A
female
age
41-50,
*gissyd
writes:how do I forgive them?When I was at school, I was bullied indecently, I dont know why, but once one started the rest followed like sheep. I have tried all my life to put those 5 years behind me, but its always there. It wasnt just a few kids either, it was 50 plus kids, if not more. I dont even remember most of them, or most of what they said, only that that they destroyed me, they made my life hell and I attempted sucicide many times then and since.even now I still have nightmares and I know I shall carry the insecurites they gave me to my grave.I was never ugly or stupid, but I was very emotional and gave my heart willingly. so was hurt very easily. I am today a very different person to the one I should be, because of those years, those kids and what they did to me. not just words but phisical abuse too, daily beatings, cigarette burns on my legs for which I still carry the scars, fresh hot coffee over my head, one of which scolded me so bad I still carry a bald patch and always will.I never raised a hand to any of them and rarely fought back verbally or physically, So I know I never lowered myself to their levels, nor will I ever.If it was one of those, I had a bad year when five kids made my life hell, it wouldnt be so bad, but it was 5 or 6 years of constant hell from what seemed like half or more of the school. I even changed schools shortly before final exams, which destroyed my exam grades and showed me I would never escape the bullies while I still lived there.So I moved as far away as I could as soon as I could, leaving family and the two only friends I had. I took a chance that things would be different and they were, I have never had any desire to go back there or make contact with those people, though I did miss my two friends.I have now joined facebook, I have made contact with those two friends, but I have also had some of those old bullies contact me! Some make no mention of it and act as if we were old friends, as if they had no part in the hell I lived through. And I was ok with that, it was fine, I didnt care. I was indifferent, feeling no emotion bar a few memories popping up.But now another one has contacted me, and she has said sorry! She contacted ME and said she knew what she had done, that she felt bad and was sorry! I told her appology accepted, but How can I really forgive her?? I cant, I know I cant, deep down in my heart, in the back of my mind, my memories are resurfacing, the mental scars are becoming fresh again, I felt a strange sense of achievment when she appologised, but then it hit me, everything came flooding back, I looked at her picture and I wanted to hurt her. I wanted to go back and lay hell into all of them. Why do I feel this way? surly the past is just that the past? why am I so angry and hurt and vengeful? I am not this way, I do not bear grudges and I wish no one harm, regardless of what they have done to me.This is all very fresh It only happened half hour ago. but I sit here typing this while watching my children play and realise how fiercly I have guarded them, moulding them so they become niether bully nor victim, knowing that they will be what they will be no matter what I do.How can I believe these people I grew up with have changed and are not playing games with me? how can I ever accept they are truly remorseful, how can I ever forgive them? those that say sorry and accept what they were AND those who pretend none of it ever happened??Wow thats longwinded, I now want to delete the lot, but I know if I do I will never get any answers. so Im not even going to read it through, SO I appolgise now for all and any spelling mistakes, this was typed fast and on the spur of the moment, not even thought through as you can probably guess from this rambling.thanks for any and all insights you may have.take care all of you xx
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female
reader, pgissyd +, writes (6 January 2008):
pgissyd is verified as being by the original poster of the question to the latest new posters, thankyou for you comments. You have no idea how much it helps to have your encouraging words and to know I am not the only one who has suffered in these ways.
Yes the temptation to write back with a string of insults, to hurt her like she hurt me is strong, but I could never intentionally hurt someone, knowing how it feels myself.
Thankyou to the last posted I feel very flattered that you think Im good at writing, however writing a paragraph or two from the heart is a little different to writing a whole book lol. Though maybe I should try, somehow I doubt I shall ever be a frank kermit or a Joanne rowling lol, but maybe somesort of scrap book I can look back on?
well, I just wanted to say thankyou.
xxx issy xxx
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2008): Pgissyd, Firstly, you are wrong when you say you can't write. You truely have a gift for words. It broke my heart to read your entry and learn what you went through. You have been through the same pain as I have and although the memories do fade over time, the scars never completely heal.My very first school only had 50+ kids as well and when the domineering kids in the grade decide to start bullying you, of course everyone else joins in for fear it will happen to them. My childhood was nothing but a hellish nightmare and like you, I never did or have done anything to hurt anyone emotionally of physically in my life - I think that's the hardest part for us to accept - that the world is such an unfair place.I was bullied because I was a sensitive person and therefore an easy target. I went through years of having things thrown at me, having any friend I made turned against me, having the kids chase me around the playground physically holding me down while they spit in my face..... I've been through it all.I would like to say my experiences have made me a stronger person, but many times I feel it's worn me down. It's not until, during a hard time in my adult life, I will think back to what I forced myself to cope with as a kid.. forcing myself into those 4 walls everyday. It reminds me that if I could show THAT much strength as a child, I can surely deal with what life throws me as an adult.There are times though when I feel worn down in my adult life and suddenly you have that feeling come over you.. the memories from your childhood come flooding back and suddenly you're 6 years old all over again. It's a real challenge for me not to throw myself a pity party at times.. afterall, they say being a kid's the "best years of your life".Last year I also joined a social networking site and had the exact same thing happen to me. I got an email from one of the MAIN bullies, apologising for her actions as a kid. I did feel a sense of achievement for a split second, but afterwards all I could feel was DISGUST. I would've loved to email back a string of insults, telling her how much I hated her for torturing me.. and how DARE she think that an emailed apology makes up for years of torture and ridicule!! I was livid, but resisted temptation and said nothing.. telling myself I was the better person.You may not agree with me here, but I believe that who you are as a child is who you authentically are as a person before the stresses and the pressures of the world change you. I know people mature and grow up, but I can't help but remember these people hurt me for no other reason than for their own pleasure and enjoyment. Feeling this way, I am unable to forgive anyone who put me through hell at school.I am usually a very forgiving person and don't enjoy holding grudges, but I consider the school bullies to be an exception. If I were to forgive these people, it would only make THEM feel better and leave ME feeling like I have compromised my values. Therefore I take it easy on myself and would not PUSH myself into trying to forgive. I know they can never undo what they did and a mere apology in my book sure doesn't take away the memories. If you feel in your heart that you can forgive these people for what they did to you, than do get in contact with them.. but ONLY for yourself.. don't feel as if you NEED to do to be a better person.You made it through your difficult childhood, you braved your way through the pain, found a wonderful husband and are raising a family. To me, you already sound like a success.. you haven't let these people destroy your spirit. I definitely think you should consider writing a book on your experiences as the other posters have suggested. It may bring some closure and externalise some of the pain you're feeling.I wish you all the best of luck. Remember that you made it through the dark tunnel and come out the other side. You are a much wiser person now. All the best :O)
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2008): Forgiveness is put up on too much of a pedestal these days. It's a great thing when something bad can be truly be forgiven by the victim, but that does not mean we have to live in a world where all sins are discounted once the guilty party repents.
That is not real life and that is not fair. It is just a further victimization of the hurt person in many cases. They not only have to endure the original pain, but then society teaches that their pain no longer matters once the guilty party has "changed their mind" about doing it. Forced forgiveness is worse than never even getting a "sorry" from the guilty party in the first place.
Real life is about emotional & physical damage often remaining and continuing to hurt for DECADES after the original incident. And even if the guilty person does repent & apologize, that does not mean the damage is even stopped, let alone undone.
The damage that people endure at young ages is so disporportionately bad compared to even severe hardships that happen later in life. I don't think that anyone is wrong in refusing to forgive that kind of bullying. Being sorry has nothing to do with what happens after the deed is done. The guilty only have the capacity to hurt, not the capacity to heal it later.
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A
female
reader, pgissyd +, writes (2 January 2008):
pgissyd is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI want to thank everyone, but I think mostly the 55 yr old man whom was stabbed.
You have reminded me of what I became because of it all, and the good it did for me. My whole life has been hard so far, and I have indeed used my experiances to better the lives of others.
I thought I needed to forgive them for what they did to me, as they would now be different people and may regret what they did and need forgivness. but you are right. I do not need to forgive them for myself, to make myself feel any better. it wont turn back the clock and I would be no different for it.
As I am not the type of person who could purposfully hurt someone, with words or physically, I guess I shall never fully understand why they did it, I would guess I still wouldnt even if they tried to explain.
So yes, I shall put her email behind me, I wont engage in any more contact with her, I havent since said emails anyway, but I will indeed put it down as more experiance.
Im still young yet, I dont know what my life is preparing me for, but when it comes, what ever it is, Im sure I shall be ready.
Thankyou again everyone. And can I invite anyone who has been bullied beaten or a victim in any way to write their experiances here, to help one another.
thanks all
love and hugs.
issy xxx
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2008): I was stabbed in the heart by my roommate when I was 23. I am now 55 and I do not feel like forgiving him. But I don't feel any anger either. I have just forgotten about him. He has no power to make me angry or scared or anything.. I do not think he deserves to be forgiven.. because he did what he did. Drugs (his) were the cause of course, but he chose to stab me in my sleep and he can never undo that. I can never erase the scar from the open heart surgery to repair the hole he created.The answer I have for you is... why should you forgive her? Why does it matter if she is forgiven by you or not? I know it is christian to forgive, but that is an ideal, and you must admit that you have molded your children with the treatment you received from this woman in mind. This means... you have added the pain of what happened into the very core of your personality. You can't just forget and forgive, without giving up the core of your memories of what people are like.Think on that. It is an important idea. If you truely wish to forgive her, you have to give up the anger and many defining properties about yourself. They are tied into the anger. If you forgive her, you partially give up some of yourself. If you can do that, it will make you a better person.. but the very act of trying to give it up (Forcing the forgiveness) simply makes it go deep inside of you and hide. You won't truely forgive her until you understand, and then forget about what they did to you. Only then will you truly have forgiven her.As for my anger? I decided to make it a constructive force in my life. I work harder to improve myself, I work harder to be kind and loving husband and father, and I understand that the anger is there. I use it like a source of energy and I make it force me to do good for other people. In that way I don't have to give it up.. I use it instead.Actually, in this way, I have mostly used it all up. I don't feel much anger any more.. just thankfullness that I lived through it and had the opportunity to turn this horrible event to some good use.Good luck.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 January 2008): There is no easy way to forgive someone.You have to trust that they are sincere and have indeed changed.The very fact that this girl even bothered to apologise shows that she is repentant in some way.Some bullies don't change. But thankfully the majority grow up once they're in the real world and their bullying tactics have negative consequences that they can't erase by simply going to mummy and daddy. It is then they realise how much they hurt you and stop thinking it was really cool.I used to get bullied. I've never seen or heard from them again.But even the guys and gals I didn't get along well with that I cross paths with these days are much nicer then I remember. I often see them down at karaoke bars in my local area and I get talking to them about their lives so far.So have a little faith in people and start talking to this person, you might find they are just as traumatised by the things they have done as you are.Flynn 24
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A
female
reader, shandygirl  +, writes (31 December 2007):
 I also was bullied as a kid in grade-school & High School. I Know that it leaves emotional scars, but it also gives you a STRONG CHARACTER which is a PLUS! You are now the kind of person who can handle whatever comes your way... without breaking down.
Bullies grow up, and it sounds as though this is the case in this instance. Forgive, and move on. Because...You are the stronger one.
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A
male
reader, Frank B Kermit  +, writes (31 December 2007):
 I am on my way out the door for NYE for a couple of days. When I get back, I will respond proper. Thinking of you.
-Frank
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A
female
reader, pgissyd +, writes (31 December 2007):
pgissyd is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi frank, thankyou.
firstly I have written a book, well several, but none of them were any good, I seem to revert back into childhood when I look back onto those years, and it all comes out as the ramblings of a child.
Im afraid I do not have the skills to write :)
as to your second point, I dont know why I told her I had accepted her apology, it was a spur of the moment reaction reply to the email. I guess I was grateful?
Thirdly, since I went from being bullied at school, and abused at home, to a man twice my age who abused me emotionally, its only really now that Im with my husband, who is wonderful by the way, that I am able to ask myself these questions, 'Why was I bullied' has always been my question, but why did I allow myself to be bullied? I dont think, or didnt think I had, I wouldnt even allow my friends to help, not that they ever tried to, as I feared they would get bullied too. Even pushing them away if things got too rough or if anyone threatened them. It was my way of protecting them, and thankfully they both understood even if they were confused at the time.
so any way, I think I have accepted there wasnt much I could have done to prevent it or even to stop it, perhaps if I hadnt reacted in certain ways and so on, but I dont think it would have made a huge difference.
I didnt allow myself to be bullied, they chose to use me as their toy. I have done the denial, I have done the self blame, I have trodden those memories so many times wishing I could change something.
All I want to do now is find away to forgive them and move on past this point in my life.
This all sounds so selfish, its not meant to, Im sorry.
As to the last point, no I honestly could not list everything I would do to prevent myself being bullied or abused again. as every person on this planet is different and all situations vary. But I do know the better ways to deal with situations if and when they arise, I know what not to do or say, And I know now its sometimes best to say nothing at all rather than run the risk of saying something stupid that can later be used as ammo against you.
Yes I do help people who are in the situations I have been in before, or I try to anyway, thats why I am on here. though sometimes I feel a little bit of a hypocrite, telling someone to do something I should have done myself, in order to help them through. I counter it with the knowledge that its one more person that wont suffer like I did.
I just wish I could cut out all the bad parts and throw it all away, like you would the fat from a roast.
I dont know, Im just so confused and lost right now, Im trying not to evaluate every move I have made in my life, but right now its very hard.
I seriously dont think I could ask any of these people how they felt when they tortured me either, or if they get nightmares sometimes of this screaming child asking for help, or if they ever feel guilt, or even if they knew or if they had any incling of the pain they caused. Im not sure I could cope with the answers they might give.
I guess I need some sort of 'closure?
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A
male
reader, Frank B Kermit +, writes (31 December 2007):
Stop apologising.
I think you need to find closure through redemption. Something that will pull the pain from inside you, and release it.
Here are my suggestions...
1-Write a book. Write down what happened to you, how you feel about it, and even interview those shithead bullies about it, esp the one that apologised. Then write about how you deal with it. This WILL lead you to interview people, and get the pain that is inside you onto paper. You will also discover people that have gone through the same thing as you, and learn how they dealt with it. I wrote my autobiography From Loser to Seducer, and it helped me find a peace and closure on my own painful past. Today, when I flip through my book, it is like reading someone elses memories, and sharing my story with others has helped others find peace, so it puts my own troubles into a new perspective. You can self publish through lulu.com like I do. It will not cost you a thing.
2-Why did you accept the apology from the bully? On what grounds did you forgive that person? Did they earn any forgiveness from you?
3-Most of the time, the pain you carry is not about forgiving others, but learning to forgive yourself, as many people feel a rage to themselves for "letting" the abuse happen in the first place.
4-Can you list all the things you do TODAY that would never allow yourself to be bullied again? Do you teach children who are being bullied HOW to deal with it? THAT will defineately bring you peace as well.
By doing the above, you will turn what is holding you back into what is pushing you forward.
I hope this helps.
-Frank B Kermit, author of From Loser to Seducer
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