A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:A couple of months ago my girlfriend broke up with me. It didn't last long, but it was the first relationship I've had that was in any way conventional or actually desired. And once we both seperated to go to university she ignored me for two months, cheated on me, and broke up with me only to get with her new guy. I was understandable devastated.The problem is that its shattered all hope for me. I've had a few relationships before, and every one has been brief (this last one was my longest, at 3 months if you include all the ignoring), and most of them have been a little emotionally hurtful -- like the girl who told me I was rubbish in bed while we were actually being intimate, and then complained that I wasn't excited enough despite the criticism. Or the one who had me take a three minute train journey at my own expense to see her, only to dump me after one weekend.It seems so much like in all those cases I've never been regarded as an actual legitimate boyfriend. Every last one of them has started a long and successful relationship days or weeks after dumping me. Maybe I drove them away. Maybe I complained too much. I dunno. But fairly or not, I keep feeling that any girl I even have a chance with must be bad news. And then what's the point of even trying? I no longer try.Of course, a rational part of my brain knows not all girls can be that bad. And that even if they are, I'll just have to learn to love it. I just want to know how I can leave the past behind me and at least start meeting people again, if nothing more.
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male
reader, Soja Exiles  +, writes (18 December 2009):
 You do sound rational. but its painful right? It freaking sucks. I've been there, done that. I've been with someone that I worked with for about 9 months, girl of my dreams maybe, I was also a growing business man, money maker, all good. Traveling to China and all. Only to find out one day, by a phone call, while I was in China in a business meeting, that she felt we should stop seeing each other.Totally unexpected.Advice? You will get over her, eventually, what you might not get over is the way she broke up with you, or the feeling of pain she left. It's like the wound has healed and it left a scar. I don't hate women, but I know how cruel they can be. I'm married now, to a wonderful woman, who drives me crazy sometimes and a second later can calm me down.between her and my former love I have been out with countless girls trying to fulfill that desire of finding my love. Check this out, my ex and me always had issues, we fought a lot, I realized that if we did stay together, eventually we would of broken up. She just ended it sooner, I did not want to admit it, but that's what it is.I realized what love is when I was with my wife, and it did not strike the moment we started dating, it actually happened a year after. you don't seem like a psycho guy that will slit his wrist because of a bad break up. So you will do just fine.Love is defined differently for different people, while some might focus on beauty, others might rely on trust. Some is the security, mostly a balance of many different factors. You just have to find the right one that can offer all the ingredients you need, and it must work vice versa.I don't believe in the perfect love, I believe in a mutual relationship, and love seems to grow on that, and just get stronger. I learned after the first year of marriage with my wife, I started changing into her habits and she started taking some of mines, things I never liked but she did, I started taking interest, she likes to watch Dexter with me, even though she hates blood.use your experience as a lesson, find out what went wrong, and why it hurts. Did she love you enough? if not, then just move on. It's going to hurt for a long time, but though pain there are lessons. You don't need to embrace it, you just need to understand it just enough to motivate you to find that somebody.
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