A
female
age
51-59,
*hy_me?
writes:All of my life I have had the worst luck with men. I fall for men who are either gay or not interested, jerks or clueless. I met a guy three months ago and we instantly clicked. We get along really well, he's extremely cute, we make each other laugh, we have a lot of fun together and he's straight! However, and there is always a however, he's married. I can't believe I finally found a good, kind and straight man, but he's married. The problem is that, as much as I wouldn't want to have an affair, if he was up for it, I would do it. I don't want to be the other woman, but I am lonely and want him so bad. I don't mean just sexually, I really feel a connection with him. I just don't know what to do. I try to put it out of my mind, but then we see each other and fall back into that pattern of playful flirting. It's making me crazy and I don't even know if he's willing to go there. I just can't get him out of my mind or my heart. I know morally I shouldn't even attempt to pursue it, but honestly I don't care about the moral course of things anymore. I just want to be with this guy. What can I do???
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female
reader, Why_me? +, writes (27 April 2007):
Why_me? is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYou know, I know everything you guys said is true. And even though it sounded like it in my original post, I don't take it lightly. I don't want to hurt his wife or his kids (yes, he has kids--all older except one). And I know better. My father cheated on my mother when we were kids, and it ended their marriage. (In face, my father left my mother for the other woman, then cheated on the other woman!--so I know how lame it all is!) I guess I just feel so alone, and I care about this guy. Perhaps if I really could meet a good guy--who was straight and single. I can't seem to find that type of guy. For one thing, I'm in a field that is dominated by women. I'm about to graduate from graduate school--from a program that is dominated by women. Most of my friends are gay, so the guys they all know who are single are gay. I've tried the online dating thing--on 3 differnet sites--and most of the guys who actually made contact with me weren't interested in a relationship, if you know what I mean. People always tell me to go out more and do the activities that I enjoy, that way maybe I'll meet a guy with the same interests. Unfortunately, I enjoy the theatre and the arts in general, and all the guys I meet at those things are--guess what? Gay or being dragged there wives! So when I met this guy, I has already fallen for him when I found out he was married.
I don't know guys. I know what the right thing to do is in my head. By my heart is screaming something else! Where can I go to meet a guy who isn't married, who's striaght, and who is into me, not the b.s.?!!!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2007): Hun, you seem like a sensible girl here. It shows, simply because you are questioning your feelings. This tells me, you do have some standards and you are mixing some rational with the feelings you have for this married guy. I would like to think that your self esteem isn't that low, that you are not willing to accept seconds and be able to walk away and go find a man who is committed only to you. I do have to say, if more women would quit being willing to have affairs with married men, then there would be a lot less affairs going on, and a lot of married men who would have to work on their marriages instead of escaping into meaningless affairs that destroys and 'blows up' their familes. And if a woman knowingly goes into an affair, she owns 1/2 th blame for doing that to innocent people.
Tell him to call you when he's divorced. If this guy is ready to divorce his wife for you, then he was unfaithful and insincere to his wife, wasn't she? Too many women don't give a hoot about the wife. They forget she is a person, who loves this man and is at home waiting for him. Don't be one of those women who forgets...reach into yourself and find some compassion for her and the family, if he has kids. The ask yourself, if you get him.. how will you ever trust such a man? My suggestion: Let him go..then withdraw and lick your wounds. It will be painful. In time, you'll get over the grief and heartbreak and you will gain your pride back again. Live life well, be positive and caring for others. When you have healed, go find an available, unattached someone who loves you in the same way you will love them...that will be your only way to find true happiness. Good luck
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A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (27 April 2007):
 Well if this guy was interested then he would be a JERK. He would be clueless because of the pain he would cause other people. Because you would be involeved, you too would be a jerk and clueless. You've said you don't care about morality because you want what you want. What does this say about you? Are you that shallow? Should we care about your issue if you don't care about the pain you'd cause this mans' wife/kids? What comes around goes around.
The truth is you haven't met the right man yet. The right man isn't married. You know that. You have to quit building this into something it shouldn't be...a relationship. He's not available. You also deserve more than leftover scraps.
At this point I can understand you're alone. You want someone. If you write back in 6 months saying my married lover left me.....I'd reply...too bad for you. You knew what you were getting involed with. Do the right thing. Keep your nose out of his MARRIED life and back off. He's not yours and you don't "deserve" this man just because you want him. Another WILL come along.
By the way, most men are not jerks or gay. Where have you been looking? If you're willing to take the high road and wait,another WILL come along.
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A
female
reader, Keria  +, writes (27 April 2007):
Sounds like the Alana Morisette song, "It's like finding the man of your dreams, then meeting his beautiful wife."
Well, I know you are probably expecting people on here to tell you to find someone else. I'm not going to tell you that. But here are a couple of things to think about...
If you have an affair with him, be prepared to have really really strong feelings for him, and want him so badly, and in the end he stays with his wife. That's usually what happens.... Are you strong enough to handle that? Seriously, because chances are that's whats going to happen. Secondly, if you go ahead, and by some luck of the draw he leaves her for you, are you prepared that you might some day find him "cheating" on YOU? Because, as they all say, if he'll cheat on her, he's capable of cheating on you. Remember that when if first married her, he was probably head over heals in love with her, and would never ever contemplate an affair. Ok, so that feeling's mellowed out now for whatever reason... and he has an affair with you. He falls in love, leaves her, takes you as his partner, and now he's set for life, and will never ever ever cheat on you. As much as you want to be the special one for him, believe me, his deep feeling for you will mellow too. Will you be able to accept that? Only you can answer this, and them make your decision accordingly.
Do remember that being his mistress is an option. You need to be very strong though for this to work. Many women are too weak and helpless. What kind are you?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2007): hi,i once found myself in the same situation and it was awful,because he told me from the start he would never leave his wife,so i just enjoyed myself until it fizzled out and it did as we both knew we didnt stand a chance of a future together
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A
male
reader, kenny +, writes (27 April 2007):
 What a shame you have found the right one for you and he is married. I would let this one go if i was you, invariably married guys don't leave their partners, so consequently you become the mistress, or bit on the side only seeing him when he can slip away. This is no life for you, i would seek someone who is single and does not come with a wife.
All the best x
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