A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I met my girlfriend over a year ago and found out that cheated on me 11 months in I only found out because I saw her chat log on her computer there was only one and it basically said she preformed a sex act on him.I looked further back and found that she did not think we were going to last much longer so and she was speaking to her 2 guys she knew from university about meeting up for sex basically, (she never did meet these people as I would have known as they live in different parts of the county) so to me this sounded like she was going to finish with me but wanted someone else to go to first..I was oblivious about it and she was very loving to me although we did argue over smallest of things, which she seemed to start in my eyes... She was constantly saying she wanted to marry me but I did say it’s too soon and wanted to sort everything else out first. She moved in and a few weeks later I found the chat log and confronted her the same day.When I confronted her I only let one about the chat log about her performing a sex act on a guy. She denied it first but I showed her the log and then she admitted it. She said she was sorry and she did not know why, she went on to say that things were not going well at the time and she thought we were going to finish. But after our holiday she realised exactly how much she loved me etc. she said it only happened the once. And they hardly spoke afterwards. I decided to try and work on the relationship and see if it can be savedSince she moved in things have been great between us and I am in love with her, I even proposed and she accepted. The problem I have is I still keep thinking about what she did. I want to talk about it more but every time I bring it up she gets very upset. I managed to get into her other chat logs and found out exactly when they first met and basically when this happened, but the thing that upsets me is she said after the holiday she realised how much she loved me. But the day after the holiday she was chatting to him again. But this is online, I’m sure they would have texted a lot more. I believe this was going on until I found out It has been about 2 months it happened and about 1 month since I found out. The question is. Should I bring up the past again or just try and move on. I said that we will put it behind us and not bring it up again. Things are great at the moment and I believe she has not spoken to him since I found out so I’m sure it is over. And she is totally dedicated to me more than ever before. When I think about what benefits will come from bringing it up again, I just don’t know if it’s worth it as it is in the past and things are so good now..?Thanks form any advise
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cheated on me, move on, moved in, text, university Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks for the replies
i think i'm going to leave things as they are for now and watch things carefully, i'll just keep checking up on her every now and again until i trust her again. if i ever do.
i feel abit better after the other night, she was on msn the day before and she was talking to one of the lads she was going to meet a month ago.
she basically says that she would like to meet up for a drink for old times sake, but will not sleep with him, he did not seem to happy and try and push the issue but she said she is not interested in that anymore and that she can be alot of fun without sex being involved.
she only gets one chance, if she messes up then it will be over completly no second chances, we are going to have a 2yr engagement so by then i should know one way or another
i do love her alot and want things to work and i don't think anything will really be gained by bringing up something that was in the end just chatting. although there was intent to do it... i can't change what happened and the new chat logs show that she has no intention to do it anymore.
just thought i give an update and to say thanks for the advice
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2007): my motto "once a cheat - always a cheat" a person who honestly loves you will not cheat on you
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (16 October 2007):
 Poster, you don't need to apologize for the long post. We know it takes long to explain what a person feels.
You have raised a very good question yourself. How can this girl pass from a) "knowing the relationship would be over soon anyways, and, therefore, trying to find someone else" to b) "being totally in love with you". I find it hard to believe such a move is possible.
You will never know the answers to the questions you have, because she will never give them to you. I think this is a very unstable foundation for a love relationship. Why would she need to hide anything? Why does she accept only what she knows you already know anyways?
You say you don't want to spoil the moment. In this particular regard, I have to say that it wasn't you who spoiled anything. It was her. And your asking questions and wanting reassurance is not "spoiling". It seems to me that you're afraid to ask because a) either she won't answer, and she'll go away or b) you might not like what you find out. This is a sign that the relationship is in a very bad level. You don't feel you can ask what you need to know, and she doesn't want to tell you but what you already know.
If I were you, I would have a very hard time trusting her again. Maybe I would never be able to.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks for the replies they are very helpfull.
to clear things up a bit
basically the 3 people were all known to her in her past.
and when she joined the website facebook.com she got talking to them again.
2 of them lived over 100 miles away and the one she did meet up and cheat on me with lived in the same town.
i guess what my problem is i still think i have un-answered questions.
i do beleive she would never do anything to hurt me again or shall i say i want to beleive. i don't fully trust her yet and not sure if i ever will.
what i can't get my head around is how can someone change from wanting to finish and activley cheating on me to being totally in love with me and wanting to marry me. within a month. and if it was truly a mistake why would she still be talking to him afterwards. so i don't think she regretted it as such, the only thing she regretted was being caught. maybe he ended it so i'm the fall back. when i asked her about if she seen him she said only the once and then just spoke via text and internet and it fizzeled out. the proof i have comfirms this point, but she could have been deleting her text messages etc.
i beleive i want to spend my life with her still but i know it will never be as pure as it could have been, if that make sense.
i also beleive she has told me the truth about what i have asked in the past, but has not volenteered anything else, just what she thinks i know already, i do want her to be totally honest with me and keep nothing back and she has not done this yet. she must think i'll never find out about the other logs.
if i bring it up it will be obvious that i have been into her chat logs and she will change her passwords so i will lose my one advantage.
just not sure what to do, things at the moment are the best there have ever been. and i don't want to spoil it.
but i'm constantly got these things on my mind.
sorry for the long post
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A
male
reader, Tommy7  +, writes (15 October 2007):
You need to leave the past where it is and go forward. If she's treating you right now, drop the thinking about old computer records. You should keep a sharp eye open and go slow on the marriage thing.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (15 October 2007):
I think it would be good if I gave an opinion on the summary of your relationship that you have brought up. Maybe it would help yo to make up your mind whether you stay with her or not.
If I get you right, you met this girl 11 months ago. She cheated on you two months ago, and you have proof of it. You found out about her cheating one month ago, and she denied it at first, but then she accepted it. She said she cheated only once, before your holidays, because she has found out how much she loves you. She has moved in with you, and everything seems just fine, but you have proof that she spoke to the man she cheated on you with at least once, after the holidays. She also accepted that she texted two guys, for sex purposes only. I'm not sure whether one of these two was the man she actually had sex with. Her reason for contacting these two guys, and, I assume, for her cheating, was that she thought you would be over soon anyways.
You need to bear in mind that we agony aunts and uncles do not really know the details of the situations we give an opinion about. Also, we can have our own biases, and we give an opinion on what we see on the screen, which sometimes is an inaccurate summary of the actual events. So, take my words with caution; they are just an opinion.
If I were in your shoes, I would also feel unsure about this girl. I don't think her cheating was justified. If she thought you were going to break up anyways, then she should have broken up before cheating. Then, I would perhaps understand having sex with one man, once; but she was trying to reach two guys, at the same time, both for sex. Her story doesn't hold, then. The fact that she didn't have sex with the two guys, only with one, is irrelevant for you: she TRIED to have sex with the two. This is what matters.
Then, I understand her behavior, but, she denied her cheating when you confronted her about it. She only accepted it when you showed you had proof of it. In my mind, this means that she will accept only what she needs to accept; she might not tell you all of the truth, or then she might, but you will never be sure of it. She's not the kind of person who will spill all the beans at once. Which would be very important for her to do if she wants to restore your trust. You need to know where you stand, and she isn't helping.
She says she hardly spoke to the man she had sex with. Yep, that might be true. But, I would need her not to talk to that man at all. The only words she should have exchanged with him, if she were true to you, are "We're over, forget about me, I love my man". This doesn't seem to be the case here.
We all make mistakes, and we all make bad things sometimes. That doesn't mean we are evil. We're simply human. There are obviously issues between you two. The problem is how she has handled them. She won't discuss issues. When she thought you were going to be over anyways, apparently she didn't try to save the relationship; instead, she tried to find another man. Her mind about the relationship ending was already made.
You don't mention you had a clue about the problems in the relationship. You should. But, apparently you were unaware anything was going wrong. I believe that you don't really care about her cheating anymore, but, instead, your real doubt is whether she is not telling you something you should know. And I think you have a good basis for this.
Her unwillingness to discuss her cheating is understandable. Maybe she sees it as an attempt of yours to throw that in her face, and, if this is the case, she is right about it. But, is she open to discuss other issues? Is she straightforward about the rest of the relationship?
I don't have her by my side, so I'm not sure how I would act if I were you. I think you should think a lot about your relationship, and try to determine whether you feel you can trust her or not. Attention: I'm not saying "whether she is trustworthy", which she might well be; I'm saying "whether YOU can trust her". If you can't, don't even try to be with her. Whatever she does, you will not trust her.
Take care.
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