A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:The story (I'll try to be brief)...My boyfriend who I loved and was crazy about, broke up with me around April 2009 after being together for several months. We had been dating long distance for a few months prior to the break up, as he was away on a work assignment, and this arrangement was very hard on me. Before he went away, things were quite amazing. But once he was gone, I'd start stupid arguments and said things I later regretted because I'd get overly emotional and didn't (and still don't) express my feelings very well or accurately. But we had such a connection, I simply thought we'd patch things up once we were in the same city again. Instead he broke it off, and I remember being quite shocked. I'm not used to guys breaking it off without more of a fight to make it work (although he'd say he DID fight to try to make it work)!Long story short, he broke up with me and a few months later after very little contact, we found ourselves back together. I honestly didn't think that would happen! So I am now still back with my boyfriend who I secretly care about very deeply and appreciate more than I'll admit. But the rejection and surprise from the breakup last April has made me distant and I don't feel good enough. I feel I am pushing him away, by anticipating another surprise break up. I focus too much on the negative, looking for signs he's not happy and really convince myself he isn't. This causes a lot of stress! My boyfriend is used to very little arguing. I can tolerate much more. At the same time, I also have a history of staying in relationships past their "healthy stage." He doesn't have much experience with long-term relationships though 5 year old than me.He is now away working for the winter again. I haven't seen him in a month, and I'm now 3 months pregnant with an unplanned unborn child! But I'm still pushing him away, even though I need him more than ever. For some reason, I feel I experienced a real blow to my self-esteem or perhaps I never really had enough self-esteem to begin with for a supportive relationship. How do I stop being so difficult and believe my boyfriend really wants to be with me after the past breakup (I don't currently....!)Thanks in advance for any advice!!
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reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (21 February 2010):
I didn't mean to be so blunt. but I thought if I was you'd see the light. You'll be able to fix it so long as you address the times you were hurt before. Good luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you very much everyone for the advice.
As bluntly as you put it Caring Guy, it's true. I hate being so negative. I don't like to make my boyfriend not feel good enough. That's never what I was trying to do. I'm just living very fearfully right now, especially with an unplanned pregnancy and my insecurities. Thinking of all the 'what ifs' just makes a person sick. I got so upset the other day, the police pulled me over because I was driving too slow, swerving (didn't even realize this) and they thought I was drunk. I was just totally distraught and having a breakdown. They made someone drive to pick me up, and it was then that it REALLY kicked that all this stressing and creating issues has to stop. It's not my boyfriend-it's me! Just me. I convince myself there is something to worry about.
Yes I've been hurt before. My past relationship are part of why I am insecure and less trusting than what I'd like to be, but I just try to remind myself that the past doesn't determine the future. You're sometimes going to get burned trusting people, but that's not a reason not to trust. I am trying to give him the benefit of the doubt and assume the best, not the worst. I always cringe at people who do this. I judge them by thinking they're unrealistically optimistic or turning their ignorance into bliss. At the same time, I make assumptions based on a negative feelings and fear, and sometimes very little information, and that's also ignorant. At least overly optimistic people live longer and are more happy. I doubt they create their own doom quite as much.
Going for counseling is the plan. I want to be in a better state of mind for when this baby comes into the world. Hopefully my boyfriend will still be by my side. The thought of picking stupid fights in front of a child is a real motivating drive to turn my negativity around! I really do want my baby to be brought up with lots of love and getting to witness respect and healthy relationships. I have to set a good example.
I wish Stayc63088 the best with the same battle. Your advice was very helpful. Good to hear you are overcoming your insecurities and not interpreting outcomes to false drama as 'he doesn't care.' It also is just very helpful having people who understand where I'm coming from. It's nice not feeling alone and knowing others are moving past this!
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A
female
reader, Stayc63088  +, writes (20 February 2010):
 I don't have any advice that differs from CaringGuy. The only thing I wanted to add is that you are EXACTLY like me. You are terrified of being hurt again so you built up a wall around you incase he suddenly dumps you again. I hate to break it to you though, it hurts just as much if it happens. Only worse because you could have done something to keep him around but the entire time you were too terrified of getting dumped that you badgered him constantly for reassurance, or worse kept it to yourself and pushed him away completely. And you will regret it later. I have done this. Numerous times. And lost every single guy so far. Insecurity is not something you can just get over. You can't just tell yourself not to feel this way and get past it. I agree that you should probably see a counselor or atleast talk to someone about your fears aside from him. I always say have open communication etc, but I think in this aspect it is only going to hurt the relationship more. And I also hold onto unhealthy relationships looong past when they should end. So I get exactly how you feel. But think of it this way, he did come back when he didn't have to. Forget why or how he left. HE CAME BACK. Despite how hard everything was or fights you had that he wasn't used to, he loved you enough to come back. Not all of them do. He does not want to be without you, but we have to realize some people don't have the same tolerance for things that we do. And if arguing constantly makes him unhappy then he won't want to be in an unhappy relationship. Also you probably differ on what you consider "fighting" for a relationship to work. You probably see it as a dramatic scene, him not letting you just walk out of his life. So when it is less than that, you assume he doesn't care. That is something I have to learn too, not everyone sees things in the same way I do, and just because he doesn't act exactly like you would or you would expect does not mean he doesn't care.
It isn't going to be something you easily get over. But you don't want to lose him. Try your hardest to leave the past where it is. He is here now, you want him to stay, accept that he loves you. There really is no other reason he would have come back right :) Try to live in the moment (I am getting a bit better with this myself). Stop worrying about the past and what could happen in the future. You could be happy now, so why make yourself unhappy because he could possibly dump you months from now? Also you can get positive reassurance from him rather than negative. Instead of asking him constantly "would you leave me?", try to tell him things you love about him. He will do the same in return I'm sure, and you will feel a lot more secure with how he feels about you and why. It is hard to not be negative. But as long as you realize having this wall up isn't really protecting you from anything... you can let him know how much you love him and put everything out there. I mean really, if he dumped you right now would you feel any better than if you had tried your hardest and jumped right back into it expecting the best? I doubt it. You can email me anytime if you do want someone to talk to, or see a counselor if possible. I wish you the best of luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2010): You need to focus on your trust issues. I won't say anything as harshly as CaringGuy put it, but there's no reason to be insecure because he loves you. Maybe you could tell him about your dilemma. I'm sure that he will listen and be open and caring. Try to think about what you really want out of this relationship. if that is to get married and raise your baby, you'll need to work for it -everyone does- but it's so much easier to stay focused with a clear goal in mind. If you honestly don't believe that this could work out, you need to evaluate your options with your baby and your life. I'm sorry I couldn't help more, but good luck and much love!
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (20 February 2010):
You're going to lose him again. He had to break up with you because you were starting those arguments and he didn't feel like you loved him. He said he tried to make it work. Maybe he did. You need to realize that he broke up because of this kind of behaviour. He didn't do anything to deserve it, this was about your own insecurity. He wanted to be with you because he came back. But continue like this and you'll lose him again because he will believe you don't want to be with him. that's the problem. It's not that he doesn't want to be with you, he does. The question he is asking is that same that you are asking. Do you want to be with him? He's probably sat there thinking you don't love him or care, even after he decided to come back. Address your own insecurity with a counsellor. Is there something before all this that hurt you? Have you been deserted before? You need to look into your heart and find out why you're so insecure. He loves you and wants to be with you, because if he didn't he wouldn't have come back. But continue like this and you will lose him and probably find it very hard to have another relationship for the same reason. This is about your own insecurities.
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