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36-40,
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writes: Hello,I feel very guilty after I watch porn. I typically only watch it once every few months, so it is by no means a habit or addiction. I have been single for a while, and don't feel comfortable with random hookups, but I do get rather sexually frustrated. I did talk to my therapist whom I am seeing for other circumstances, and she indicated that I (definitely) have a lot of sexual guilt, stemming from my family making sex taboo, shaming me for any urges or trying to question and keep tabs on me when I was even in college relationships. I am a Virgin still, so I think part of it is that occasionally porn and masturbating help relieve that frustration, but I feel gross and bad about the infrequent times I have done such things. Spiritually, I do believe porn is wrong for me to watch but believe masturbation is ok. I don't mean to offend anyone- just my personal beliefs. The therapist mentioned that I could just engage in some friends with benefits sort of thing with this guy I've been talking to for a while, just because I trust him and it would fulfill that need. But I don't feel right doing that- not because of my parents, just because of my personal morals.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (12 May 2015):
 Abnormal ? you are not abnormal, OP- it's not like in the past 3000 years or so, women have been much encouraged to express a free, guiltless sexuality !...whatever religion they followed.
Anyway, I am piping in just because I thought the same as my astral twin Honeypie : questionable advice by your therapist, it makes philosopher Kant turn in his grave , lol. The guy who said " Act so as to treat people as ends in themselves ,never as mere means to your ends ". Indeed , this is not some obscure, high brow philosophy, it's the simple ,common sense thing that any sensible parent would teach their children to raise them as reasonably decent people .
Of course a therapist is not , and it's not supposed to be, a teacher of ethics, yet : be a better person than your therapist, OP :), stick to masturbation .
As for watching porn, maybe mine is a simplistic advice, but if it makes you feel bad, why don't you just stop ? You are not addicted or anything, and your life can go on happily without porn, so might as well. NOT that you have to feel guilty or dirty if you do, but... it's like wearing , say, tight shoes or shoes with too much heel which make your feet ache ; don't wear them ! , problem solved .
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for the support!! I appreciate you all taking the time to help me! I don't feel so abnormal now.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionLol I am catholic- but it wasn't the church I went to- more my parents (specifically mom) that made me feel this way!!
I definitely don't want sex to be a wife chore. It should be something we can both enjoy!!
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male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (11 May 2015):
 Are you Catholic? That outfit can make you feel guilty about just about ANYTHING!!!!!
Good luck...
P.S. You will NOT "go mad"... nor will you "go blind"....
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (11 May 2015):
 So stop watching. Start using your imagination to masturbate.
I think your therapist is giving you questionable advice in saying you should do some FWB... How does that FIT in with your faith?
It's NOT uncommon for women to not feel "right" about porn and/or masturbation, because that is how society wanted women. Sort of teaching girls that SEX isn't about THEY enjoyment, but a job for a wife.
Well, it ISN'T.
But if the porn makes you feel disgusted afterwards, I'd leave out the porn.
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male
reader, Garbo +, writes (11 May 2015):
 There is nothing that you have to apologize for. If anything, it's the irreligious ones, who boast, who should apologize for their pride. Anyway, you are healthy because you seem to have a good moral grounding, sensing that sex is something that is done not random but with the person you love and as the expression of it. You should not feel bad but you should celebrate that you have a correct moral compass and understanding of what sex is and should be. Just because others are loose and claim they "enjoy" it from random people or are "on the right side of history" and claim that there is an alleged "moral relativity" to sex... it does not mean that you should jump off their cliff. If porn watching produces negative reaction in you then do no watch it. In fact, porn, latest research shows, creates abberated neural connections in human brain such that they misfire but leave, over long period of time, these bastardized neural connections that affect the human negatively for the rest of his life. When you don't watch porn then you don't create these abberated neural connections in the brain and you stay healthy. So don't fret. You are great and you have the right sense of what sex is about. Seek out a good man that will treat you right and give you love, and that you can give back. Sex is the greatest within that context, context of love.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 May 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you llifton! I guess I would feel better with the guy than porn because it's more real and I'm not watching someone else's experience? It feels like less of a violation? I'm not sure exactly if that makes sense. Thanks for your kind words. I hope to work thru de stigmatizing sex. I have to say, it was way more my parents than church putting that guilt on Me!
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female
reader, llifton +, writes (11 May 2015):
 I've had friends experience this same type of shame. They had families guilt them and shame them, as well, growing up, for having natural sexual urges. It turned into many adulthood sexuality problems for them that they eventually had to overcome and work through. It took a while because it's hard to relearn something that was so pounded into your head for so many years. But it is possible.
In a way, I can relate, but in a different way. Religion and culture always tells you being gay is wrong and an unnatural urge. So when I became an adult and discovered I was attracted to women, I felt this same sense of guilt and shame you describe. It took me years to finally accept and relearn that there wasn't anything wrong with me.
The way to do that? Time. It will just take time. Like I said, it is possible to work though, but it will take time to change deeply embedded thought processes you've had since childhood. I would start by some basic desensitization techniques, like masturbation without porn usage, since you said this really doesn't make you feel that guilty. Then work your way up to using porn, if you wish, and try to keep reminding yourself that you're not doing anything wrong. Eventually, you will start to believe it over time. That is, if you want to work through this stigma you have against porn use and sexual gratification. I was unclear as to what you were really looking for as a solution.
In a way, I have to admit, I do find it hard to understand that you seem to be more okay with the prospect of sex with a guy who would be friends with benefits before you'd entertain porn and masturbation. One is much safer practice and eliminates all risk of pregnancy. But I'm not questioning your beliefs. I hope you find some peace of mind. Human sexuality is a completely natural thing. Just remember that.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 May 2015): Hi
You seem to know your own mind. I would not be comfortable with casual sex either, I never have been. You know that about yourself too. You believe that masturbation is fine, so do I, and countless others would agree.
You have a problem with watching porn. Are there any other ways you can get turned on to relieve yourself until you meet the man you will have sex with? Remembering what you have watched? Erotic fiction? Thinking about what really turns you on? Good for when you do meet someone....and you will. Be the director of your own porn movie in your mind, the biggest sexual organ is the brain. What would you want to happen?
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male
reader, lawncare  +, writes (11 May 2015):
 Guilt isn't something that a simple banding together of paragraphs in the disguise of advice can remedy. Guilt becomes ingrained over time and culturally and environmentally-embedded. It measures the distance between what we think we should be doing and what we have done. Guilt depends on on how tight your morals are and how much adherence to them you think you must maintain.Regardless of my semantics, here's a practical take on your position. Masturbation requires stimulus. You cannot orgasm to a beige wall. And as a virgin, you have little in the way of reserves. You may have a memory bank full of excellent erotic episodes, of distinct images that provide you with a little sexual ammunition, but the fact remains that when it comes down to actual sex you have no frame of reference but a whole lot of desire to release sexual energy. That isn't an insult and I have no interest in your moral or spiritual outlook (in the nicest way possible!). You need something to jumpstart your motor and pornography fulfils this void amply. I too feel a pang of guilt at browsing pornography but I recognise that more wholesome options are not always at hand.Other people feel this guilt too. You can bypass it to a certain extent by watching pornography in which you are sure has conformed to some kind of personally-satisfying ethical standard in its manufacture. And you can realise that the social stigma afforded to pornographic performers is a hangover of a previous time and that now more than ever, porn actors are healthier and more stable and see their role in your sexual landscape with a clear mind.I can't really offer any advice on whether you should 'fulfil your need' with some person you are talking to because I am sure he is a person with feelings who might not want simply to act as your fulfilment engine but want something longer and more engaging. My suggestion: talk to him directly about this. It seems that therapy is helping you and I am sorry to hear that you have familial issues that have negatively impacted upon your sex life. It is common and you are by no means alone. There are issues here deeper than this website should realistically try to offer therapy for. But in short; don't feel guilt over your very occasional 'vice'. I am sure your virtues outweigh it.
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