A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I left an abusive relationship a few years ago. I had to return my car because I couldn’t afford it. My mother gave away my dog while I was at work starting a new job. She claimed the dog tried to bite her. I had the dog for 6 years and she never showed a single person any aggression. I still have dreams about my dog to this day and deal with guilt that I didn’t provide a stable environment. My aunt returned a car I had gifted her during my better years. It was a 22 year old car on its last leg by the time she returned it just to help me get on my feet. My job requires a lot of driving, about 50-60 miles a day. My old car left me on the side of the road 4 times. One time was on a highway with no shoulder and the other time was in a neighborhood that’s known nation wide for its crime rates. My family refused to help me. They also have won a significant law suit after they crashed one of my cars several years ago. My mother was awarded the most at 150,000 as she was injured. Of course my insurance rate tripled, not that my family cares. Last Christmas they gave me a bag of shampoo, a towel, body creme and the like that you can find at any pharmacy. I felt like it’s something you donate to a homeless shelter. I thanked them despite my shock. I got them decent gifts. I spent 100 per person. Well, I finally got back on my feet. It took 3 years but I have a new car I bought last year but its almost paid off because I try to live frugally and sent extra payments I’m No longer renting a room (had a roommate on drugs, not easy to deal with but I had no money) and have my own apartment. I tried to stay with my mother but she was unhappy with me there and a mean host. Back to my current problem. My mother has asked me two times to get her a designer purse this Christmas. It is almost $2K. I am angry. So angry I bought it for myself. Not sure I even want to keep it after losing it all and so it’s still in the box. She also asked me to co-sign on a house she can’t afford at Thanksgiving dinner. I said I’m buying my own house. So she’s mad at that. She thinks I owe her for letting me crash with her. I paid her overdue bills while I was there. She gets government help so her rent is like 1987 rates. She also gets my father’s retirement money which I convinced him to give to her bc they were divorced. Of course I don’t get credit for that either. How do I handle them? I got them regular gifts. I know she will say something. I feel She does not deserve such a pricey gift especially after how I was treated. Plus she can buy one of her own! I’m mad and feel used.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2021): If you can get the money back on the designer then I would return it to the shop as it is a symbolic gift and not something you wanted or needed.
The gift you give to yourself is to stop carrying the burdens your mother gives you.
Maybe the designer purse is a small but expensive way of reminding yourself that.
You have every right to be happy and mothers sometimes don't realise when they are unfairly burdening their grown up family.
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (16 December 2021):
 Sweetheart, nobody can make you feel guilty without your permission. Stop giving your mother permission to make you feel guilty - about ANYTHING.
You know you are a good person. You know you have treated your mother well. You know the way your mother has NOT treated you well and has taken advantage of you.
Decide that, as from this moment, you are going to stop letting her manipulate you. Your own life needs to take priority over this selfish woman's capricious demands.
Well done for getting back on your feet. You were in a tough place but fought back and rebuilt your life. You have strength of character. Now use that to your advantage and stop allowing your mother to live rent free inside your head. She is not a good tenant there.
YOU decide how you want to spend your hard earned money. YOU decide what presents to buy for people. YOU decide where your priorities lie. Your mother will just have to suck it up. Yes, she will pout and try to make you feel guilty but - as I said - she cannot do that without your permission.
Stay strong. Live your best life. Make your own decisions.
If I were you, I would get rid of the purse as it is just a reminder of your hurt. Return it if you can. If not, sell it and give the proceeds to a favourite charity or treat yourself to something you do want. Start to make your life about YOU.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2021): Wiseowle said it all
"love cant be bought,it comes freely and unconditionally.As for your mothershe is being ungrateful!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2021): P.S.
Return the purse, and get a refund! You don't really want it. You bought it because you want to bribe love from your mother; but deep in your heart, you know you shouldn't keep it...or give it to her.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2021): You should buy your mother the gift you've chosen for her from your heart. You should wish her, and your father, a Merry Christmas. You might as well let your mother pout and complain as much as she likes. The answer is "no-go" on co-signing on a mortgage. Not because you're being spiteful, or ungrateful; but because it's an absurd request.
Your parents can't offer you love under special conditions. They can't lay guilt-trips on you; when they want you to purchase homes, or over-priced purses. You shouldn't even feel pressured, when you know they can't force you to do it anyway. If you gave them whatever they asked for; and they still make you feel bad, or don't treat you right. Then what?
You can't buy love, and it's not love you get when you buy people things. They may, or may not be, happy you did it; but that won't suck love out of them. Love comes freely, and unconditionally. You didn't ask to be born, you didn't get to choose the parents you got; but you're grateful they've taken care of you when they did.
Be respectful of them always. Set your boundaries, and enforce those boundaries. Show them what unconditional-love looks like. Even if it sometimes has to be seen from a distance.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2021): So stop letting them use you, stop visiting them, stop speaking to you. You are the only one who can stop this by stopping contact. AND the real reason you bought that expensive purse is to give it to your mother, not to keep. So stop kidding yourself. You are angry with yourself for doing it and you were stupid to do it but you still did it. When you get very angry towards your mother you say this purse is for me, when you calm down you intend to give it to her. She has trained you to put up and come back for more of the same. Making a fuss and moaning about it here will not change the situation. Your family have no reason to change it. Only you do and only you can.
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