A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: I am wondering if I am married to a narcissist? I have been with my husband for ten years and I have never cried so much in my life than I have in these ten years. When someone says you are lucky to have the wife you have or your wife is beautiful instead of agreeing or taking it as a compliment to him He gets irritated with me and says "when is someone going to say that you are lucky to have me?" . Or he says "ok ok we all know you are beautiful do we have to hear it all the time?". If the kids and I aren't praising him for every little thing he does for us then I hear about that. Or if the kids give me credit for anything he gets mad at me.He is always feeling sorry for himself oh woe is me attitude 90 percent of the time. We are very blessed we have a beautiful home have little to no debt and we don't struggle financially yet he complains constantly. I don't understand why he can't see or refuses to see how blessed he is and frankly it is starting to wear me down to the point I don't want to try any more because nothing is ever good enough. I can't talk to him about this because he immediately gets offended and starts listing all the things he does for me. I know what he does I tell him I appreciate him all the time I wait on him and take care of the house 100 percent. When he comes home from work his day is done I don't expect him to do anything and that is one way I show my appreciation. Even when I do work outside the home also I take care of the house 100 percent. My day doesn't end at 5:00. I have no one to talk to because out of respect for him I don't tell my problems to family or friends. I know I am not perfect and that marriage is a two way street but I also know I try hard to change if I know I am wrong and he stills gives me zero credit. He will say something completely rude to me right in front of someone and If I get upset he says I am acting this way because it is almost my time of the month. It's never his fault. I could go on and on. He has his good points also but right now I am so beat down I am having a hard time musting up what I like about him. I try to make his birthday or Father's day special for him I put a lot of thought into the gifts I buy him and the meals I know he likes but he tells me that the gifts I buy him are selfish and that I buy them because I wanted them. Thanks for reading my rant and any advice will be appreciated .
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2016): He is emotionally abusing you and is most likely a narcissist. The phrase 'nothing is ever good enough' did it for me but everything you say points to it. BUT 'out of respect for him' you hide it (and your pain) from people that care about you. You have reached out to us here (and it was not a rant). That is a start. Here is my advice which is based on my own marriage to an abusive narcissist for 15 years. Start to keep a diary somewhere very private of the things that happen - everything. Every comment and every situation and how you felt. This way, not only will this help you process what is happening but you can measure it and reflect on it over time to see the frequency because this kind of stuff once in every few months is one thing but every week... every day? No - that's definitely abusive. He has no respect for you. You might also need it to talk about things in the future and this diary will help. I would also read a book by Lundy Bancroft - you will find it with a quick internet search. There are other books out there and some really good websites which might point out things that help you clarify your situation and how to think about your future and what you want to happen - for your happiness. Nobody should be affecting your life this negatively - you deserve better. By the way, if reach ever closer to the feeling of leaving then you will need to make a really good plan for yourself - financially and in terms of where to live. Abusers can be very manipulative.
A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (25 July 2016):
Like you said, marriage isn't something that can be perfect so it would be best to have marriage counselling. After all, we can't ask about his view point, which is already dangerous when you want to give advice to help someone. It definitely be in your best interest to find some friends for yourself.
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A
female
reader, fishdish  +, writes (25 July 2016):
 I don't know if he's narcissistic, I don't know enough about narcissism, but he is definitely manipulative, controlling and borderline emotionally abusive.
These behaviors should have been nipped in the bud years ago, but it sounds like you have not, or have not known how to, stand up to him. You need to be able to have a voice in this relationship, and I hear you saying you do all these things silently-you take care of the house which implies how much you care for him, you don't bring your marital problems to your family out of respect for him (did he make this rule?). Are you "allowed" to tell him you're unhappy, and think you two would benefit from counseling, or is that some kind of slight against him?
If he won't join you, do it for yourself. I think that a counselor could still provide you with the tools you need. I would anticipate that his not joining you at counseling will create more dissonance for you though; by that I mean, the more healthy ways you interact with him, the more obvious his ways will not be, and your changing without him could result in more conflict. I don't know what other people think, but I think if I were in your situation, I'd have to have some kind of turning point time, where if things don't get better by a certain time, you move on.
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A
female
reader, singinbluebird +, writes (25 July 2016):
 He does sound like a narcissist, and an uptight unappreciative jerk. I'd say show him your anger. You sound really sweet but a guy will push boundaries until you show him you do have one. He just sounds like a downer overall. Stop crying and stick up for yourself If you're not happy, I say leave him. If you love him and won't leave, you really have to change inside out for this man to see how beautiful you are. And by that I mean you have to stop TRYING to put on this façade that everything's okay or that what he does or say doesn't have consequences. Yes he's hard working man and may be stressing to keep his life perfect but you gotta show this guy you can do whatever you want too. You can talk to friends or family, go out, you can let the house be dirty once in a while, you can be angry, you can be beautiful, you can be selfish, you can be kind and forgiving and everything. You can be what you are and you shouldn't have to cry or feel bad about it.Stop acting the victim, because you are so much more than that. Good luck.
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