A
female
age
36-40,
Anongrl
writes:I am writing this, so that I can tell people how I managed to overcome a burning crush that drove me crazy for over two years, which was too long for me!I am in a long-term, happy relationship with my boyfriend however I found myself lusting after a much older married man who works close to where I live. He is married with kids. Believe it or not, no matter what I tried, short of being a full-blown stalker, I tried my best for all that time to meet him, bump into him and get to talk to him, but even though we were in close proximity it was a "so close but yet so far away" situation. Anyways, he picked up that I liked him and would respond by smiling at me and waving, turning up in his car by places where I'd be walking etc. everything but a conversation. The most we ever spoke was "hi" absolutely nothing more, which drove me crazy, I needed to speak to him, I didn't even know what his personality was like but through mutual acquaintences I believed him to be a nice, kind, person. I let myself be affected for two whole painful years by the "what if" bug and as time went on it got worse. I used to work close, like right across the road to his workplace, (that is how I saw him in the first place) however I left my job (for different reasons) and leaving my job took me out of the situation, however, I live very close to where we both work/worked. So for all this time, I've had to put up with seeing him nearly every day, it was torture because I just didn't have the courage to go and just speak to him.So after two years of trying hard to get over it, stop thinking about him and move on, I just had enough. I know deep down that he knew I liked him, but none of us would speak. After long bouts of pain and depression, therapy to deal with it, him constantly on my mind, I decided to take action. So I decided to contact him and tell him how the crush was affecting me. It was one of the hardest, most difficult, aversive things I have ever had to do, but I knew that I would never move on from it unless I got it off my chest. So I got his public number and took one of the scariest plunges I have ever taken. I dialled the number into my phone and sat for 20 mins just looking at it because my heart was pounding.So our first ever conversation was, me ringing him up and telling him who I was, (we never even exchanged names, but it's a very small town and very easy to find out, I found out his name) anyways, I went on to telling him that I'd had a crush on him for a long time now and it's been bringing me down and that I've been finding it difficult to move on and let it go and I also added the fact that the guilt I had over the fact that he was married, also brought more grief to my already bad crush. I apologised for it being so out of the blue, which it would have been to him, and told him that I was not trying to dump my problems on him. He listened to me, there was a lot of awkward silences, and it happened quite quickly, all he said to me was "well, you'll just have to move on", he was very calm and collected in the circumstances. It was so strange, it was difficult and painful, but I was lucky that I had a great friend who was the only one who supported me in my decision to tell him. All the other people I had sought advice from, were all against this plan.I chose to take the bull by the horns and go for it. I knew that if I told him, and just got it off my chest, I'd finally be able to let it go. After the conversation, I had mixed emotions, obviously, there was a small bit of hope in me that he'd feel the same, but that was not the case. I always find, in my own life, that if something is hurting me a lot, I just confront it head-on in order to deal with it, no matter how painful it is, obviously because painful things are so difficult to deal with and confront, people choose to repress it and sometimes it does go away but if I repress it inside me, I find that it starts eating me alive and makes me loose control over myself. So what I did, even though it's very recent, has given me the release and freedom that I really needed. I needed confirmation that nothing would ever happen, that is all I needed and even so soon afterwards I'm starting to feel more like my old self again and I feel stronger.I took a lot into consideration before I decided to make the difficult call. Like: what if it got out in this small, gossip orientated town, what if he tells his wife etc. but I decided that I would take the risk in order to let go of the pain. One might say it was selfish, to put that kind of pressure on a person and put them on the spot, but I had to be selfish, if that's what it was going to take to move on.I knew it wasn't going anywhere but I needed to be sure of that and for me, doing what I did was the only way I'd ever know. And I decided that I didn't want the regret of: "oh I wish I'd said something" and never know, but I decided that I'd rather have the regret of expressing my feelings, even though it makes things more awkward.So now I'm going out of my way for a while to try and avoid seeing him, or being seen by him, when, only up until recently I'd be going out of my way to see him. I feel I need this space now to collect myself and try to undo bad habits that I had attained because of the crush.My motto is: sometimes you have to do the hardest things, things that you detest, and that would lay your soul bare, all in order to be able to progress in life, sometimes you have to take the two steps back so that you can move forward. But when you finally let go and are done with it, and not obsessed, the feeling is just amazing. I'd also suggest that you have someone you really trust on your side and ready to support you in burning, difficult decisions.I hope this post may help someone in some small way. In my crush, I lost a lot of my own self-worth and confidence because I looked to him for approval. But now I realise that there are other good people out there who appreciate me and like me for who I am and now I am focusing more on those people and their positivity which is helping me to believe in myself again. And I believe that we all need to focus on those people, those who bring positivity into your life.Good luck to anyone who may be in a similar, horrible situation. Remember that there is light at the end of the tunnel and you must believe that you can get through that tunnel, and when you find your way to get through your tunnel you will come out to the into light, hopefully a stronger, braver, happier person. We are all human and we're not supposed to be perfect and I feel that we need to be kinder to ourselves. Life is too short to be holding onto silent pain, because even if you enjoy the misery of it at first, it soon becomes toxic, so with that in mind, after some contemplation, do what you need to do in order to be happy, even though it may cause you pain initially, you will be free. The peace and happiness I finally got, was worth that short spell of awkward time.
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female
reader, Anongrl +, writes (16 August 2013):
Anongrl is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your kind reply. The purpose of writing it was hopefully to give other people some hope and encouragement in difficult situations such as this. I'm glad you feel a little better about yourself. And you're not being judgemental, you're just saying what the reality of the situation is. I found it hard to face that, that nothing would ever happen, but a small, tiny part of me wished that he did have a shred of care for me but that never was and never will happen. It's going to take time for me, as I acquired a lot of bad habits from the crush, so now I'm trying to stop this hard-wired behavior!It really helped to say what I needed to say here, as I had a lot of things I really needed to say bottled up for over two years and it actually started to feel like there was a real weight in my chest, physical symptoms.I wouldn't wish that kind of turmoil on my worst enemy. Also I would've been judgemental of people like me years ago but as you get older, you realise that marraige and relationships aren't that simple and you can develop feelings that you cannot control, no matter how hard you try!I just want people to know that it's natural to feel like this and you can overcome it, even though it's extremely difficult, after two, long painful years, I owed it to myself to take big steps to let it go! And I totally understand your feeling of wanting someone to love you for who you are. It's a natural, human feeling!I think the people I told thought that it would totally backfire on me, but thankfully it didn't. It went the way it should have went, not exactly as I really would have wished, but it went the best way for no feelings to be hurt.Thanks again for your reply. I hope you'll be happy too!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2013): I commend you for having the guts to confront a married man that you had a crush on. I don't think I would have done the
same thing. I have been through a similar situation but I never had a crush on a married man, but I know what it feels
like to want someone and you have constant thoughts of them.
It has shown me that I am only human and I want someone in my
life to love me for who I am. I don't want to judge you but this man was obviously not available to you and what would
have come out it you will never know. You mentioned that
others were against you telling him and they may not have
wanted to see you hurt or maybe they thought that it would
be embarrassing for you. Now you can focus on your life and be happy.
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