A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hiya, I am a desperate girl in need of some advice. I met the man of my dreams in January last year. He is absolutely gorgeous, caring and would do anything for me. He worships the ground I walk on.In August the previous year I ended an 8 year marriage to a guy who used to put me down, cheated on me and made me feel worthless. I have extreme low self confidence anyway as I was born with club feet so I have scars all over my legs and feet from varios operations. When my marriage ended, I basically went a bit crazy. Sleeping around with 5 different guys in the space of 5 months. I was constantly texting guys as I needed the attention. Receiving messages from guys made me feel wanted (all be it only for a while). When I was at home on my own at night I would cry constantly as I felt the biggest failure ever. Anyway when I met this perfect man in January last year, I was at a stage in my life where I didnt trust anyone and with him although he never did anything to make me question him, I would always think he would leave me for someone better or prettier. So I continued texting other guys. I would flirt with them and 'sit on the fence' with regards to sex talk with them. I never physically cheated although I do no that sex texting is just as bad as anything physical.I stopped messaging guys in April as something clicked inside my head and I started to think better of myself and I basically wanted to give me and this guy a proper chance. But in June of last year he found messages on my Facebook account and to cut a long story short it took me quite a few months to admit to everything I had done ie the amount of messages I had sent and to who. He has made me print off my phpne bills and go through them writing names of who the people are, this has been hard as there are literally hundreds. Ive changed my mobile number and my email account and closed my Facebook account. I am 6 and a half months pregnant and he wants all of this cleared up before the baby is here. I am constantly calling numbers, texting from a pay as you go phone to try and find out who people are (he does no about this btw). The problem I have is because I have lied so much in the past to him and tried to cover things up he doesnt believe certain things I say. He brings up my past on a daily basis. We argue all the time where he gets so frustrated and angry. He is constantly looking over the bills and its winding him up how many texts there really were when me and him were supposed to be in a relationship.I dont really no what kind of advice Im asking really, I just wish he would give me the chance to show him the kind of person I am now and that I will make him happy. He says he still doesnt trust me 100% but does believe I wouldnt cheat on him. Please someone help :(
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male
reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (8 May 2013):
You can’t carry on like this, it’s no way to live for either of you. Texting each of these guys to find out who they are is a waste of time, it won’t change the fact that you did what you did, whether he knows the names or not. IF you both get used to this pattern of checking bills, providing names and demanding to know who you’ve been in contact with, your relationship will become founded totally on mistrust. That will make both of you utterly miserable. You need to have a frank conversation with him about this. Explain to him what a bad place you were in, and that you did things you now regret, and wouldn’t want to do now that you are happier and more fulfilled in life. Tell him that you are happy with him and your relationship together. But you need a fresh start. He can’t mistrust you because of what you used to do, he’s got to take you as you are now. If he says he believes you wouldn’t cheat, then he has to find away to draw a line under your past, and show you the trust that you would expect if he really means that.
IF you tell him you’ve made mistakes, point out that the way things are going now will make you both unhappy, and suggest you both make a clean break with the past, that’s the best way to ensure this relationship survives. There’s no guarantee, but this will require work on both sides. And you shouldn’t be forever condemned because of past mistakes. Everyone’s got a past.
I wish you all the very best.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2013): If he does not trust you to cut off all contact with other guys, well, he shouldn't. From your story it sounds like you have shown him that you are not trustworthy in dozens of instances. You may be able to regain his trust but you need to TOTALLY stop lying and it will probably take a long time. Tell him you are going to do your best to be totally trustworthy and open with him and allow him to check things like your phone bill or email. Normally a person should be allowed to keep something like that private. But you are not in a normal situation, you are trying earn back lost trust. At least for a while you need to give up your privacy if he is ever going to trust you. If he is having trouble with the fact that you casually slept with several guys in a span of a few months, that is a different problem. That is retroactive jealousy. There are many threads on this site about it. The short answer- his bad feelings about this are permanent. They will never go away or hurt him any less. He must agree to deal with it and totally accept you now, or else he can break up with you. If he accepts you then he has to agree not to throw your past back in your face again every time he gets angry for the next 20 years. He can talk about his feelings in civil conversation but he has to stop using it as ammunition when he gets angry at you. Don't tell him a bunch of details about your past. He may ask you lots of intimate questions but knowing all the answers will not help him feel any better. DO NOT LIE but rather say that you don't want to talk about the specifics.
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A
female
reader, R1 +, writes (7 May 2013):
 I think it's only time that can make this better. You need to prove you can be trusted and that won't happen over night. I'm sure you would be gutted if it was the other way round so be thankful that he has stayed with you.
You messed up, if I were you I would get rid of the phones, emails, old bills, online accounts, whatever... Just focus on your relationship. Good luck.
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