A
female
age
51-59,
*illiemolliemandy
writes:Hi I found a phone my husband had a few months ago he had been texting a woman for 4 years !! It was someone he had known 35 years ago and been out with a few times before he met me . He states that he thought they had slept together 35 years ago but can not remember it at all so now thinks he couldn't have . You might think it's nothing to do with me as he wasn't with me but he contacted her 4 years ago and was looking for something not sure what . They never met in the last 4 years but text numerous times a day telling each other how much they loved each other etc etc . I do know he loves me and is extremely sorry but I'm finding it very difficult to get past it and out of my head . The last 4 years I have to be honest have been hell he was so horrible to me and treated me so badly I do t know how I stayed to be honest I just don't know what to do
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male
reader, Riot2017  +, writes (28 July 2017):
Sounds to me that he does not loves you and emotionally cheated you.
If he treats you badly for no reason, it could mean it's time for you to move on.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2017): Yes he's scared to be on his own. Don't feel sorry for him about that, that's exactly what he'll want you to feel (because he is so manipulative) - instead - feel the disgust you have for a man who treats women and especially you, his wife, so "badly".
This person is treating you like a doormat, and he's just stood in shit.
Yuk!
do you really want to be smothered in all of his shite?
Good luck.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2017): Dear me. Your sorry excuse of a husband can't remember if he had sex with a woman he sneakily, behind your back, tells he Loves by texts? I'll bet you that's not all. He's a disgusting, disgraceful liar. he shall pay a huge price for lying to you, his wife of 35 years. Are you really going to let him treat you like this anymore? You know he's horrific. SAVE YOURSELF!One of the 10 commandments is to honour marriage, another is to not lie. Your ridiculous husband has dishonoured you and you have every right to step away from his warped lies and his deranged mess of a life. You -the wife - deserve better.How can you Love a liar? That nasty man doesn't love you or that other woman or anyone, but he does (love?) his lies and cruelty and getting away with it! He's scared of being on his own. Hear that, see that, feel that.... He's scared of being on his own. And now he deserves to be on his own!
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (29 May 2017):
 You say he loves you but then you say he has treated you badly the last four years. Look he has cheated on you, this is not a one time thing where he went out and had sex with a woman this was four years off having an emotional affair with another woman. Honestly I couldn't forgive him. I couldn't put myself through that. Why would he be sorry after four years off doing this? Surely he would have woke up and saw sense before four years. How painful for you seeing him tell another woman he loves her. Am sorry I just don't know how a marriage can get back from that point, am not sure why you would want him still after putting you through that. I hope you make a decision on what is best for you.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (28 May 2017):
 What do YOU want?
You can't pretend it didn't happen, you can't turn back time. HE CHOSE to have an emotional affair for 4 YEARS with this woman. Whether they slept together BEFORE you knew him or not - it doesn't matter. WHAT does matter is HOW he treat YOU while romancing this woman, and what YOU want to do. FORGET him for a minute.
DO you want to stay with a man who DID this to you? Can you ever trust him again?
Do you think he is "really" sorry about his behavior or sorry he got CAUGHT?
Personally, I could NOT live with a man who did this to me. Not even my husband. This would be a total dealbreaker for me, but is it for you? ONLY you can decide that.
If you DO decide to stay with him - you two NEED to get some couples counseling or this will only make your LIVES miserable. YOU two NEED to talk about it, deal with and work through it. I don't think it's doable without a counselor or 3rd party mediator. So don't CHOOSE to stay and then be bitter about or sweep it under the carpet.
Whether you choose DIVORCE or to stay together - you have a lot of work ahead of you, so DECIDE and get started. Life is too short to let stuff like this fester.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2017): Any man who has an affair with another woman for 4 whole years does not love his wife.
This was an affair. An emotional affair, which in many ways, is even more damaging than a physical affair.
However, I would not believe him when he told you he has never slept with her.
He has.
Time for you to leave.
It was time the moment he fell for another woman.
Sorry but it's the hard truth.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (28 May 2017):
 How can he not remember sleeping with someone? What a load of rubbish.
You say he loves you yet he's horrible to you. That sounds a little contradictory doesn't it?
Do you think you'll ever get past this? Can you trust him? I don't think you would be here asking this question if you could.
I think you know deep down what you need to do.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (28 May 2017):
 You say you know he loves you. HOW do you know he loves you?
He has been unfaithful to you for the past 4 years. This was not just some drunken one-off fumble. It was calculated and carefully planned deceit. He may not have had any physical contact with this lady but he was diverting energy from your marriage to this new relationship and told this lady he loves her.
More importantly, he has been "horrible" to you during the duration of this second relationship, which tells me he resented your relationship during that time.
I know it is hard to just walk away from a marriage of that duration (emotionally and practically)but you need to make some important decisions on whether you can trust him again and whether he actually still wants to be with you. Do you want to spend what could be another 20+ years with a man you can't trust and/or who does not actually want to be with you?
If you decide you do have a future together, then he has to acknowledge what he did was wrong and work at rebuilding your trust in him.
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A
male
reader, Been there Now over it +, writes (28 May 2017):
I seriously doubt that he can be so confused about what's happened between him and this woman. That is reason for you to get out of this relationship.
The second reason for you to leave is that he has treated you "so badly."
If you haven't done so, it is time to start planning the process of leaving him.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2017): Okay, you already have a reason to divorce him. He has been horrible to you and has treated you badly. That's grounds for divorce. Never-mind the mess about some phone you found and all that stuff about some woman he knew years ago.
You don't stay with a man who treats you badly. Period!!!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2017): Suggest counselling if you feel there is much left to be salvaged here. Find out if she is an item with your husband. Lots of conversation needs to happen here to set your mind at ease before you can move forward with your life. This must be an awful feeling for you.
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