A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have recently found in my bf's phone that he has a pic of a girl in her underwear and she is one of his contacts. seeing this really hurt me and i can't seem to get it out of my head. i checked the details and it was received a month ago and by the looks of things hasn't had anymore contact with her but still keeps the picture along with ones of me. I felt really betrayed and hurt by this but i'm not sure if or how i should bring it upto him as i dont want him to know i have looked at this phone as he would feel he couldn't trust me anymore but he is the one with the pic not me and i know if it was flipped around he would be pissed. i don't think outright confronting him about it would work or whether to subtly hint at it? I love him so much and he feels like the one and our relationship before i found this pic has been great no problems at all and i dont think there is any chance he is physically cheating as he spends most of his free time with me.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 July 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all your advice it has really helped :) We have been together for over 2 years now and i think now he knows how i feel on the subject and i think with his actions he shows that he still loves me and maybe knows he has done something wrong but still thinks i dont know about it. I will keep a watchful eye on matters but i think everything should be ok. One of my mates thinks i should look at his phone again soon and see if the pic is there or gone but i'm not sure whether i should or not?
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (13 July 2010):
 How long have you two been together? If this is a very new relationship it could be he is not used to following the "rules" of a relationship, but that the hint gave him the kick he needed to improve. People make mistakes and do things they originally don't believe to be wrong, later realizing that they shouldn't have. That all depends on how well you have laid out the rules and what each one of you will see as crossing the line. In a new relationship these boundaries are not yet worked out.
But, if you have been together for a longer period of time he should have already known you didn't like pictures like that on his phone, and especially not of girls in his contact list.....
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 July 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI couldn't bring myself to out right confront him on the issue so taking one of my dearest friends advice i made up a story about a mate of mines going through their bf's phone and finding the pics and saying how she felt hurtful and that i would feel the same and saw it as cheating emotionally if not physically and he said that maybe the guy just likes looking at naked girls which i thought maybe how he felt but to me there is a difference between porn and naked pics of girls you personally know or keep in contact with. I made sure he knew what my feelings were on the subject so he knows my opinion without outright confronting him about it as he just had surgery a couple of days ago and i don't want to confront him now. However once i had mentioned this too him and went up to see him he was very loving and affectionate saying how much he loved me and was lucky to have me etc so i got the feeling he was maybe trying to cover up a guilty conscience over the photo.
I have asked my two closest friends for their advice and they say to leave it the now and see how things go as he now knows my feelings on the matter and see where things go. I don't think he is physically cheating on me as we spend nearly all our free time together or out as a group with mates but seeing this still has shaken me but right now i'm trying not to jump to conclusions and become paranoid and to see what happens next. Do you think this is the right thing to do?
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (13 July 2010):
"If he get's mad that you are upset about the picture and he turn this around on you that you shouldn't have looked at his phone...you have your answer. He sees nothing wrong with his behavior, he is unempathetic to you being upset over the half naked girl being on his phone when the two of you have an explicit exclusive relationship"
I agree with what the anon poster has said here. If he turns this around to you and your "snooping" then he is denying that he himself has done anything wrong and is trying to shift the blame to get out of trouble. But you looking at his pictures without written permission does NOT give him the right to have flirty pictures of other girls on his phone. If these girls flirt with him, he should delete them from his contact list. Pronto. Unless he is hanging around with them for a back-up plan in case you and him break up? It is very rude anyway, and totally disrespectful to the relationship.
I still say you were only looking at his pictures for the fun of looking at pictures (snooping is something quite different, snooping is when you purposefully look around for "evidence" and do so often and not only look through pictures but through everything else...). And if he had nothing to hide then this would NOT have been an issue. Of course it would be nice to ask permission to look at his photoes, but as you thought you knew what was on there already it is natural to assume you could just have a look. This isn't some strangers phone after all, it is your boyfriends phone with you guys' holiday pictures...
Nopes, confront him. If he flips around and starts to accuse you of snooping and violating his privacy you know where he stands.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 July 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all your advice I am still very confused about what to do though. I didn't have permission to snoop around on his phone but as he left it with me I get the thought that he see's this as no big deal as if he had something to hide surely he wouldn't give me his phone or have covered his tracks by deleting the picture and I was just looking for our holiday pics he had taken to copy them onto my phone so i have a copy too and ended up finding a lot more. however anytime we are in the house together his phone is on or near him all the time and when he leaves the room he takes it with him. I know I was in the wrong for doing it and regret it now but i came across something that is really hurtful to me. I just want to know why its there and how he got it and what is going on as this has got me worrying about how he talks to girls on his phone/computer if he is sending the message it is alright for him to get these types of pics. I know if it was him that found those kind of pics of guys on my phone he would be going mental at me.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 July 2010): You know what I am a firm believer that a person who has nothing to hide, hides nothing, and he should not take great offense that you looked at his phone when he left it there.
I think it is a problem that he keeps her picture on his phone, I doubt he forgot as your pictures are on there as well. If he get's mad that you are upset about the picture and he turn this around on you that you shouldn't have looked at his phone...you have your answer. He sees nothing wrong with his behavior, he is unempathetic to you being upset over the half naked girl being on his phone when the two of you have an explicit exclusive relationship, and he may have wanted to get caught to cause a fight to intiate a time out or break up so that he can go screw around, give you time to take responsibility for the snoop and apologize for finding out about the picture and then accepting him back into a steady relationship.
This is the oldest player move in the book. Get rid of him, call him out, and slam the phone down and lock the door.
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male
reader, 11muds11  +, writes (13 July 2010):
It's very normal for a guy to get pics like this. I know many girls who love teasing guys who are in in serious relationships.
But it was really stupid of him not to erase this from his phone. He should know better.
If you can't let it go, I would approach him and tell him you're really sorry you saw that. You know you should ask to go through his pictures, but it's really bothering you that it was on there. He's not going to be happy about it. But if it's hurting you, it's a good idea to do it. Good luck.
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female
reader, chigirl +, writes (12 July 2010):
Has he ever told you to never look at his phone? If he left it around and you have an open and honest relationship, you checking out pics on his phone shouldn't be an issue. I don't condone snooping, but I could see myself checking out my bf's phone just out of curiosity about his pictures. Like checking out the pictures on someone else's camera of photo album. So why not confront him about it? Did you snoop looking for evidence of him cheating, or were you just casually looking at his pictures? Privacy in a relationship is a given, but no secrets should be kept either....
As for him not trusting YOU after he finds out you've looked at the pictures.. what about your trust for him?? Do you even trust him after this? I think step one is for you to make up your mind about how you feel about this. Then prepare a battle strategy based on how you feel about the pictures. If you feel you can't trust this man, perhaps you wont have to say a thing and just walk out on him. After all, you don't deserve that kind of disrespect.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 July 2010): Maybe like other guys, he just likes to look at pretty girls.
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male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (12 July 2010):
This demands more than a subtle hint. He has a picture of a naked girl on his phone, and it's a contact, not just porn or something. I do think you need to talk to him about it. It's too late to worry about him not trusting you, as perhaps you can't trust him. You need to talk to him about it.
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