A
female
age
41-50,
*atient1
writes:I did it! I left my bitter alcoholic husband this past weekend. It's only been 2 days and he's already calling me constantly begging for forgiveness and saying that he'll do what ever it takes to get me and the kids back. I want to believe him, but as I told him, it's going to take time and a whole lot of effort on his part. He said he's willing to do whatever it takes and he's so sorry for everything. I told him he needs to start with not drinking alcohol anymore and helping me support our children. He said he will and I want to believe him but he's made so many empty promises I just can't believe him anymore. Part of me wants to give in, but I know it's too soon. Is there an adquate time frame to forgive him and try again? What if I go back and it just starts all over again? Should I even forgive him at all? Please help, thanks!
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female
reader, szparaga +, writes (3 October 2008):
1st of all, I have been through this myself. I know exactly what your going through. Now you have made a decision and I beleive you should stick to it. Allow him to prove himself, be patient, it will take some time. If he truly means what he says, then he will go to AA, or whatever it takes to STOP poisoning himself and his marriage. It is WAY to soon to go back, let him know you love him, but you will not tolerate this addiction any longer. Give him time to think, and prove himself, listen to your instincts, alchoholism is a disease, and it ruins many marriages, including YOUR self esteem. Concentrate on your children and yourself, allow him space to think about his family and whats more important. Let him know you mean business, after all, you owe it to yourself and your kids. Offer to go with him to AA, offer to help, but at the same time, keep your distance heartwise, so he KNOWS its the booze or his family. Good Luck, I beleive they can change, but be patient, it will take time. Patience is the virtue. Find something that you and your kids can do together,take time for yourself, and STAND YOUR GROUND! DO NOT enable him in any way, God Bless you,he has to make the change and will if he wants this marriage to last. Good Luck, Laura
A
female
reader, Patient1 +, writes (28 March 2007):
Patient1 is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thank you all so much for the great advice. I am spiritually feeling better every day, but the conversations are still so hard. He is constantly weaping and sobbing and saying that he can't go on like this anymore and that he feels like going to sleep and never waking up. I know he's going to say whatever he can to try and get me back, but I think his feelings are genuine. When ever I feel like caving in I just remember all the things he's done to me in the past and it helps me maintain my position. Your advice helps as well. It helps me realize that I am doing the right thing and words are easily spoken, but actions speak louder than words. Again thank you all!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2007): You've been given very good advice by the other Aunts here and I just want to add my 2 cents. I would strongly advice, that going back to this dysfunction, is a chance you shouldn't take. You and the children have been through enough. You have set boundries in the past and it hasn't worked. But that is easier said than done. And I understand that you love this man in spite of his addiction and the kids need their father. So...if you agree to taking him back, there has to be some super-tough guidelines in place. And you have to be stubborn and strong enough to follow through, if he doesn't get the help he needs. Contact your family doctor and Alcoholics Anonymous get some names of some rehab centers. Once you have done that, you tell you husband what he needs to do. You give the contact names and information he'll need to get the ball rolling. And start planning ahead so you and kids will not suffer financially, and you need to be strong. Because if he goes to rehab, this may be a long term process. You may have to call in the support of gov't agencies (social aid) and/or family members for financial aid if your income is not sufficient to support the kids, assuming you are a working Mom. But you need to stick to your guns...tell him there will be absolutely no reconciliation until sober and trustworthy. And when he is sober...if he has one relapse drink--he loses you and the kids. No more chances..it will be over! You really need to protect your kids and to set the best example to them, by teaching them that when anyone (Dad included) brings stress and pain in their lives, they can and should take a stand. Good luck, dear and my heart is with you.
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A
male
reader, DreamMaster  +, writes (28 March 2007):
 Hi,
Yes it is going to be difficult, but you do not have to be hateful – there is no need to be confrontational,
But you have to be strong,
You have to show him that your mind is absolutely made up – that you are going to do this, no matter WHAT he says to you,
When he starts pleading etc – just tell him you are sorry, but this has to be done – that you cannot carry on the way it is going,
He says he will change,
Great – tell him to change – and when (/if) he does, then maybe there is a way back,
But you have to be absolutely firm that you are separated up until he sorts his drink problem out and he is dry for 6 months, and then starts paying child support for at least a few months,
Tell him that there is NO relationship until that happens,
Do NOT give him any room to negotiate – just tell him that these are the conditions you have decided on and you are not discussing it with him,
It may seem a little cold – but it is not – it is just firm – you have to be the stronger person here because he is not strong,
So take on the responsibility that he will not,
If it burns you inside to do this, then repeat that phrase to yourself – ‘you have to be cruel to be kind’,
This man needs help – and you are NOT helping him by letting him go down this alcoholic path – it is destroying both of you,
He might change in 6 months, and you can get your life back on track, and you can get back together, and he will know that this decision you have made may just have saved his life,
If he does not change – it is hard going – but such is life – you have to move on,
Your life without him may be tough for a while, but it will ultimately be more rewarding,
Of course… we all hope he changes…
But YOU can change – show him you can change – show him you no longer want to live like this,
Show him the strength and courage that you expect him to display in this next 6 months,
Be an example for him,
Hopefully he will follow it,
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A
male
reader, rossiboy confessions  +, writes (27 March 2007):
 do not go back to him ur husband untill his drinking is under control and stabilised and he has shown love commitment to you and your kids, your husband can contack alcholol anomyous they can help build a time frame if u want to go through and do it with him then u can but its up to you but if ur not happy babe don't go back on empty promises he needs to prove and when your heart over its not about the past its about a bright happy future. all the best rossiboy
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A
female
reader, Patient1 +, writes (27 March 2007):
Patient1 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your advice. It really helped to hear a mans opinion on this as well. You make a lot of sense Dream Master. I know what I need to do, but it is hard because I do want to be with him, but not as he is now. The hardest thing for me is having the strength to hold out that long. Though I shouldn't feel bad for him after all of the things he's put me through, I still do when he's crying and begging to have me back. I don't know how to respond because I don't want to be hateful, but I don't want to give in already either. How should I handle these conversations?
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A
male
reader, DreamMaster +, writes (27 March 2007):
Apologies
"you cant save somebody who *ISN'T* willing to save himself"
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A
male
reader, DreamMaster +, writes (27 March 2007):
Hi,
Him ringing and begging is a natural course of action – it was the only way he could respond – so don’t let those actions change your mind – they were inevitable,
If you were to get back with him now – he would certainly go back to his old behaviour very quickly – AND you would also convince him that in future when he slips up he will be able to pull the same sorry act and you would come back,
This is a pattern you will see over and over again if you go back with him now,
If you want him to really change his ways, then it will take MONTHS of you being separated for him to actually believe it is for real,
Only when he really feels he has lost you because of drink will he actually turn his attention to the problem,
At the moment his main attention is spent on the problem of convincing you to get back with him – and he will SAY whatever it takes to CONVINCE you of this (using his own words),
The man has a proven track record of empty promises – so you cannot believe a single promise that comes out of his mouth,
The only way he would be convincing is – after a few months grieving – he sets about sorting himself out – and you can actually see him some day and he has been off the drink for an extended period of time – got himself work – paying you money,
These things HAVE to happen in THAT order,
He sorts out his alcohol problem, gets himself a job, pays money,
Then – maybe after 6 months or something if all this is happening – take very slow baby steps back into the relationship – with these whole new set of rules agreed on the way in,
I have been working under the assumption that you want to be with him - but just not the way he is now,
So follow the above advice – and if he changes – then it might be worth giving him another shot,
If he doesn’t change – then you have your own life to live, you cant save the world,
And you cant save somebody who is willing to save himself,
Best of luck
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2007): At 30 I was in the same predicament as yourself.My husband was and still is a terrible alcoholic. I left him, listened to all his promises and I'm really glad I never went back. Despite him not contributing financially to the upbringing of our son I can say, difficult as it was at the time, it was the best step I ever made in my life. Ten years on he still contacts me occassionally by phone only to reel off the abuse. How happy I am that I never went back because my life would have been sheer misery with him. Give him at least a year to prove himself to you and get himself into rehab.If he really wants to make it work with you and the children then he will do his utmost to pack in his addiction.Sadly with alcoholics,drink always takes priority over everyone else. Just be strong for you and your children, its only been two days and I assure you its not going to get any easier. Stand your ground and get all the support you can from your family and friends.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2007): Don't go back there, you'll only regret it. Once you are back with him it's highly likely that he'll stop drinking again. Find someone in which isn't addicted to alcohol and will support your children.
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A
female
reader, cd206 +, writes (27 March 2007):
 The problem with any addicts is that it's easy to say these things and not so easy to actually do it. Tell him you need to see proof before you can trust him again. He must get medical help and go to AA meetings and give you money to support your kids for a few months and prove he's changing. Words are easy, you need to see proof first.
CD
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