A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hello readers,I am glad to be able to find support here.. Because I have asked numerous questions about numerous issues and have gotten strong and wonderful response which has led to me being able to grow so much stronger in my relationship. So what happened is, my girlfriend's best friend came to visit us for the weekend (I live with my girlfriend) and because they were so close, we slept together with me being on the left most side of the bed, my girlfriend in the middle, and her best friend on the right side of the bed.Her bestfriend is kinda cute, but not too cute. My girlfriend is cuter than her (honestly). The thing is, I have always been able to put myself above a woman and give her advice and support and everything, but with her I just cant find a way to get in her head. Her eccentricity and unique way of viewing things in life really amazes me.I don't really know what I'm feeling... I still love my girlfriend, but when her best friend left last night, I had a hard time falling asleep. I kept thinking about her, and I cannot stop thinking about the times when we were together, chatting. We even stayed up the whole night the day before she left, just chatting and smoking, while my girlfriend was in bed.I get a little hint that she might be interested in me as well, but because we have too much respect for my girlfriend, Im guessing we didnt exactly wanted anything to happen anyways. Although now, I cannot stop thinking about her.Please advise me on what I should do...because my heart is not beating normally, it hurts. Even though I love my girlfriend, my heart hurts whenever I think of her best friend now that she isn't on the other side of the bed anymore.Please advise!,the situation
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2016): Ok this sounds selfish but biblically we were able to have more then one wife back in the day. So it's only natural that men feel this way towards certain females. I have been in this situation and it kills me that I have to hide my feelings because I'm naturally a loving person. I truly believe I can love and properly treat one or more caring Beautiful female with the upmost respect and security that they need. Is this behavior excepted now. No! So I have to choose one that's my main first love sweetheart. Is it hard yes. What keeps me going is knowing that in our next life we will not be tied up to one person. But probably be more able to be the loving creatures that we are. For now we are all human and can try to be most civil as possible.
A
male
reader, Codizadfa  +, writes (8 June 2016):
Yolo all the way man I know what your going through I'm in a similar position myself Boone else could possibly understand the way it feels to have your heart ripped between two amazing women but I say yolo if your crushing on another girl maybe your with the wrong one go for the new girl she may be your true love but you won't know if you don't take the shot
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A
female
reader, DeeLicious +, writes (24 February 2011):
Ohkkay if you really loved your girlfrined you wouldnt be dreaming on about her bff. First of all what was she doin sleeping on the same bed as you guys , thats just weird? And honestly in my opinion if i found out my boyfriend had strong feelings about my best friend i'll be crushed and heart brokend. So i say forget d other chick and stay with your amazingly gf u hve now (:
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (24 February 2011):
 You want them both to live with you? Don't entertain the idea unless you allow a fourth guy in. Otherwise it would be all about you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionyou don't understand...it is easy to say that you can only love on person, and if you love more than one person, that is not love... but in my case I know how much I really love my girlfriend and yet at the same time, I really want to be with her best friend as well..I just wanna hug her tight.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2011): You must not really love your girlfriend and as far as I"m concerned you are emotionally cheating on her, which is far worse than screwing someone on the side. IF you really loved your girlfriend you wouldn't have thought about her best friend that way or even fathomed the idea of being with her. It seems as though you keep your heart open to other options even though you are in a committed relationship.
There are two things to do here. 1. Focus on the amazing qualities of your current girlfriend and get over this other chick.
2. Break up with your girlfriend if you can't committ to her but DO NOT ASK HER BEST FRIEND OUT!
Remember this quote "hard dick weak mind" If you try to get with her best friend you will ruin their friendship forever.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2011): "being able to grow so much stronger in my relationship"
You don't sound like you are strong in your relationship, in fact it sounds like you are having problems.
"I don't really know what I'm feeling."
Young kids call it a "crush".
"I kept thinking about her"
Again, a crush or "infatuation".
"just chatting and smoking"
What were you smoking, seriously, and were you drinking?
"I cannot stop thinking about her."
This is called an emotional affair, although it may be one-sided still. These are huge danger signs in your relationship, and this is how affairs and infidelity begin.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your responses..they were very constructive, and I received different perspectives on my situation, although I would like to add another fact.My current girlfriend is the one that I love most, I intend to marry her and even has a tattoo of her on me (which I would never ever do to any girl) we have been through a lot of rough patches, and because she had such a difficult life growing up as a kid, I always feel obliged to be there. I dont know how to explain this, but it seems like I am attracted to people who need my support, and I just only recently realized that her best friend too had a very difficult life growing up when she was young.Although I know that I don't exactly Love the best friend like I Love my girlfriend, I just can't stop thinking about her. Last night is the third night I had trouble falling asleep since the best friend left. And when I'm in the car, I look at my rearview mirror all the time, because that was how I would steal a look of her eyes when she was here.I know that I will never leave my girlfriend for her, and mock me if you would, as selfish as I sound, I want both of them to live with me, just like when she was visiting for the weekend.
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A
female
reader, animexcoolness +, writes (23 February 2011):
This is a really difficult situation you've found yourself in. I think that you should really evaluate your feelings towards both girls. Sometimes we get used to something so anything new introduced into our lives seems a lot better than it actually is.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2011): you cant be in love with two people. if you fell in love with two people, choose the first, because that means you never really loved the second. i think you should just wait and really think about it. if you loved your girlfriend, then why would you be having feelings for someone else? ESPECIALLY her best friend...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2011): You are stricken by cupid which is normal, exciting, real life, usually awesome, but in this case not awesome at all.
Your girlfriend has given so much of herself to you, that you ought to have so much respect for her that you will fight this off as if your life depended on it. Her sacrifices of time away from others, money, emotional support everything she's given you, have earned your honor. Honor her love by being true to her. If you can't... then you probably aren't with the right person.
It would be one thing if your gf was your ex from 5 years ago. But the fact that you live with her right now, gives you the obligation to be committed to protecting her from this type of pain. If you are capable of feeling so strongly for another woman, you probably are not so committed to your gf so you should perhaps leaver her, let a couple years pass and then see if the other woman comes back into your life some how.
It isn't fair to your gf that you are not committed to her but stay with her knowing that there is someone out there who is likely better for you.
True love is partially the ACT of loving and respecting someone (as opposed to just the FEELING of loving and respecting) and the ACT of COMMITTING to them and remaining faithful to your promises. If you cannot do these then please leave your girlfriend. Do not EVER tell her about your feelings for the friend as she will be crushed unnecessarily. What's it really gonna do for you to confess to her? Nothing good will come out of that but clear you of your guilty feelings. Spare her and let your guilt eat you and you alone.
I think you should seriously consider leaving your gf since you are clearly not so committed to her.
You CAN go for the other woman after some time has passed. (I would recommend 2-4 years) [[I know that's a long time but hey if you were meant to be together forever, then it'll still happen years later]] And I did get with my best friend's ex from 6 years ago. they were together for 4 years. I never told her yet, but we dated for 6 weeks and were very passionate. Turns out he was the jerk she always described. I am happy with myself and remain loving to my friend. But so glad I didn't have interest in him until 6 years later, glad she hasn't found out, and glad I thought long and hard before I chose to get with him. I cried over it when contemplating whether to go on a date with him. So I know how you feel! Try to think of this as you fight it off for now... people lose the loves of their lives, parents, children, siblings without ever saying good bye. and they NEVER get to see them again. If they can live happy healthy lives without that person, you surely can live without your girlfriend's friend.
Those thoughts worked for me very well during the 6 month pursuit my guy was on. I did give in 6 months later after a HEAVY puruit on his part, but it was a difficult surrender for me. At least 6 months post-breakup will buy you some time.
Don't be a coward and stay with your gf knowing you cannot be committed for life, then cheat on her, and then leave her only AFTER you have sealed the deal with some other girl, after you've put said girl in position to catch you and take care of you after the fall out.
Don't be a coward. Face the inconvience & pain of the breakup NOW while you don't have to deal with the anger and hatred that will ensue if she learns of your intentions with her friend. The pain of a straight breakup is much less then the pain of being cheated on, left for another woman, and especially being left for your own friend. I'd rather be broken up with than be cheated on AND broken up with AND left for the other woman.Always remember that for every woman you are ever to be with. :-)
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A
female
reader, TeaLady +, writes (23 February 2011):
 Break up with your girlfriend FIRST before telling the best friend you want her. Do not cheat on your girlfriend. If you do it will end badly for all of you. By the way, don't expect the girlfriend to give you and her ex-best friend her blessing if you two hook up.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (23 February 2011):
We all conform to social norms of loving only one person because it makes life simpler and drama free. We by nature, are able to love everyone unconditionally. The marriage institution, the domestication of partners, makes love very limited. It is indeed very painful to repress your love for the sake of keeping your girlfriend. When I was 19 I realized that I fell for another guy. I cried in front of him. Hard. Explaining that I had a boyfriend. He just looked at me and understood. Then those tears turned into a smile. I didn't feel guilty at all. It felt very natural for me. It's not that your friend is interesting or that she got close to you that night. It could be anyone when you get that chance. Yours is a growing pain, a realization that you are not really free to do what you want in this life. Unless you are brave enough to see if a polyamory lifestyle is better than what you have, if you have the patience to look for someone who wants this also, when it's just so much easier to be everyone else.I am not telling you what to do because life is a mystery and it has many possibilities.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2011): sounds like you dont love your girlfriend i suggest dumping her and going for the friend and if she isnt interested it isnt a loss because you obviously dont love your girlfriend and you dont know her bf good enough to have even developed a strong relationship. tell both of them your feelings and continue from there hopefully your gf wont be too upset
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