A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hello everybody i have a huge problem. I met this guy while home on winter break. He lives in New Jersey and I go to school in Florida. We dated and basically fell in love with each other. I love him very much and care for him deeply. I went back to school and i am very busy. I am a molecular biology major and will be getting ready to go to medical school in a couple years. He tells me he wants to stay with me and that he has never met a girl like me before. According to him I have changed his life and motivated him to stop smoking, get a career and get healthy again. He is so proud of the fact that I do so much and that I am very good at what I do. The problem is the distance. I live in Florida. He lives in New Jersey and I only come back to NJ once a year. He calls me all the time and i never have time to talk much. I have told him that I dont know how much longer I can hold out on this relationship because it really drains me to have a long distance relationship. However, I love him but I dont know what to do. Today we got into a fight because I told him i need a little space to get my work done. He began crying over the phone and basically begging me to stay with him and that he understands I need to study a lot. I havent been able to study in three days because of this and I dont feel free at all. I did poorly on my molecular chemistry quiz today because i am upset. I dont want to hurt his feelings but I feel I cant break up with him because he is not going to be okay. I want him to be okay because I love him but I love what I do more and getting into medical school means more to me than having a relationship with someone. He tells me he is willing to move wherever I go and that doesnt bother him. He tells me I am the one and he feels true love for me. Last night he called me up balling and very worried I am going to dump him. He was a wreck; telling me that he knows I am going to dump him and saying that he will miss everything about me. Then he was crying about my score on my chem quiz. Saying that he needs to break up with me because he is affecting my schoolwork. But he doesnt want to because he will be crushed and all alone in the world. I want to break up with him because i need my space but at the same time I love him to pieces. I care about him and dont want him to go down hill and back to doing drugs.What should I do? I feel trapped in this situation and at a loss about what to do. My academics mean so much to me but I really dont want to hurt his feelings.
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crush, drugs, fell in love, long distance, trapped Reply to this Question
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male
reader, BigPenis  +, writes (23 January 2009):
 I say continue your education...I mean, biology isnt a simple field, if he really loves you, maybe he can wait till you finish your studies, why is he crying, assure him that your not going to break up and you need a little more space to get your work done.
A
female
reader, sparkleworks  +, writes (22 January 2009):
 Having actually gone through the exact same LDR+med school combination, I can tell you that PunkyPippi's advice is spot on. That kind of situation is stressful enough without adding his intense neediness to the mix. It's okay to 'need' someone when you're in love, but that level of dependence really isn't healthy... especially if he has a tendency towards risky behaviours. I think you need to focus on both his and your long-term happiness rather than just trying to placate him temporarily.
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A
female
reader, PunkyPippi +, writes (22 January 2009):
 You need to put your life first and not the life and happiness of someone else.
I know that's tough to hear because you love him, but he is now addicted to you because he traded his addiction for drugs for an addiction to love.
If you all stay together, this is something that will hang over your relationship forever, and you must be willing to confront that for the rest of your lives together.
He may go back to using, but if he isn't strong enough to survive this, he would not be strong enough in the future for any long term relationship because any time something went wrong, that threat would always be there whether untentional or not.
You have a tough decision to make, but please do this for yourself, and not for him.
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