A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:A few months ago I met a couple who were friends of friends. Since then, I've spent increasingly more time with the girl and guy, while they're together and while they're apart, with others, and just on our own. I've developed what I feel is a pretty meaningful relationship with both of them individually, but definitely more so with the girl.She started confiding in me as to how she still cared for her boyfriend, but only as a friend, and how she was no longer attracted to him. According to her, the only reason she hadn't broken up with them was that they live together and that she didn't want to hurt him, but that they hadn't had sex in eight months.She started flirting with me more and more, until one day we kissed, and the next time we saw each other, did a little more. I didn't sleep with her, however, and I told her this was wrong, and that if she really cares about her boyfriend, she has to be honest with him.She broke up with him the next day, and we both agreed that she needs to be on her own for a while. I really care about her, however, and want to see her on romantic terms, and the feeling is mutual. My question is threefold:First, I haven't talked to him since she broke up with him, but I feel like I should at least contact him and apologize for how everything turned out, since I realize how wrong it was to have gone behind his back like we did. How should I approach this situation?Second, is there any chance at all of salvaging our friendship? Or is that entirely out of the question?Third, am I under any obligation to the girl to ask what her opinion is as to whether or not I contact him? I don't think so, but would it be the right thing to do if I want to be with her?He really is a great guy, and I feel absolutely awful about this whole thing. I don't know if I should feel guilty about this or not, since she didn't break up with him for me, she did it for herself.Any insight would be greatly appreciated, and thanks for reading :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI should mention that she told him that we had kissed while she was breaking up with him.
I think brklynsis81 has a good point about wanting to do this in order to relieve my own guilt more than about making him feel better, although it also has to do with clearing my name -- I don't want him thinking and telling others that she broke up with him because of me.
I'm also not eager to jump into a monogamous relationship with her, and I don't think she's eager to jump into one with me, either. I'm thinking we need to talk to each other before I do anything.
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female
reader, BunnyTee  +, writes (18 May 2010):
 Ahh yes, I am SO appreciative of q's tact and sense of delicacy, it rivals my own...he's right y'know...
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2010): one thing you will learn in life is this- some boundaries should never be crossed. And you did with your friends girlfriend. this was utter betrayal and i hope she was worth it. i have my doubts but anyway.....i think you need to dhow that you are a man and have a talk with him. only a coward messes up someones life and then hides away. so if you want to salvage some pride you need to be man enough to admit your wrong doing to him. admit that you crossed the friendship line and that you know what you did was wrong. i think you will be rubbing salt in his wounds to expect him to be still be your "friend", after all a friend doesn't destroy your life. time may heal his pain but right now it is about you learning to do the right thing. and that is speaking openly to your friend.
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reader, TimmD +, writes (18 May 2010):
 If you really like this girl, I think you should put her first and foremost. Her friendship, her EVERYTHING, first. If that means your friendship with him is damaged, then then so be it. It sucks, but things don't always work out the way we'd like. If you do decide to talk to him, do so with her knowing. Be honest with her from the start. That, again, is putting her first.
But just for the heck of it, put yourself in his position. How would you feel if she just dumped you and your friend approached you this soon afterwards. I don't know about you, but I wouldn't like it. Not that I'd be mad at the friend, but the thought of ANY other guy with her would suck.
In the end, it's just going to take some time. Time to let this all settle down. But no matter what, put her first. Once you two are comfortable with each other, you can try talking to your friend with her permission. At that point he may be over her and things will be easier for everyone.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2010): It depends why she told him she was breaking up with him. She may not have mentioned you at all. I now go out with my ex's best friend, I spoke to my ex about it before anything happened and he wasn't cool with it but he wasn't going to be a dick about it either so my ex are I are still good friends but there friendship suffered and not because his best friend is with me but because he wasn't honest with him about it. just be honest but not in his face, maybe spend some more time getting to know the girl before you jump into a relationship with her. If he wants to stay friends, awesome but don't expect it maybe the bestyou can hope for is to walk away with the girl knowing he doesn't hate you. Don't feel guilty the break up was not your fault and if they hadn't slept together for 8 months he probably saw it coming.
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reader, BunnyTee +, writes (18 May 2010):
Sounds as though the water is rather muddy right now. I'd let it settle and clear up and then reevaluate. I applaud you for having a conscience and for evaluating your behavior, though.If you know for a fact that you didn't influence the girl's decision and had no hand in it whatsoever, then I agree you have no moral obligation to ask her opinion on contacting him.I think you'll need to be the sole decider of that. Are you compelled to be honest with him in this out of a need to confess/clear your conscience or what? If they've broken up and it's a done deal then perhaps you should seek out another source to confess yourself. What's it matter now? Discretion is the better part of valor so it may be more advisable to keep this to yourself and spare everyone the drama. What purpose will it serve to tell him now? I'm thinking it'd be alot like adding insult to injury. It's not as though you're carrying on an illicit affair behind his back.....I think you should keep it to yourself. Plus, if they reconcile, that could cause you many more problems in the potential future. Just talk to the guy, it's not like he broke up with you, is it?
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reader, brklynsis81 +, writes (18 May 2010):
 Sadly - I think this is one of those situations where you picked a side, and now you have to stick to it. I seriously doubt that the ex-boyfriend would want to see you much at this point. Talking to him would really be about relieving your own guilt, not making him feel better. My advice is to stay away. If he is interested in maintaining the friendship, he will reach out to you. Otherwise, better to let it be.
It sounds like you are taking the right steps in your relationship with the girl. Best of luck to you!
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