A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I've been going out with my boyfriend for 7 months now and we're really happy together, there's just one thing that upsets me. He's always texting his ex, and I know I shouldn't mind as everyone tells me she's his ex for a reason but it just really gets to me.And then the other day I went out clubbing with my bf and his ex was there in the group as well. I acted fine with her all night even though I really don't like her and then me, my bf and a couple of friends were in the taxi on the way home and my bf suddenly brings up that his ex had said I'd been death staring her all night (my friends agreed with me that I hadn't) but this really upset me as it's like she's trying to cause problems between me and my bf so she can get him back as he's told me himself that his ex has still got feelings for him.Anyway when we get back to my house my bf went to get changed and he'd left his phone on the side and it was still lit up as he had just text someone so I glanced at it and saw that it was a text to his ex saying that he was home and that he loved her!!! What am I supposed to think when he's been texting her the whole time we've been going out probably saying he loves her in all of them!!! (he's been deleting all his texts to and from her) I questioned him about it later on because I couldn't get it out of my mind and he said that he loves her as a friend. I understand that this could be true but it hurts me so much every time I think about it. I'm supposed to be the only girl in his heart and I know for a fact that he'd go skits if he saw any texts like that on my phone but he just thinks it's no big deal for him.What can I do??? Is it unreasonable to ask him to stop texting her all the time??? Please any advice would be grateful as its tearing me apart to think that he's been saying to another girl that he loves her! =(
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female
reader, hlskitten +, writes (14 February 2009):
 Honey this isn't normal! No he shouldn't be txting her all the time, and no its not good enough saying he loves her as a friend. This is his way of clearing the path for him to be able to tell her he loves her. I think you deserve a medal for keeping your cool! I dont know if I could of been so diplomatic, going out with her in the group.
I, and no one else will know why he is still hankering after her. But it sounds like he is. And to txt her after you get home telling her he loves her, seriously undermines you as his girlfriend!
I dont know you, but I would go as far as to say i'm sure you deserve better! It doesn't SOUND like he is completely over her and he probably needed more time after they split beore getting involved with someone new.
Exes can be a right pain. And it sounds like you've got involved with someone thats still entangled with theirs.
What you do about that, can only be decided by you.
Good luck
C xxxxxx
A
female
reader, sappygirl  +, writes (14 February 2009):
 You have every right to feel how your feeling. It is obvious that your bf is not over his ex. This is what you do...you don't talk to him about it. You leave him and you tell him,"when you can decide who is your girlfriend and that you really want to be with me let me know".He has crossed your boundries and you need to set him straight. If he comes back to you, your terms is that he no longer is in contact with his ex.If he can't do this,then you know he does not love you. and your relationship is doomed anyway. better to hurt now then later. Don't wait around for him to change his mind. he could be using you to get over her..or rebound.Basically, if he still loves her, he could never fully love you the way you deserve. so dump him.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2009): Hi there,The best thing is to tell him what happened and ask for an explanation. Dont tell him that you have been checking his text messages as he may not like that and may use it against you. You'll need to let him know that you are not comfortable with him keeping contact with his ex and that you will want him to stop. You can also ask that the ex speaks to you if she calls. Everything depends on how much you love him. If you dont want him leaving you for his ex, then you'll need to put your foot down and ask him not to continue phoning her.If he cant stop talking with her, then you may need to start looking for a new boyfriend
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A
female
reader, PinkWaterLily  +, writes (14 February 2009):
I'm not sure that I can answer your question, but I might be able to offer some insight. My ex-boyfriend and I split up last Fall, but have remained in contact since because we still loved one another very much, and thought that time apart would help us heal and give us a chance to rebuild in the future. He still loves me, and I still love him, but lately he seems to insist that our relationship is too troubled for him to want to get back together with me. He'd like to be with me, but we can't seem to break a cycle of mis-communication, confusion and sadness. He says that he loves me as a friend and is not sure when he "fell out of love with me", but the conflict that keeps resurfacing has soured those feelings.
I understand your pain and confusion. If my ex was seeing a girl and was happy and in love with her, then I would find it unfair to both her and myself if we kept in contact, because there is so much that has gone unresolved between us. You see, sometimes people get to a point where they realize that no matter how much they love another person, it can't work unless both people really concentrate on resolving their issues and allow the past residual pain to heal. This is no easy feat, so many people feel they can't commit to a troubled relationship any longer and they move on to start anew with another person.
I think that your boyfriend wants to be with you, but he's struggling to get over his feelings for his ex-girlfriend. Instead of giving himself time to get over her, he's distracting himself with you. That's not fair to you. Love is hard enough to nurture and maintain in the best of circumstances, and it's best to start a relationship with someone who can be totally "there" with you in his heart.
I've been in your shoes before, and it really hurts. Your feelings and thoughts are completely understandable.
What I would advise you to do is to take some time to calmly examine how you feel about all of this, and what you want for yourself. No matter how much you hope that his feelings might change, that has to happen naturally. Decide if it's best to let go of this. It's good to begin a new relationship when you both people are completely and totally over their last relationship. That's the only way you'll ever have a fair shot at love together.
Wishing you all the best.
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (14 February 2009):
I really think he has to do something.
He's taking her side over yours, and even if he meant "love you" as a friendly thing... SURELY he is not stupid enough to think texting that to a girl who has feelings for him will not be leading her on.
He's not exactly doing ANYTHING to help her get over him, in fact he's still giving her hope that she has a chance.
Tell him that you don't think he's being fair on her or you and that he has to spend some time away from her to let her get over him and to reassure you that he isn't still in love with her.
Either that or just kick him out and tell him he should call you in a couple of weeks with an answer to the question "Her or Me?"
Good Luck!! xx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2009): Simple, dump him. you are better than that.
He is getting the best of both worlds i think. As the song say "Don't be reckless with other people's hearts and don't let them be with yours"
if he knows how much this hurts you then why would he do it? Surely he is aware of your feelings? then question you have to ask is when does it stop?
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A
male
reader, Dazzerg +, writes (14 February 2009):
 No your position is not unreasonable at all and it kind of pains me to say this on a day like today but the answers to all your questions lie right there in front of you. It is as plain as day that yes she was trying to cause trouble; that if he just loves her as a friend he would have nothing to hide.
However, him deleting the txts too and from says to me he clearly says to me yes he does have something to hide. This is not say he hasnt remained faithful which on balance he probably has; it's rather to say whether he is aware of it or not he's trying to conceal his true feelings. He is not over his last relationship and the feelings he had for her and it's now impacting his relationship with you; put simply he hasn't got closure on his feelings for his ex.
For yourself you need to be quite firm and insists it stops and even be prepared to push the issue to breaking point if necessary; hard though that is going to be because you obviously have strong feelings for him. This feeling wont go away now and while it was always a constant itch before it's now going to be much worse after you seeing this. What you can't do is insist he breaks all contact with his ex and choose his friends for him; what you can do is start insist he putting you first so it's not something he does constantly especially when you are around. The other responder is right in that if he wont do this you are going to have to consider dumping him. Sorry. Good luck :)x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2009): hi, going through the whole of the story what I feel is that you better talk about this to your bf and ask for an explanation and if he fails to give you a satisfying explanation then just dump such an idiot who is trying to sail two boats (cheating you and his ex). Just don't let him cheat you cause your a gal just go 4 it and question him as being with his ex you have the right.
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