A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I am very confused and in need of advice . I hv been a commuted relationship for three years. I just found out I was pregnant , not sure how my birth control failed , I use depo shot. Anyways I told my boyfriend I was pregnant and he freaked out . Demanded I get an abortion . Told me he won't be around to help . Called me a breeding rat . ( this is the first time my birth control has failed in 19 years . ) kept saying why is this happening to me . This type of behavior went on for several hours .Never once asking me if I was ok what I wanted to do .I am having it . A friend said let him cool off and he will turn around. It not like a baby would be a finacial burden on either of us . We both hv homes and savings . Just not sure what to do , please help!
View related questions:
abortion Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIt is quite shocking I got pregnant at all due to my age and the fact I use depo shot , which I get every 2.5 to 3 months. The ones who said he has no choice in the matter ... He does he can always walk away a live a life free of parental responsiblity . I am choosing to take on that . I already have grown children so I know full well what I am in for .
I do believe he does love me . He has sent me several texts over the last few days and that is all the say .
I know he is scared but so am I . If he chooses to be father is up to him .
Nothing is being forced on him .
A
female
reader, chloebabeechick +, writes (13 December 2010):
 For those who are implying with their statements "that everyone has a right to decide not to be a parent" that somehow he should have equal say on whether she terminates the pregnancy, way to dissolve this man's onus and responsibility. This is a grown man, he wasn't born yesterday. He knows what can happen with unprotected sex. And he knows that if he impregnates someone, wheether or not they choose to terminate is their choice solely. You can argue the fairness of this all you want, but this is something he is well aware of, and still didn't take his reproductive destiny in his own hands. He has no excuses, he knows the way the world works, he is far older than myself.
...............................
A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (13 December 2010):
 One little good spark is he says he loves you. Hope he means it. Some men who claim to not want to be a parent become the most besotted parent. Do not allow him to make you feel bad.
His ex sounds like a very hard woman.
If he really did not want to be a Dad he would have got a vasectomy years ago.
It's his sperm that got you pregnant, nothing else.
Getting pregnant is much harder after 35, and even harder every year after that. Expecting to easily get pregnant after 42 is almost a miracle, without fertility
treatment.
Cherish your miracle.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for the advice. We had discussed children but in the future .
I had even told him at one point I probally would hv a difficult time getting pregnant. He said to me If it is meant to be it will just happen birth control or not.
I spoke with him before he told me his ex had had 4 abortions " they never bothered her she would annouced to me I'm pregnant but I'm getti h an abortion" I told him that was horrible this is something I take very serious.
I hv told him to act like an adult . To this he tolde insults won't help the situation .
I understand the fear , I am terrified . I hv gave him an out told him to go now and don't look back . All he replies is I can't make that choice now I love you.
I am try to make this as easy as I can :(
...............................
A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (13 December 2010):
It never ceases to amaze me how some men are happy to have sex without a condom, then suddenly have a meltdown when a woman eventually says that she's pregnant. Even worse, this is the first time your birth control has failed and he's giving you the Spanish Inquisition.
Anyway, basically it's clear that the man you thought love you, doesn't love you. So determined was he to prove it, that he has reduced himself to pathetic emotional blackmail and worthless threats. What a loser.
My advice is that you keep the baby, which will bring you more happiness that this man ever could after how he has behaved. And also get a decent lawyer and make sure he pays for it.
Men always show who they really are during times of crisis. Real men get on with it. Worthless men act like your boyfriend. Keep the baby, and dump the man.
...............................
A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (13 December 2010):
 Well first of all, your boyfriend had no right to call you names like that, it was a very nasty thing to do when you did not do this intentionally. But I guess he will have just been very shocked, angry and scared.
Have you ever spoke about children before? It sounds to me like he does not want the child - and you cannot be angry with him for expressing his opinion. Yes he was not very tactful and could have dealt with it far better - but at the end of the day this baby is 50% his, just as much as it is 50% yours therefore he has every right to express how he feels about the situation.
It is incredibly hard when a woman gets pregnant for the man if he does not want the baby, because he knows he cannot really have any say in this situation. It is your body so he does not get to have a say - you technically can do what you want and he has to live with your choice, whether he wants it or not.
So here is how I see it - you want the baby, he does not. Regardless of finances, homes etc - he does not want the child and that is perfectly ok for him to feel that way. Imagine if you did not want a child then someone came up to you and told you that you were having a baby whether you liked it or not, and that against your will your life was going to change forever? I'm sure you would not be happy either!
I think that you have no right to change somebody's life against their will - so if you want to keep the child then that is your choice, but dont expect him to have anything to do with it. You are making the decision to keep it knowing he does not want it - therefore he doesnt have to be involved. You would not buy a house without taking into consideration your partner's feelings, and then just tell him "you are living here whether you like it or not" would you? I know a baby is not quite the same but in a way it is sort of similar. You cannot make life changing decisions alone and then expect the other person to suck it up and be happy about it.
Now I am not saying get rid of the child - if you want to keep it then you have every right to do so and I wish you the best. But do not expect your partner to ever support this decision or be happy about it - you are forcing him into something he does not want and he has every right to be angry and upset. So you just need to take on board that you are doing this ALONE, you do not have the support of your partner therefore you have taken the decision to be a single parent. So be prepared for this, dont expect anything more than the bare minimum financial contribution from your partner because that is all he HAS to do.
In terms of what to do - there is not a lot you can do. As I have said, you have made this choice on your own and therefore you now have to prepare yourself to be a single mother because that was the choice you made. Your partner does not want this baby and chances are he will resent you for the rest of your life for forcing this upon him. So accept that this is NOT what he wants, and get ready to bring up this baby on your own.
I hope this helps and good luck!
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2010): Maybe he just doesnt want to be a father. No one should be forced to be a parent against their will. If he doesn't want to have the child and abortion is an option why shouldn't he chose that if he wants to? It is as much his right to decide against parenthood as it is your right.
...............................
A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (13 December 2010):
Congratulations, this will change your life. And bring you amazing joy. Think of this as a 'meant to be moment'.
The first time you hold baby or smell the beautiful smell of the skin is incredible. Take it easy and ensure you get the things you need to feel comfortable and properly cared for.
Your man needs to accept the reality. Does he have a close relative he respects who can talk some sense into him? His knee jerk reaction was appalling.
You do not need to be upset nor disrespected.And it is time for your man to support you.
Now is the time to look after you. You need lots of support, consideration. You don't need a selfish partner, so I hope he 'grows up' in time for baby's birth. As a Mum over 35 Dr is likely to want to monitor you more often. And suggest Folic acid (very important) supplement at rate Dr decides. Extra iron and calcium, too, because baby draws on you to grow.
Lots fresh fruit and vegs for you and baby. My only craving the first time was fresh apples which made my Dr v happy!
If your baby's Dad is going to freak out in this irresponsible way you may be looking at a DNA test later to prove paternity, so he is up for providing financial support (as he should) for his child.
Lots of planning for you. I can recommend a safe table height changing table. I stupidly said i could 'do without it' the first time - big mistake. Baby has to be changed many many times a day. If you have to bend down too low, to change baby every day multiple times, for 2 years+ it becomes back breaking.
Get your self booked into the BEST antenatal care. Start choosing the Doctor you feel best about to care for you and
baby's need.
I shall look out for your followups on
how things are going for you and baby over the coming months. Best Wishes.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2010): Oh dear, it makes me angry that your boyfriend called you a "breeding rat," making this problem solely yours, as if he had nothing to do with it.
It certainly wasn't your fault that your birth control failed. Maybe you should talk about this with a doctor. Besides, if your boyfriend wanted to be extremely safe he would have used a condom. Birth control is not completely fool-proof, I hope your bf knows that!
It's okay for you to keep the baby, but it is not okay if your boyfriend insists that you get an abortion, or does not support your decision to have the baby. Tell him to behave like a grown-up so that the both of you can have a proper discussion about this without him calling you names.
If he insists on his way and doesn't want to hear you out, I honestly think you should just dump him. What kind of a boyfriend calls his girlfriend a breeding rat? It's mean and immature.
I wish you luck with this!
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2010): I went through the exact same thing, except I had a tubal pregnancy and a regular pregnancy. It turned out that for some reason I was releasing eggs multiples at a time and I had norplant and it stopped working 4 years into it instead of five. And I went on birth control pills and for some reason, I ended up pregnant. He said the same thing to me and I called him every name in the book (plus I found out he had been cheating for 4 months so that exacerbated the name calling) but he was saying stuff like that as well. Then he went through he want to be a parent, but I told him to go take a long walk off of a short pier. And haven't taken a phone call since. He is now living with his mistress and her 8 year old daughter (not his) I got the birth records sealed so he couldn't look her up. Your friend is right he will go through a few stages here.
The ball will be in your court, I guarantee it. So don't worry you will be able to choose how he is in yours and your child's life. And the funny thing is he doesn't get to decide how he is in your life. And he can leave but you can garnish his wages. I would at least protect yourself and get information such as family members, employment history, SS#, If he has a passport. Just to protect yourself just in case he bails. But you are a strong woman and you will come out like a pro. I wish you the best of luck and let me know how it goes.
...............................
A
female
reader, Mjfbla +, writes (13 December 2010):
 Well give him space then invite him over, explain that you are keeping it and that you dont need him to raise it, but his support would be great. If he is going to dump you and his child for this he doesnt deserve to be a dad and do you rily want that around ur child
...............................
|
