A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been going out with this guy now for 9 months, in the beginning things were great, it was so good I thought he was 'the one' until I started to get more tired as was suffering from a lot of stress in work. I told him I can't have sex cos I was too exhausted and that I preferred when it was more spontaneous as opposed to this routine. He wants it every night and every morning - minimum but preferrably with some more during the day. We both work in the same workplace which means he wants it on lunch breaks as well! Anyway I confronted him and told him stop to force things - I don't want it as much as you and that we must reach some sort of balance regarding one another's libido. I simply don't want it as much as him and even though he satisfies me and does it for hrs, it is getting me down. If I say no, he gets so offended and pouts, or rolls over in the bed in a huff..in a fight I asked him if he was just using me..and why can he not be sensitive to my feelings etc?He never responded - today he has been ignoring me all day which I find v hurtful. I have been trying to just resolve this, but guess he has been ignoring me as he feels rejected by me, even though I explained to him am not rejecting him - still want him etc. I said can we not compromise - have a naked cuddle instead?? anyway he didn't cuddle me then to get me back for not having sex with him..so I rolled over and ignored him. Then this morning, I decided to cave in and initiate just to soothe his ego and give it to him! he was bit hungover and told me to get off him v v rudely..so I did but was upset naturally cos I could not understand how he would not like that if he had been wanting it since the previous night. After 30 mins had passed he then tried to have sex with me but I was not interested then cos was still annoyed about what happened...since this incident this morning, he ignored all my calls and txts today - am v hurt. I just wanted to take a position with him and was trying to be assertive. He is 21 years older than me so could not understand why he was being such a jerk about it. I ended up calling him a jerk too..which didn't help. He is acting v odd - he used to get little gifts for me, be v complimentary and its now like he doesn't do anything anymore, he offered to take me away for the week-end then 5 hrs later had a txt war with me from the pub...said he wasn't taking me and stuff...so now I am trying to like him...I told him you don't appreciate me anymore and you don't do little things - he has just stopped to do and I don't know why he has this negative attitude about who I am as a person. I really love him a lot and am hurting by the fact he can not see a shred of my love at all. I cant even tell him love you cos he doesn't believe in the words cos his ex hurt him before. My period is now bit late and well I am scared I may be pregnant by him. He wants a child and stuff but I feel a bit trapped now. I now play the waiting game with my body...I got a negative on the pee test but I still feel pregnant and there is still no period..am going to hold out for 4 days and if its still not there then see a doctor. But I am gutted - cos the relationship used to be SO perfect - and now its just stale, boring and so routine. I find the sex such a chore even though he does it really well. I tried to tell him to vary it a bit etc on the hope he would go more gently..the bed springs have already broken and I just hate to hear them..everything is putting me off..the bed springs, the constant childish need of his to have sex..I told him I won't tolerate this form of bedroom bullying. He tells me to let him 'be the man' but I let him take the lead so what is he on about..I told him I will not be controlled by him etc.I called him a control freak in the heat of a fight..he got so offended he walked out of my flat and said fuck off - though he was a bit drunk at the time. He never used to drink much and now he drinks all the time and ends up knocking on my door after staying in the pub all night..I banned him before by giving him the couch to stop him from getting into this habit. Any ideas? I really really like him but dont like how he is suddenly behaving! and dont understand why he is spoiling the relationship..
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be pregnant, drunk, his ex, libido, period, trapped, workplace Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI think if he sends me another twisted txt - will reply with: Sorry, you don't make the flag on my mailbox go up anymore! :-) jaysus..I give up!
Let's see how he copes - I make a bet he writes back..piss off etc..or bye.. I know what I will say back..buh-bye..cos after all he told me don't come back!! I asked him what do you actually like about me?? I tried to point out how I am not his enemy etc but now am doing nothing as have no choice - right he doesn't want me now..so he has made himself clear. He told me too little too late..to sex..so no more txts! nice. But yet I am the best sex of his life...what a contradiction. Anyway trying to forget but having a rough night..if you know what I mean..just hope I don't end up in the fetal position myself AGAIN..
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionP.S Do you think he goes to the pub to see if there are any other women he can go out with?? I get the sneaky suspicion that he doesn't just go to the pub to drown his sorrows about the couple but to watch and see if there is anyone better than me and cos he has not 'found better' he has made do with me so to speak..hate to put it that way..He never used to drink at all before - and now I am blaming myself cos I don't want to feel like I made someone become alcoholic for x or y reasons. I called him alcoholic before and said I don't want someone alcoholic so either amend your ways or get lost..he amended his ways but now he has gone back into this self-destructive downward spiral and I feel I have no way to get through to him cos he needs to learn this for himself..but its shit.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI also called him a selfish idiot, and said fine do what your heart says, if you don't think the couple is worth saving than fine you be that dipshit, saying that everything has to revolve around what you want - and why can you not consider my feelings for a change, he told me to piss off and I wrote back don't worry I WILL! any normal man would be willing to compromise on this one and that I won't tolerate your bedroom bullying any longer and he responds with THANKS and BYE! oh nice..thanks for what...great sex and bye I want to be irresponsible now.
He also told me to Go away! called me a SAD PERSON! em..hello..I think its him, no?? Before breaking up with me in the txt war in the shop, he told me he would 'c me in a few weeks time if I was lucky!' I ignored and cos I ignored he dumped on me..then I wrote back don't worry I won't be seeing you!!! cos you are taking the piss..then he said piss off..he was basically alternating between hot and cold but mainly cold and standoffish..I let him have the last word which was BYE..great.
Let me give you a bit of a background, he is 49 so cant understand why he is doing this - I am 28, he told me he wanted a baby - so do I..so took a risk cos we both wanted the same thing at the time. His ex he was with for 10 yrs but she lied to him and faked a pregnancy with him so he had to mourn the loss of a child that never really existed. The topic of children is a real sore point for him cos of all the shit she put him through. I have not spoken much about it with him cos I respect him and dont want to hurt him and yet even when I have no choice to bring up the topic he then vents off. Any advice guys?? and thank you so much - hugs..
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey Denny - Thanks I appreciate your replies - v kind of you - I hope you are right..yeah he has got the maturity of a toddler though I wonder do you think he will come around?? I am so upset he is being an ass about everything. I told him via txt considering you know what happened to me with baby no.1 - I nearly died myself - surely he would understand why I am now extremely scared and worried - anyone with half a brain would know its horrible. Before he went to tell me 'Thanks and BYE' which I found upsetting as I painfully ignored him - he then wrote BYE! sent that twice. I ignored again. I sent 1 last txt saying if you can not treat me nice and porperly its your problem not mind and AM NOT INTERESTED...I feel v tortured - if he does come around and act alright how can I be okay?? now that he has done all of this? this is what really bothers me..cheers..
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey guys want to give you an update - well first off I stood up to him and yes he has gone and dumped me via txt tonight.
I am upset as I am not well - have no period and am still playing the dreaded waiting game. I did a pee test but it came back negative but am having all the pregnant symptoms so its awful.
I quoted you guys by txt back, and told him am not his personal blow up doll etc and that if he can't respect me am not interested. I rang once and he accidentally picked up - again he was in the pub. So now I am at a loss - why is he being so unsupportive - have had a baby die on me before which he knows about and scared of a repeat and he is being such a jerk about it all and why I do not know. He kept telling me to piss off etc - now I am ignoring him again but am hurt. Had another txt war today - had to go straight home as my blood pressure got too high and had to take a bath to cool down..told him via txt and he still kept to be nasty...so now ignoring YET again.. Told him if he can't respect my libido - that he was not worth it..but how shit is that..any advice..am miserable here..cheers.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionP.S how long do you think he will ignore me before he even talks to me ever again?? as I said he has not said whether its broken up now but is acting like we have. I have stopped ringing altogether and stuff but he knows I want to speak to him so its really shit. He knows I have been finding it a bit of a chore to have sex with him too and he says that turns him off. But what does he expect. I dont know how to go about resolving it - tried communicating to him my issues with him so its not like he doesn't know. But I get so upset cos he always tells me fine will find myself a 'real woman' who can keep up with me?! Why does he undermine me if I even indulge him..he tells me if I indulge him he will v 'nice' back to me - he used to, to be fair, but is not anymore.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionBy the way anonymous if I tell him I cant do it cos I need to poop - great idea - but he will just say oh that is fine - come back when your done and we can do it then..so that idea as great as it sounds doesnt even work - tried that one already!! but hey thanks..
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionPeriod still hasn't come..and its messing with my head...thanks to anonymous also...totally agree with what you have said - though I am prob the 1% out of that 99% chance.. ;-) I never seem to have great luck with men. I always fall for the assholes and its getting me down cos I thought I had finally picked someone mature and well understanding. I took my time getting to know him - didn't have sex too quickly and am still being punished. Not fair. Every time I end up having sex - the guy either turns into a nympho - wanting it 24/7 'cos its so good' or goes asexual - is too tired. Why can't I just find the man who is in the middle on this one...
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAlso will he ever talk to me again since he has sucessfully ignored me for a whole two days now?? opinions pls!!..and I guess he is breaking up with me but without telling me..I find the whole thing so annoying..why do a back-handed break-up..I think he is not sure to be with me anymore - He tried to break up with me 4 nights ago and claimed to have a better offer?! cos I really like the guy - I started to have a breakdown in the middle of a shop..and immediately went home to come to terms with his stupid txt msge - told him he was a coward to txt a break up and that I didn't want a wimp. When he 'made up' with me the next day - he told me it was not true and I was evem more angry cos of his attention seeking stunt. Period has still not arrived today and he won't talk to me at all which is really really upsetting me. Will he ever talk to me again even though this feels like a breakup and why the hell is he doing this?? he knows that I havent had the period yet - why doesn't he wait that bit out then leave me...geez..
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI agree with what both of you have said - I did stand my ground soo much that this is day no 2 of him totally ignoring my calls and txts.. Yeah I find it v selfish alright. Other thing is, how is he emotionally manipulative?? I did actually say that to him in a fight too...but he called me that the manipulative one?! I said you are just projecting your behaviour onto me..how am I manipulating him if I am just merely saying no?? any takers..and thanks guys really appreciate your feedback..
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe is now telling me that I am the best sex of his life - no.5 for him - and I am like..thanks and stuff but can you ease up on it..but now I cant stomach to do with him as I am still pissed about the sex friend comment..he even told me he felt a bit sorry for my ex boyf as he missed out on this incredible sex apparently..I cant even give out cos its a compliment and an insult rolled into one...but it really pisses me off..I even told him that is an insult sugar coated with a compliment..pathetic..he again ignored. He thinks if he reacts to be it is counterproductive..nice.
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reader, Johnnyboy03  +, writes (15 March 2009):
 The dude has problems. Everybody has a different libido, and he should be respectful of yours. Especially since you guys already do have sex so much. It's not like you refuse to ever have sex with him.
He just seems kind of selfish to be honest. He's guilt tripping you by saying because you can't have sex as much as he wants that it is because you don't love him.
he strikes me as emotionally manipulative. I really doubt he will ever change, and if you aren't willing to put up with it, then get out now.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey thank guys! First of all yeah I totally agree - have no reason YET to think he is an alcoholic but thanks to make me aware - will watch out for it from now on..any reason, why you think its a classical sign?? any other signs to watch out for???
I have to stand up to the bull too..and yes Denny I certainly have a lot of patience. I told him I would give him the marching orders if he didn't 'compromise' with me on the sex front - he again claimed that I am not letting him 'be the man' I said you still got sex, how have I not let you 'not be the man' he said couples die when the sex stops - the sex hasn't stopped so what is your point I said in retaliation?? he seems to think cos have been saying no that every time I say no I am rejecting him...irritating or what..I said there is more to a relationship than just sex. He is not romantic anymore like he used to be which is a real drag. I have told him all this and yet he is now playing the ignore game still..I hope he gets his act together but I wish I didn't really really like him too..
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2009): I feel i can relate to ur situation my boyfriend is also older though weve been together a bit longer and have kids already. he sounds like he has a drinking problem and well im not saying my man does wait yes i am and like yours he demands sex when i say no cause like u im not in the mood for sex when someone is demanding it or wants it all the time but then i learned how to controll him while he is drunk or has a hang over and is feeling like he has to have it. i usually whine at first i have a really bad headeche and nothing seems to be helping me yes its a lie but trust me its a white lie and men do it all the time. if that doesnt work then i start talking about things im going to do to him sexually and sometimes i get myself n the mood i kno i have to compromise and give it up even when i dont want sometimes and thats wut u do in a relationship. but sometimes i get off scot free just by turning the tables on him. have u tried turning him off without letting him kno its on purpose this might sound grose but ive also done this quiet a few time tell him hold that thought my stomach hurts im going to go try to poop. or something along those lines . if none of that works to try to make him stop demanding sex all the time from u bribe him tell him u'll have hot steemy sex with him if he will do what u want him to do and u m make that thing something u kno he hates as much as u hate having sex demanded try demanding things from him men hate to talk to women about problems litteraly their brains are built diffrently then ours and about ur trip next time he demands it from u just do it u really like him do it the way he wants just once then after ur done tell him u cant wait for that trip since u did what he asked its time for him to return the favor and u can get lots of things out of it a back massage is my fav a treat out to lunch exc. and the whole pregnency thing i wouldnt stress it if u already missed a period and 2 tests say ur not its 99 percent chance ur not. ive been through this sit. with alot of my friends and ive never failed on being right. u dont have to have sex with him ever time he wants it and ther doesnt have to follow an argument about u sayng no u just need to find he weekness and use it!
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reader, enjoimx +, writes (15 March 2009):
 "He only drinks when he is really depressed about the relationship"
Classic sign of alcoholism. You dont have to be drinking a 20 pack a night to be an alcoholic. Any time you use alcohol to try to fix a problem, and it negatively affects your life, that is considered alcohol ABUSE!
Good luck
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you Denny lol..you got it right. I do feel like a blow up doll...he is not an alcoholic - he just uses alcohol to drown his sorrows when things are going pear shaped in the couple. He never usually overdoes it. Yeah don't know why he is being weak or feeble??? and why on earth is he with me out of fear?? any takes on this one...thanks!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your response..sorry forgot to say he is not an alcoholic - he only drinks when he is really depressed about how our relationship goes..should have clarified that. Why is he staying with me out of fear?? He wont communicate v well and zones out to me when I am talking to him - sometimes he listens and if he doesn't like what he hears he just runs away sort of thing. I split up from a v bad bad relationship before going with him - its taken me all this time to overcome it so we never actually said we were in a relationship and he now assumes that he is like a sex friend for me. I got so offended - I told him I made it clear to you that you are my boyf and now you are telling me that all this time you think I see you as a sex friend?! wtf..etc..so now we are still not speaking to each other..its tricky, I dont know how to reach a good resolution..it is a war of control for sure..
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reader, enjoimx +, writes (15 March 2009):
I am really sorry this is happening to you, it sounds like he is in a relationship based on fear not love. Sure what he is doing hurts you, and you should probably end the relationship as it is a way of controlling you. You and him are going back and forth in this war of control.
It doesnt help that he is an alcoholic...it makes the communication that much more un-effective.
Good luck!
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