A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have been together 5 years, and lived together for 3. About 2 years ago, he moved to NC to go to school, then he quit school and came back to live with me in FL. We both decided that we would rather live in NC than FL, that was about 6 months ago. His dad (lives in NC) told us he would help us out by letting us live in his completed basement (rent free) and help us out in looking and SAVING to either build a home or buy a nice starter home. The only stipulation was that my boyfriend had to take care of his tax/medical debt first, or at least start taking the steps to do so. All he's done is talked to a P.A and they told him what he needed to do, but he WON'T take the time to do it. When I try to nicely remind him about getting started on it, he gets mad and tells me I'm nagging him all the time. I feel like if I don't say anything he will never do anything, but I hate having to remind him like he's a 5 year old, especially when he doesn't even listen to me. I feel like this could be a really big and great first step in the right direction towards our future and he's just ignoring it. Every time I ask what he wants out of life, if this is what he wants, or what he wants to do he just says "I don't know". I figure after 5 years we should be on some sort of life path, and we're not... any suggestions, help, advise would be appreciated
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female
reader, bitterblue  +, writes (17 June 2010):
 Well, I gather he is from the same age group? It's not surprising in this case that he doesn't know - what he wants out of life. Many don't, at this age, especially men who tend to mature later. You want to see him more responsable, hitting his stride and together achieving things in life and so on and so forth - a difference in thinking and in the goals you each have set for long-term. You say you are nice each time you breach the subject, while he is obviously annoyed. This shows you have a hard time trying to sort your differences, not good for your relationship. He may very much like this motion while you wish to speed things up and settle. But I must say this sounds unlikely. Maybe he is used to a little help from dad and doesn't feel it's necessary or the time to help himself and progress more. Can you blame him? No, just as you can't blame yourself for wanting something different. Time to think whether you can wait for him to mature - we can't say how much longer that will take - OR not let anyone hinder your progress towards your desires, missions, achievements, etc. Not knowing his age, but that he's financially tied, doesn't share your need to have a goal to work toward and is NOT open to discussing this, I can see you're clearly at different stages in life. He also quit school for maybe the same reason, not willing to follow a goal to the end, at least not now. Good luck.
A
female
reader, LolaCherryCola +, writes (17 June 2010):
Find someone who has an idea.You don't need to necessarily know exactly what you want out of life, but it's better to have some idea than none at all.Chances are, he's saying he doesn't know because he doesn't want to say "no" to you, whether he realizes that or not. And he may not be saying "no" because he doesn't want to hurt you, thinks he's supposed to be letting you be happy, or thinks this is the way things should be going. It's easy to get caught up in the tide of being together a long time and moving in together and getting married. There's this huge expectation, even if it's not visible in your life. It's a pervasive belief in settling down with the first person who will put up with you for longer than 6 months after you turn 17. I don't understand the phenomenon, but it's happening everywhere. It almost happened to me, and it might be happening to your boyfriend.It's going to be a tough pill for both of you to swallow, but maybe you need to live separately for a while. Feel out your options -- find out what is truly going to bring you happiness, not just falling into what seems to be a nice pattern.
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