there is no twisting this into something that will work. You're just taking long to realize it, because you had so many hopes and dreams for him and you. And it takes time to realize those dreams will never happen.
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A
male
reader, Garbo +, writes (16 July 2016):
 A relative of mine is in a similar situation: she married a much older guy and after having kids, she found out that he was married twice before but, like your guy, lied claiming he was never married. Her marriage is a total disaster, she is miserable but due to finances and children, stuck in this situation. She wasted 12 years of her life on a liar.
So don't let that happen to you. You only got 2.5 years and you are lucky that you found out about the lies before you got yourself captured maternally and financially. My advice is to break this up ASAP because I see the mental and emotional misery my relative is in.
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