A
female
age
,
*uvdanc
writes:I've been with my boyfriend since Feb. We met online. We are very compatible and have so much fun. We both have been married twice and have kids from both marriages. He's 47 and I'm 48. We are both attractive with many previous relationship experiences. We both have said we're tired of games and deception. We are looking for a life long partner. After dating for a few months he told me he had a 5 year old son not from any of his marriages but from a recent girlfriend. I was confused why he couldn't tell me about this son but he spoke endlessly about his kids from his 2 marriages. I met his son when we all went to an amusement park with his oldest daughter, her son and my 6 year old son. Our sons really liked each other and got along great. His son told me he would like to live with us. I didn't think much of it because he's an only child leaving with his Mom and grandparents. I asked about his son's Mom since I was accustomed to my boyfriend telling me details of his past wives. He didn't want to tell me anything. He would bring her name up while sharing stories about his family and his son and still wouldn't tell me much about her. He even went to her brother's wedding. He asked me to go out with him after the wedding. We had plan to get together around 9pm since the wedding was close by and started at 4pm. He never showed up. I didn't call because he usually keeps his cell phone in his car when he's out at social events. I called him early the next morning and he came by in the same clothes he wore to the wedding. His expanation was he got drunk and didn't want to drive. He was too embarrassed to call me. I overlooked all of this until yesterday when during a fishing outting with my 2 youngest kids and his 2 youngest kids, his son told me he lived in his father and mother's house. My boyfriend got defensive and told me if that's what his son wants to believe he's not going to correct him. I felt uncomfortable thinking that his son believed his Dad and Mom were still together. I expressed this to him telling him I think we should not see each other because I'm constantly suspicious of what he tells me especially when it has anything to do with his 5 year old son and past girlfriend. he said it wasn't much and it wasn't my business but the house that my boyfriend lives in (which he has never invited me over)was bought by him and his girlfriend. He says she doesn't live there, and I can come over anytime. He says my son lives with me, but his son says he lives with his Mom. I broke it off because I still believe there is more to his story. He told me it's a man-thing to not tell all his business, and he had it handled. He is going through refinancing the house so he can buy her part of the house. I miss him so much. I want to still see him, but I will be wondering if he is only telling me what he wants me to know and keeping enough information from me so I can't get to know the real him. Did I do the right thing?
View related questions:
broke up, drunk, his ex, met online, wedding Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (19 July 2007):
 You doing the right thing by taking all of this very, very slowly. Just relax and see what develops over time. Keep us posted, honey.
A
female
reader, Luvdanc +, writes (19 July 2007):
Luvdanc is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI would like to thank Carina for the answer to my question. She gave me something to think about.
The update is my boyfriend asked to bring me lunch for a picnic in a park near my job. He asked if I would talk to him face-to-face because he wanted to tell me everything he should have when he asked me to be his girlfriend exclusively. He explained that he felt he needed to impress me so I would get to know him before "his situation". He felt that women judge a situation before getting to know the man. His situation was a huge mistake,and he was in the process of getting out of it. He never thought he would meet someone so fast that he wanted as a girlfriend exclusivley. He wanted to just date-test the waters- thinking he would meet someone special after he got his ex-girlfriend completely out of the house. She comes and goes from their house as she pleases until he buys her out. She has moved most of her things to her parent's house but as long as her son has a room at my boyfriend's, and she is part owner, she won't give up her right to come and go. He was so frustrated with her. He got a temporary room himself that he stayed at during the week near his job, allowed his adult kids to move into the house and stayed out-of-town most weekends. He was doing that when I met him. He said he fell in love with me and knew he needed to tell me because it was just a matter of time when I would question him. He was laid off from his job. Financially he was ok, but it made no sense to keep the room during the week plus he didn't feel he should spend a lot of money going out-of-town as much. He knew that he had to tell me then because it was going to be obvious he wasn't being open. He couldn't, though. He respects any decision I make as far as our relationship but he wanted to tell me everything.
I do believe his story, but I'm not sure if I want a relationship with someone who doesn't have the courage to tell the truth because it makes them look bad. We all as humans do it. In this situation, there was no way I wasn't going to find out especially the way we were taking our youngest kids'on play dates. He constantly told me he had a simple, staple life and was there for me. (I've been going through a lot... getting a new job after being on disability from a hysterectomy that took me a year to recover from due to complications. My divorce forced me to return a few months earlier than my doctor recommended, so it has been exhausting. The weekends we spent together rejuventated me. He pampered me, and we were so happy together. I know it helped make my transition easier.) Just in the last 6 weeks he was acting overwhelmed, and he was flakey.
Today we are just talking a lot on the phone. He hasn't asked me to spend the weekend with him or even to go on a date. I'm going to take my feelings for him day by day. I want an open relationship or none at all. If he does ask,I will only see him on a morning, afternoon or evening date...no more weekends, overnights or kid playdates.
If anyone has an opinion, insight or some wise advise, I would greatly appreciate it. I'm so glad I found this forum so I can put everything on paper and get good advise in return without getting my friends involved. It helps so much.
...............................
A
female
reader, Carina  +, writes (17 July 2007):
 This is one of those really difficult situations. I can't tell you whether or not you've done the right thing, but I do know that our gut feelings are nearly always right and if alarm bells are ringing, then there's probably a reason.
How did he react when you broke up? My feeling is that if he was completely honest with you and wanted to be with you he would have proved to you that there was nothing to worry about. If he's not contacting you or trying to sort this out then I'm afraid you're probably right about him.
You could either leave the ball in his court and get on with your life, or else tell him that you miss him but that you believe you have to be completely open with each other if you're going to continue with a relationship and if he's prepared to let you properly into his life, then you'll let him into yours again. If you decide to do that then make sure you're absolutely certain he's telling the truth.
If it doesn't work out keep reminding yourself what a lucky escape you've had and try not to focus on the good times you had together. There are lots more men out there. Hope this helps a bit.
...............................
|
