A
male
age
41-50,
*aen
writes:Hi all,I just want to write something what is going on in my life and hope to have some feedback from you readers.I'm a 32 year old Dutch guy who is single for a few years now, i have been dating in these years, but i just cant find a girl/woman who realy attracts me in alot of ways. My ex from years ago were i had a relationship with for 9 years cheated on me and that realy broke my heart. I'm a guy that dont trust people very fast, and when she cheated on me that left a big scar in my heart. But i'm all over her and this is not what i want to write about.I met a girl (22) about 2 1/2 months ago at a party, we talked and she told me she is from a other country we had a nice time and she asked me for my phone number.The days after the pary we were together for hours and we realy liked each other, it was just if we knew each other for a long time.BUT.... I found out that she works as an Escort, she did not want to tell me so soon, but i found out during the time i was with her.She told me she did not want to tell me because she was afraid i would not like her because of this and she had a nice time with me.Normaly I can be a jealose person in a relation so i found out during my life and i realy hate it, that i sometimes have this problem. Its not like in a sick way but i have it and dont like it.I told her in the beginning when we were getting to know each other better, that i hate it when people lie to me or cheat on me, she told me her ex bf cheated on her and was not so good with her.3 days after the party she went on a holliday to see her parrents she told me she was back in 3 weeks, she told me she did not want to go now, because we met and she liked spending time with me. In the weeks she was on holliday we called each other everyday or speak on msn, But now she's back and there is some change we see each other and she spents the night with me once a week, and then I take her home because she has to work. I can not tell how my feelings are about this, I always said i could never be in a relationship with a girl who does this work, but now I met someone who does, and i found out to me its more important that that person is honest to me and dont cheat on me behind my back. I know it maybe sound strange because she has sex with man everyday, but i have to see it like work, like she told me. She said to me i dont have sex with these man the same i have with you. But some times i have questions about this myself. OK, I would rather have met a girl who has a different kind of job, but I dated a couple of girls in the past, but I did not have the butterfly fealing what i have with this girl.Now we still speak to each other everyday but we also have some fights about stupid things, im can be difficult but she's the same.Yesterday i picked her up, and we went somewere we talked and I askd her, what do we have now are we bf/gf of are we friends, she told me we are just friends I want to take it easy and see what comes, so I asked her a 2nd question, ok we are friends but does that meen we see other people, right away she told me NO, I dont even have time to see a other man, and I would not like it iff you see a other girl.But she also told me she did not want to see each other everydayA couple of weeks back after a small fight when she was just from a holliday she told me she wanted to have some more space from me, so I did. I told myself ok leave her be and let her come to you, the same night she called me 8 times after I said I went out clubbing with friends, then she wants to know were im at and what im doing, but iff I ask her 2 questions then she says stop asking to many questions. I confronted her with this and then she starts laughing, I told her I dont mind iff you ask me were im at or who im with I have nothing to hide, when I have a girlfriend than she is the only one(this time a was thinking we had something more) But now I dont know anymore, what do I do , I realy like her, but it makes me a little crazy that I just dont know what she wants, one time she says this and the other day its that.Also yesterday she told me about her work from the night before, she meets men who realy have a lot of money they take her out and buy her designer clothes bags, juwelry, you name it, but at this time i did not like it to much, I see she is wearing a gold bracelet she got from a client, then i thought I could never give her pressents like this, I dont make so much money, to give her all those things she is getting now. I want to treat my girl right, and give her something nice when I can, but maybe she thinks of me less iff i just give her something that is not so exspensive. She told me she's not like that but yeah its just my idea.I realy want to be in a relationship, because i have had it to be single this long. But I want a girl who feels the same about me, what i feel for her. I want trust and no lies, and i just dont know if she is honest to me in what she does and what her feelings are for me, this is what makes my head spin, and I just dont want that in my life.Ok I want to say i dont write letters so much, so maybe its a little confusing sometimes, but I have so much to say, I just cant write everything here.Maybe there is a reader who has been in the same situation, and can help me a little what i can do.Thanks
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cheated on me, clubbing, escort, fell in love, her ex, money, msn, my ex Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, ep2002  +, writes (17 October 2010):
Ok, so first I want to expand your understanding of escorts because you will get a lot of judgmental angry people bashing escorts & the escort industry. These people tend to be insecure, ignorant & just plain unhappy with their lives. They are the types that try to tell everyone else what to do with their lives instead of just concentrating on their own lives.
I'm an expert in the escort industry & I am also spiritually conscious. I have been learning about humans & relationships for the last 25-30 years.
1. Not all escorts are druggies or emotionally unstable. Unfortunately because so many people are like the type I mentioned above, when females do become escorts (and there are a LOT who do & you & I just don't know it), they feel judged, they feel insecure, they feel like they are doing something wrong even though they aren't. This helps foster any feelings of insecurity they may have already had & only expands it.
Because most (not all) of society puts these females down & tries to make them feel worthless, the emotional toll usually ends up driving them to drink & do drugs. Society likes to blame on the work, but I think it's society that plays a big part in what happens.
That's one of the reasons I'm here to help people in the escort industry, so they aren't make to feel like they are leopards.
It takes a really strong secure woman to become an escort & say "screw you" to society & their judgments. She's the unique woman who does what makes her happy in life & doesn't follow the crowd.
2. This particular escort you have in your life is in my opinion immature, but really can you blame her? She's only 22 years old. How many 22 year olds in this day & age do you know who are very mature?
3. The really insecure escorts use sex & companionship as a weapon because that's usually what they've been using their entire lives after they realized this held a lot of power because men really want them.
Saying that, this power that women have is generally no different than the power many non escort woman.
4. I don't recommend to escorts that they have intimate personal relationships with men until they've stopped escorting. It's generally (there are exceptions) not healthy for the relationship.
Also, usually (not always) when a guy is okay with her profession, he's just using her for all the money/comforts she can provide him because she makes a lot of money.
Saying that, escorts are human beings just like everyone else & they do want love & affection too.
The problem is them separating their clients love & affection with a real boyfriend's love & affection & since she's young, it's probably very difficult for her to do.
5. It is clear she is trying to control your relationship - it's a relationship no matter what either of you say. You just have to clarify what type of relationship it is.
People try to control relationships when they are afraid. People who are not escorts do this all the time, so this isn't an escort issue.
She is probably afraid you will leave her or you only want her for one thing. If she's making good money & getting all those gifts, she probably doesn't want to give up escorting, & in the back of her mind she knows eventually you will ask her to give up her career, which is probably why she says she only wants to be friends.
6. I don't suggest you continue this relationship with her. For one, you already said it yourself, you don't have the means to keep her in the lifestyle she has become accustomed to. Yes there are some escorts who can give that up to be with the man they love, but most want that constant money (who doesn't) & that's why they eventually go back into escorting even if they have stopped at one point.
I agree with one of the other posters. You are feeling the sexual chemistry with her, but if you are looking for a long term solid relationship, she is probably not the one for you.
Almost all relationships start off with infatuation of some degree or another. Infatuation doesn't sustain a relationship & never will. A good friendship, compatibility, a lot of the same interests, a similar vision of the future & a very similar view on society & life, those are just some of what sustains a relationship.
I highly recommend this book to you if you are interested in learning more about relationships...
http://www.my-book-reviews.com/2010/10/love-is-all-you-need/
We can't tell you what to do or not to do, you are the only one who controls your own life. You may have to keep trying with her, get hurt, & eventually give up in order to get her out or your system. If that's the case, ask yourself why you need to put yourself in that situation.
I know you haven't felt an interest for other women in a long time & she's sparked that in you, but my recommendation is that you work on your issues. Your jealousy issues, you holding on to the past & pain of your ex, etc. Until you work on those issues more, you won't be bringing a healthy component to any relationship you have.
I hope I have helped you.
Michelle
Exotic Publishing - Helping support people in the escort industry
www.exoticpublishing.com
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2010): You going around in circles it seems to me, NOTHING has changed, but you are asking almost the same question again,and REPEATING the same things she is saying to you, as in the first posting.
SORRY..but YOU really have to decide IF you are going to continue further with this girl - head spinning or not - she has told you, YOU are NOT he Boyfriend, yet is calling you at all times when out asking personal questions. EITHER accept this - OR has been suggested by the Agony Aunts and Uncles to MOVE ON. This girl is never going to change she is demonstrating MARKED personality imbalances - whether through her up-bringing or whatever, the fact remains she is NOT acting in a normal healthy manner relationship wise.
YOU can't FIX HER, she has to do that herself, so as I say except her at the situation, and GIVE UP asking why she says the things she does, because she's dysfunctional in some way. Or move on and find someone who THINKS SEX and RELATIONSHIPS go TOGETHER, and build a HAPPY and HEALTHY relationship.
Only TWO options I'm afraid..OVER to YOU to CHOOSE!
Good luck!
Jilly
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A
male
reader, Saen +, writes (16 October 2010):
Saen is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi, I realy want to thank you for your honest answers especialy Jilly.
Yesterday when I read the comments you left I started thinking (more) Normaly she text or calls me 2 times a day.
But when i go out she calls me more and text me about 5/6 times a night, like yesterday she text me and asked me what i was doing, i told her i was going out that was around 20:00 she asked me were I was going, but i couldnt answer so fast because i was driving my car. Later she text me: still out? So i said yes im,why? inmidiatly she called me (23:30) i picked up the phone. She asked me were i was at and who im with (in a normal way,not angry) so i told her i was out with a someone she dont know, a friend.
She: Do you know this person? and are you in a club?
So it seems she wants to know if im dating somebody else, and wants to know were i'm and who im with.
Then she askes me are there beautifull girls there? So I told her in a funny way: No there are all men here no girls. She: Ok now I feel better, she says this is a joke, but It did not sound like she was.
These are the things that makes my head spin.
She says we are not bf/gf and she does not want to see me everyday(yet) and now she still makes the date when we see each other.
But when Im out, she is constantly asking were im at if im having fun who im with. This is not whats bodering me, because i want to say it to her if that makes her feel good, but only if we are in a relationship, and not if we are just friends then i dont have to say were and who im with.(so i think)
So again im thinking am i more then a friend? because why is she asking all these questions then? The last text was around 03:40: How is the party? I did not asnwer back, I was already in bed and normaly I always text back right away, but now i was thinking no not this time. She was still up because she was working the night. But it seems im also in her head al trough the night. wondering what im doing and do i sleep home, alone!!!
These are the things you want to know when you have a relationship, i think and not if you are just friends, or what?
Thnx again for your honest answers.
Greets Saen
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 October 2010): I think your caught in her game, if she was as lovely as your heart desires she would not treat you this way, you need to leave her to her sordid life and find a woman that would love you right!
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A
female
reader, Madalo 1  +, writes (15 October 2010):
She wants to control you, but doesnt want to be controlled by you. Not fair. She doesnt even seem to know what she wants from you. Just friends but you cant see someone else? Please, this is messed up just get out of the relationship she doesnt seem worth it. She might be hot, but so what? She might be good at sex, but so what? Theres more to a relationship than that. Please, please move on. All the best!
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A
male
reader, serenity80  +, writes (15 October 2010):
If she had been showing shes wants to be your girlfriend then I would say work through the escort issues - but seeing as she isn't ready for that level of commitment with you, I'd pass this relationship opportunity by.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 October 2010): Whoa...what a predicament! And as usual my answer will based upon reality and not a softly, softly approach, as I really feel you need to stand back from this situation, as it really isn't very healthy, and certainly not the basis for a traditionally, open, honest, equal loving relationship.
You meet this girl at a party 21/2 months ago, and ALREADY you are arguing, fighting, her telling YOU, you are just FRIENDS not gf and bf..whilst she sleeps with other men almost every night, then continues to tell you, sex with them is different than with you - she needs space, and you can't ask questions, as she doesn't like it. Helllooooo, basically you have found yourself a prostitute at a party, and I know that is HARSH but I want to you to SEE the facts, as you have given them here, and what it looks like to read back from someone else, and you wonder IF you can have a relationship with this girl.
I understand you have a ' Chemistry ' with this girl, butterfly's, but you have to look at the wider picture, after 10 WEEKS it's not exactly a scene from Romeo and Juliet is it..? Arguing and asking for space, would ring very,very loud alarm bells for me, apart from the fact she has regular sex with other men. And she has told you FRIENDS NOT Boyfriend..which I have to say I find strange. Does she SLEEP, HAVE SEX with ALL her male friends ( No not the ones paying her) so whatever does she consider a relationship is??
She obviously doesn't really have a benchmark for a certain behaviour, as she clearly has sex quite freely whether a guy is paying or not - YET wants to remain at a distance calling all the shots. I just HOPE you are TAKING EVERY PRECAUTION POSSIBLE to PREVENT any sexually transmitted diseases.
The majority of women in this day and age do NOT need to become prostitutes ( YES that is what she is, an escort DOES NOT have SEX with clients) unless they have real drug problem and they need to earn money quickly to fuel their addiction. So why is she a prostitute..that is for YOU to think about.
From your question I don't see any redeeming features with this girl and I can only see YOU getting more and more hurt as the time goes on, as somehow I don't think she is going to STOP having sex with other men, and devote herself to you, and that is what YOU would really like deep down, so you have to decide IF you can live like this.
And as you're NOT her boyfriend, as she has already stated, she has even more scope for sex with other guys when she feels like it, so how would YOU EVER really be able to distinguish and be sure, of what was work and what wasn't.
Only you can decide what you are willing to condone for the sake of having this girl in your life, but what you condone now, you will never be able to go back on at a later date, remember that.
I hope you meet someone who really wants a proper relationship who will give you what you desire, want and deserve!
Jilly
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