A
male
age
36-40,
*aulDH
writes:My Long-term GF Leah and I have split up, at least for a while.We've been together just over 7 years now, had a couple of bumps down the road, but nothing we couldn't overcome. I met her in college the opposite side of the country where I'm from, and after a few years of trying the LDR thing, I moved down here to get a job be with her. We moved into our own little cottage after spending a year on her family farm together. Bringing us roughly to lastnight, when she came back to my work from a long weekend away at her family farm, we went back home and I went out to the gym (as usual for a Monday night).I got back with this heavy weight on my chest, needing to talk to her about us. She was already having anxiety attacks for no reason. We ate, and I felt crushed under the words on the tip of my tongue.We finally spoke and I told her about how I find it so difficult to be the one who does all the heavy lifting in the relationship. I'm the confident one who has to talk to people while she hides in my shadow. I'm the one who goes out to work, whilst she helps her family and goes out volunteering- then expecting me to buy all the things we need.I explained that this had built up for a long time, and that I had bottled it up and not said anything more forcefully before for the fear of hurting her knowing how sensitive she is. I've tried to talk about these things to keep us on track in the past, but she's just bypassed them each time. I said about how it feels like she's leaning on me all the time for this support, and that I'm afraid that she'll never grow as a person if I'm around. I also said that I never know how to motivate her, whichever tack I take always seems to result in a negative response.I told her that I still love her but that things couldn't carry on as they have been. I've also told her that I don't want to give her any expectations that there will be a second chance. I did say to her that she shouldn't be making improvements for me, that she needs to do them for herself otherwise it isn't worth it.We're booked (flights and hotel) to go to a wedding in August, which we decided we would go to together as we were both invited. Also, that I still intend to give her the present's I've bought for her birthday this weekend (Her 30th). Obviously we both cried a lot, and at one point she started screaming and crying hysterically.It was only meant to be a "sort things out" kind of talk when I started it, but I just had so much to get off my chest and it seems to have gone so far that it's almost like there's no return.I love her, her family, the farm, all of our friends, and our life together. I just can't handle the negativity I get from her, and I'm afraid that she won't ever actually change, especially if I'm around to hold her up.I know how much this has hurt both of us, and though I wanted to take it back that instant I knew I couldn't.Am I an idiot for this? Should I have just kept my mouth shut and carried on as we were?
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female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (10 July 2013):
 No, you should have addressed your concerns as they came up, one by one, rather than saving them for one big emotional dump on her. Granted, she's avoided dealing with things you've wanted to discuss in the past, and you've given her a pass because she's 'sensitive.'
So now at least it's all out (I hope?) and you can start from a fresh clean, everything is out there sort of slate, and it's all open and can be discussed and dealt with.
Holding things in isn't healthy for you or for her, ultimately, as you've discovered. Be honest and kind about your concerns. Hiding them for years wasn't a successful strategy.
Don't you feel a bit better that it's all out? Some part of you?
If she's having anxiety attacks, she needs to find a healthy way to handle them. If she is depressed, she will need to find a way to deal with that.
You aren't her caretaker and nanny.
So think of this as a fresh start and maybe things can change for the better. If you start to be honest about your concerns and feelings, as they come up.
Good luck.
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (9 July 2013):
 I think it HAD to be said.
Though I think she took it so hard because you two have been together for 7 years and you haven't really made that point to her (in order to "spare" her feelings) til now and then it came with a bomb at the end.
It is not an easy position to be in, for you AND for her.
There is nothing you can do about what you said or how you said it, you just have to move forward, with or without her.
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (9 July 2013):
You were not an idiot, you did the right thing. You can’t go on allowing resentment to simmer away indefinitely, eventually this would have all come out and boiled over so it’s better you told her rather than allow this to destroy your relationship and kill it off in a far more unpleasant way, which is probably what would have happened. People think it’s kind not to say things that they know will cause upset to the person they love, but then snap and can’t control how that information is revealed. What you did was far better.
You need now to figure out whether you feel that you can, or would wish to, see if anything does change. Maybe she just didn’t realise what your needs were and how you were feeling about the direction of the relationship. But if you are certain that you don’t think there’s any chance you could believe in her ability to genuinely make changes and compromises, or you don’t want to be with her anyway, you’ve got to be very honest with her about that, wish her well and move on.
Whatever happens, tough though it is, don’t feel guilty for what you’ve done. It’s understandable that, right now, whilst the dust is settling, you might wish you could just go back and change the fact that you said it. But actually you just need to remember that the right way can often be the hardest.
I wish you all the very best.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (9 July 2013):
 In view of the fact this has only just happened, you seem 100% determined to end the relationship without giving her a single chance to work on things....
This says a lot about how you really feel about the relationship and all the talk of love and feeling like you are holding her back from developing are really just moot points.
Your talk started out as a 'let's sort things out' and ended with you ending the entire relationship...so perhaps, subliminally, this was what you really wanted.
You underlined this point by telling her there will be no second chance so it's understandable that she was hysterical and devestated as not even being given the chance to redeem is utterly destroying!
You now need to give her lots of space and time to come to terms with the end of the relationship. I am not saying you didn't have your reasons for ending things, and if you are working and providing and she isn't then, for some people it's a bridge too far!
You should also bear in mind that this is often what has to happen when a couple start a family!!
Anyhow the blow has been struck and you have to just keep going. I must say that you do come across as a tad controlling and dominant but this could just be misconstude with your chosen phrases!
If there was really love between you, it's just such a shame that you did not give her a chance to make improvements but thats what we call 'throwing the baby out with the bath water'...perhaps she will do much better with a different bloke who doesn't cast such a long shadow!
Accept the end, heal and move on, that is all you can really do.
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A
female
reader, Brokenv  +, writes (9 July 2013):
I think you did the right thing. In a loving and caring relationship you need to be able to communicate. A serious talk can bring everyone to tears. It is healthy.
If she has issues that need to be dealt with, encourage her to go to a counselor. Maybe she can't talk to you about it Maybe she is ashamed or doesn't know how to talk about it.
You need to do what is right for you. You need to be happy too!
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