A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:This is unbelievable.There is a girl I’ve been friends with since we were two years old, and we are now 24.I recently found a video of her on a porn site (one of my friends who met her at a party sent me a link saying it looked like her). It 100% is her.The guy in it isn’t visible but it looks like a couples sex tape.I’m 99.9% sure she won’t know it’s on the site. This is so awful for her and it must be an ex that posted it.Obviously I haven’t told anyone, but should I tell her? If it was me I think I would rather find out from a close friend, or should I just leave it?
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male
reader, GRIFF TANNEN  +, writes (17 January 2018):
 In all honesty why should you even really care?
This type of stuff will almost always end up on a porn site somewhere, one way or another. People filming their own sexcapades normally should know this.
Mind you plenty of girls want to flaunt their sexy asses and get it online. The internet is saturated with homemade porn.
Go ahead and tell her. She probably already knows. She might even be proud of her performance.
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (10 January 2018):
 If this was me in your shoes then yes I would have to tell her. Not many people talk much about their sex lives at your age so she might no it is there but if she doesn't then she needs to be told. No judgement should come from you, be a friend and tell her how you found it. Ask her does she need help with anything and make sure you tell her she can talk to you about anything and trust you not to spread it around as gossip.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (9 January 2018):
 If she was a really good friend of mine, there would be NO WAY IN HELL I'd pretend to be anonymous and spoof an email to inform her. I wouldn't judge anyone who wanted to handle it that way, but if it were me, I'd get together with her in person, bring my laptop, and show her the link myself.
The reason I'd do it that way is threefold:
1. I can tell her where I found it, how I found it (including who told me about it if they didn't request anonymity themselves if my friend wanted to know), and how much of the video I'd seen. In a close friend's case, I would ONLY watch *just* enough to identify her and then shut it down out of respect for her modesty. If it was, in fact, her, she'd know instantaneously who the partner would be).
2. I would be there for her as she processed the emotions of being violated online by someone posting that without her permission (Assuming that was the case and it wasn't something she posted for money or something voluntarily). I would HATE to see if she were to react destructively (especially self-destructively!) upon seeing it. I would care enough to be there for her in whatever way she needed me.
3. I'd offer to help track down and deal with whoever did this to her, including setting up cease-and-desist letters (my lawyer is really good at those!) to get the video removed from any site it was on or mirroring to the best of my ability. Being a good friend means not only emotional support (see #2), but having her back as well.
If I had a friend since we were 2, I'd tell her myself AND then see it through if she wanted me to.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (9 January 2018):
 Email the link to her from a new, random-named email address, with a short message explaining that you "found a video of her on a porn site and you wanted her to know, in case she didn't want it on there". She needs to know, so she can do something about it, if she doesn't know it's there.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (9 January 2018):
 How close are you as friends? The question is worded as "best friends" but you say that you're friends and have known each other a long time. There's a difference between the two.
Either way, telling her face to face will not be easy. As Honeypie suggested, how about an anonymous email with the link to the video? You're saved from the awkward as hell conversation but she gets the message. That seems to be the best option as of now
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (9 January 2018):
 Honestly? this is a hard one.
You can either create an anonymous e-mail account and send her the link. (to the porn)
Why? Because if you tell her she might feel absolutely uncomfortable that you KNOW and have SEEN this.
OR you can call her and say, hey can we talk? I have something I want to tell you and I don't WANT you to feel bad about it. Then tell her about the video. Your call. All depends on how tight you two are.
You can also send/text these links to her as well, after you have the conversation
https://www.localsolicitors.com/criminal-guides/revenge-porn-laws-in-the-uk
https://www.gov.uk/government/news/new-law-to-tackle-revenge-porn
YOU should DEFINITELY not leave it be.
I mean, think about it, WHAT if it was YOU? Wouldn't you want a friend to tell you, to your face or anonymously?
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A
male
reader, TylerSage +, writes (9 January 2018):
 Well, you wouldn't be much of a friend if you just left it would you?
If you tell her, and I'm assuming she doesn't want it there, she can now take steps to try and get it taken down or at least get a fighting chance too. If this proves futile at least she now knows before everyone else so she can prepare herself.
Stuff like this can spread like wild fire, the sooner she knows whats going on the better she can defend herself.
Also try and have that friend of yours who sent you the link to keep quiet about this. Hopefully she won't go telling the world.
All the best
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