A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Heres the scenario I need advice on. I'm to the point that I don't know what to do anymore.Ive been with my guy for a couple years now. And in the past he has messed up and cheated on me by having sex with another woman. As well as lying to me and hiding a second phone to allow him to talk and chat with woman online. When I had a gut feeling he was up to no good I investigated things without him knowing. So I wouldn't just come to him yelling and accusing him he was doing wrong if he wasn't. I wanted to make sure I had the proof right in front of me that he was doing stuff he shouldn't be. I got that information in no time. And when I approached him about the information I found out he looked me in my eyes and blatantly lied to me and I knew he did. But he didn't know I knew about things and gave him another chance to say his answer to me. He once again lied to me. Thru time hes messed up on me a few times and Ive been stupid as my friends say by staying with him. With time I did kick him out to his parents house to allow him to see how his life would be without me. Doing that I thought would open his eyes on everything. After a little while I allowed him back thinking he has had time to think it over. He has changed from being that lying player now only a one woman man. My prob is how do I get over the past actions he has done to me? He's messed up my self esteem and I gained a little weight due to the depression he put me thru. The way I get over problems in life is by talking about them and find out why things happened. But when I approach him to talk about his actions in the past he gets ticked off and starts yelling at me about "bringing up the past". He said hes forgotten all about what hes done and trying to live for the future not the past. I know I can't change what happened in the past. I just want to know what I was lacking that made him do those things to me. We never argued at that time and had the BEST fairytale relationship while he was doing that. Now things are so much different. How do I just "get over" stuff like that like he says. I need to make my life right.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2015): Now that's what I'm talking about, girlfriend!
We all have faults. Nobody's perfect, and we don't change overnight. Consider him a work in progress. If that progress is too slow, or you don't see him changing in the areas that benefit your relationship the most. Do what a woman has to do.
Be ever mindful, talk is cheap! Actions speak louder than words. It goes two-ways. Listen if he's willing to be open and honest with you. Change in ways that you can contribute better to the relationship, if you feel it deserves it.
God bless you, dear lady!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAll your advice has set in me & has gotten me to think hard & deep within myself. It made me have a real heart to heart with him yesterday. I poured out my heart & when he tried to interrupt me with his words, I just looked at him and told him " shut up!! Its MY turn. You didn't care about my feelings back when you were doing what you were doing to me so I don't care if what I say to you right now hurts your feelings."
Ive gone thru a lot in my lifetime to make me become the strong woman I am today. Ive grown more & more of a backbone with each passing day. I told him that Im not afraid to be alone & I know I would have no problem finding another man if I were to break up with him. Ever since 5 yrs ago when my fiancé ( father of my now 5 yr old daughter ) was brutally murdered by 2 friends of ours I had to grow up overnight & grow my backbone.
Yes I know im not perfect. Ive messed up in my past too. I told him that its easy as you stand there as the "effector" to say for me to just get over it. But me as the "effected" cant just get over it. Its a lot harder. If I broke some ones heart the way he did mine then yea Id want to forget about it too. He said he wants to help me thru this, but he doesn't know how since he doesn't have the answers for me to help me have closure to it all. But he has in time finally realized what kind of woman he has & hes fallen in love with me after realizing this all. My prob is, yes I love this man but Im not IN love with him like I used to be. I tell him I wish I could allow him to truly feel the pain he has given to me for no reason... but im not an immature ass who would do something like that. Im better than that. So he took all I said to him yesterday in consideration & told me he wants to make everything better cuz he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. SO he made out a list of things he thinks he needs to change in the relationship to make us better. And he gave himself a deadline date to make it all happen. If it doesn't happen by that date then we will done for good. No more chances.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2015): We receive posts from many lady OP's in their late 30's and over complaining about lousy boyfriends. They are the hardest to advise; because they don't heed the advice. They simply vent their frustrations and return to their dysfunctional relationships. They appreciate receiving sympathy and empathy for their dilemma, and try to survive on that alone. Well, I don't let you go without giving you something to think about. I'm on your side.
I speculate the reason many just stay stems from being a mature woman. They are more likely to put-up with the dysfunction in their relationships for fear of having fewer options, and blaming that on their age. The sad reality is, the relationship ends in a breakup anyway. He usually decides he's had enough, and finds someone else anyway. Thus the cheating. He's searching for better than what he has. He's tired, bored, drained, with the old routine; and looking for someone different.
Many of these poor aging women accept the worst men into their lives. It's one thing to deal with problems in a marriage. That's totally different. You've vowed for better or for worse. It's much more complicated and the commitment is legally-binding. Finances are intertwined, and there is the custody of children and division of property to be considered.
When the partner is just a troublesome or cheating boyfriend, that is simply "settling." Settling for whatever; only because you don't want to get back out there in the dating scene and start from scratch. So you stay with liars, cheaters, guys who spend your money, and don't talk to you to resolve issues in your relationships. They condescendingly show you phony kindness, pretend to be changed-men; or just sweet-talk their way out of trouble.
He has not changed. He doesn't want to talk about what he has done; because he wants you to dismiss it. In simpler terms: "shut-up about it already!" or "just get-over it!"
You don't put yourself first. You simply "need a man" in your life. There's little advice you can offer a woman who believes that. Well, you're paying a high price for very little. Then you delude yourself into believing it's all good. If it was, you wouldn't have written your post about it. Blaming it all on yourself. There's two-sides to every story.
You're depriving yourself of peace of mind and happiness. Which,let me remind you, you must provide for yourself. You don't expect it from others. You build your own happy life first, and you invite others into it. Then you build a life together in a partnership. You "both" have to have something to bring to the table, in order for a relationship to grow and flourish. You'll always have problems and disagreements. You endure through the challenges when things are on a strong and loving foundation. Not when it's lop-sided, and you're doing all the work.
You've given-up searching for the right man, and you're settling for less. You shouldn't "need a man." A strong woman doesn't "need a man." Male or female, you want to share your life and the happiness you've achieved on your own. That's what we seek partners for. You're doing all the giving, and he's just taking it; until he finds himself a better replacement.
You "get-over" stuff, by pushing the garbage out of your life; and making changes that benefit and enrich your quality of life. Like I said before. Your better judgement isn't convinced keeping him was the right choice; thus you can't just get-over it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2015): OP, can I say something, because two things really resonated with me:-"by asking what I was lacking that made him do what he did to me."- " kicking me when I was already down"YUP. I have been cheated on and the EXACT same words + ACTIONS were used by said cheater. HE also DEFLECTED- i.e. he avoided talking about it. Why? Because talking about it made HIM feel GUILTY so he would rather PILE UP THE guilt on ME, than face the music.I get this now, but gosh, it took me so long to get it + I was feeling really down and like I don't have options because of that "kicking you when you're down" that you describe.In my case that was virtually: "Why did you cheat"? : "Oh, because she was fitter and younger than you".So he was blaming my physical appearance for HIS cheating ways. This subsequently caused some body confidence issues etc. that I'm not sure I'm over and done with even now.My point is: maybe you do NOT need an answer. If the answer is as cruel as the one above, HOW does that help you???It might even create more problems for you.What you need to understand is that: he needs to JUSTIFY himself to HIMSELF. Not to you.He can't properly justify himself to you and he knows it. So he shifts the blame. Also, that ways is better for him coz he can wake up in the morning, look in the mirror and think "OH, I did this because of X, Y,z. It wasn't really me, something pushed me to do it".Now, what's the alternative to that??? The alternative is: waking up, looking in the mirror and thinking "Shit, I'm a monster/ a really bad guy". NO ONE wants to think that of themselves.Including rapists. Hence the flimsy excuses of rapists such as : " Oh, but she was wearing a really short skirt. I couldn't control myself and that made me do it". Now, how is the girl wearing the short skirt guilty that HE could NOT control his desires?It's an extreme example, but both instances are sexual and in both cases one party does something that THEY KNOW will hurt another innocent human being. In the case of rape 1) an innocent woman. In the case of affair/cheating 1) an innocent woman, who much like in the other case DID NOT want to be hurt.But she was. Emotionally, not physically+emotionally like the other victim, but you still need to understand that NOTHING you could have done would have STOPPED him from cheating.He is his OWN man. Making his own decisions. He is responsible for them.You are your OWN woman, making your choices + responsible for them. I only have one question: how long will you let him to continue hurting you emotionally?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2015): I can see by your responses to those giving you advise that you intend to continue destroying your self esteem and remain with this man. Write back when you are able to look at the truth in a rational manner.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you guys for your input. But Mr. Lawncare I want to make sure you know that even when it was during the time he was acting up, I did try to talk to him about it but he even then would turn around & snap at me for even talking about it. So I honestly haven't ever had a time to ever be allowed to talk to him about it. If we did talk about it back then it wouldn't be much of an anchor to me now. But it seems like he made it worse by "kicking me while I was down" when I would try to talk to him about it when I first found out about it all. So it was pretty much like: allow the crap to happen to me even though I didn't deserve it & Im not allowed to speak about it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe's tried to become a better man & be there more for me since hes moved back from his parents. Its only when I bring up the past that he gets ticked off at me. But I tell him its my hurdle that I he caused that I need to get over to bring back the old me. But he gets upset cuz I bring up the past by asking what I was lacking that made him do what he did to me. He says that he cant answer my questions due to the fact that hes forgotten what has happened back then. And with all the life stress he has with the his bills & his kids, and kids mother that me bringing up the past just overwhelms him & it causes him to snap at me. He knows its not fair to me but he says he wants to help me past this big hurdle he caused but doesn't know how to since hes forgotten most of the messed up past hes caused. He doesn't know why I cant just get over it too? I told him every person goes about their problems in life differently to get over or thru them. I talk the problems over with whom ever caused that problem to me. So that way I can get closure to that problem & be able to get over it. Am I wrong???
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 May 2015): You're a mature woman approaching 40, so old habits are going to be hard to break. Your relationship really isn't offering you what you need, and the guy you care so much about really isn't what you're pretending he is. He's a jerk, and you don't trust him.
You had to play detective and caught him with two phones. You kicked him out, and he had to move in with his parents. Then you moved him back in, like he was a three year-old you gave a time-out. So he learned what life is without you? Not really. Who wants to live at home with their parents after being kicked out by their girlfriend? Especially when he's well over 30, and has no place else to go? There is no such thing as a "fairytale relationship." That implies it is all "imaginary." He cheated more than once. He's a liar.
You can't get-over what he did in the past; because your "common-sense" and better judgment is telling you that you should have kicked that loser to the curb and moved on. Logic is going to keep nagging at you until you realize you can do better.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 May 2015): HiYou said 'the way I get over things in life is by talking about them and find out why things happened'. You are asking how you can JUST get over it. Well, obviously, you can't JUST get over it. And neither could I. I would need to talk about it too, if I wanted to stay and work things out. He knows that this is a reasonable need, but doesn't want to be held accountable for what he did, or explain anything to you or discuss it in any way. You can't make him. But you can realise that his attitude is extremely selfish. Imagine the scenario the other way round. Say you had cheated on him and he wanted to discuss it and find out why you did it? Would you in a million years say to him 'Just get over it, I have' ???Imagine what a horrible person you would feel by doing that to him, but this is how he's treating you.I understand that by him being so lovely in the beginning makes it hard for you to let go, but you described it perfectly as a 'fairytale relationship', because with some guys that's just what it is....NOT REAL. If it was, he would consider your feelings and discuss this with you and try to make you feel better and trust him again, rather than just telling you how to feel.You want to make your life right? Kick him to the kerb and find someone who deserves you and who makes you happy. He is not the be all and end all, there are plenty of men out there who know how to behave and treat you with respect. If you stay with him and allow him to treat you this way, then you have no respect for yourself.He won't make you happy. Be strong and good luck. Btw I've done it. Finished with someone I was still in love with because they didn't treat me right. Terribly hard to begin with, but when you start to feel better (and it doesn't take long), you get to feel power over your own life and stronger, because you didn't let someone else tell you how to feel!! Good luck xx
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A
male
reader, lawncare  +, writes (11 May 2015):
 It is difficult but my advice is curt and straight: you have let him back into your life and closed the door on the chapter of your relationship where he was cheating. It is therefore unfair to keep opening that door in order to beat him down and suppress what chance you have of happiness in the present. The conversations you enjoy having to get past things should have already taken place and be mentally filed away. Many here would advise that you should never have taken him back, and perhaps I would count myself amongst them. But you have and you would be better committing to that wholeheartedly. No half measures. He is forgiven and back or he is unforgiven and out of your life. The halfway house between the two is a dark and depressing place and there is no going forward.How do you get over it? Time. You commit to a choice and wait it out. You'll hurt and suffer either way. I can't lie to you and pretend that sitting on your anger will be easy. But if you want to make it work then that is what you must do.I am sorry to hear that the depression resulted in some personal problems. Right now it seems you need a shot in the arm for your self-esteem and whilst you have placed your faith in your present relationship, why not double down on the things you have? You say he has changed, that he is now a monogamist - why not use that as a springboard for making positive change? Your esteem should flower in the strength of what you have, but instead the lack of trust is strangling the root. I'm not condoning his behaviour, but you're sadly not allowing yourself a shot at the happiness you feel you deserve. Be kinder to yourself.
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