A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:Dear All, I feel trapped in a complicated situation - I feel as though I am only living half a life. I am a black-British woman (50yrs old) living and working in Austria for 10 yrs. My then husband (white-British), son and I moved here for his job. We divorced in 2010 and now I would like to move back to UK. I talked to my son (13yrs) about moving back, but he refuses, unless all three of us moves back to the UK (we share 50/50 custody of our son). The problem is my ex-husband refuses to go back, and told me son they would not see much of each other if my son were to move back without him (my son now believes this wholeheartedly, even though I have told him it's not true). His father says he is happy here and in a 2yr relationship with his girlfriend, he has bought a house and he says he has no intentions to ever return to UK. One friend suggested that my son has made his choice and that I should leave my son with his father, and move back to the UK and let him know he is welcome anytime and for as long as he wants. I feel I could never leave my son and move back to UK without him, he is only 13yrs old. Perhaps when he is an adult at 18yrs old this will be a possibility, but until then, I feel a child needs their mother. But at the same time, I feel as though I am not having a 'life' because of where I am.The racism in Austria is subtle but evident. There are not so many single eligible black men here for dating, and it is difficult to meet 'local' sincere eligible men to date, and who would date a black woman. I am an attractive woman, but even so, I have been single for 7yrs, I feel so lonely here. I guess it doesn't help that I do not speak the language very well due to my working in an English speaking company and so all my friends, aquaintances and sociallising are mostly with other ex-pats and English speakers. The quality of life is good here, and I remind myself daily that I am lucky to have a job, my health, and able to feed and clothe my child and myself - but what about emotional/spiritual happiness. There also needs to be a good balance between monetary, emotional/spiritual and physical happiness. All I know is that for the last 3yrs I have been feeling lonely, sad, and sometimes a bit depressed - (but then I tell myself - who's to say I will not feel sad and lonely if I moved back to the UK - but at least my family are there, and I am in my native country and speak the language).I hope I do not come across as selfish - I just feel there should be more to life than this. I am at a loss as to what to do.Has anyone had a similiar situation, what did you do?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2012): I m not surprised to hear about their racism.
I stayed in Viena for a month, that was a long time ago, with 2 year old daughter. And I would spend lots of time in parks with her, talking to people. I was an immigrant and a Jew. They didn't like both of these facts:). When I recognized that I was actually having fun be sure to let my occasional encounters in a park know how Jewish I'm and see their reaction. One of them even was trying to reassure me that there is nothing wrong in being Jewish.
They don't like anyone, even themselves.
But back to your situation. I think you need to be a little more firmer than that, and be more assertive with your son. You are his mother and he still is very young! And he needs to listen to his mother. Your husband has a new life with his new girlfriend, thats fine, but you want to go back, and have every right to do so.
Everything g is close in Europe. There are trains and planes that within an hour you can fly from one country to another. Yes, it will cost more money for your husband to see your son, but o well, he moved you to another country, now it's time for you to go back.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDear All,
Thank you for your comments. I feel I have to do something, I am feeling less upbeat day by day. Sometimes I cannot sleep, and I have gained some weight.
Aunty Bimbim -
On paper we have custody of our son 50/50 (because he cried and begged in front of the judge and made me feel guilty, so I compromised and agreed) but I have the final decision on important matters. Our son lives 1 week with me, and 1 week he lives with his father. We live in the same town so it has worked out very well and conveniently for all three of us over the years (since we seperated and then divorced).
When I was first divorced (2yrs ago) I spoke to my lawyer about leaving the country and moving back to the UK, she suggested that I keep my job, and try to intergrate successfully here (as standard of living is good here, and UK was in a recession with fewer and fewer jobs) as my son was already in school and speaking the language. I have tried to intergrate, but it's very very difficult. I have a few good female friends who are Austrian, but the majority are all expats.
Just to give you an example; I started chatting to a local man on a dating website and we met for coffee, he said he himself prefers to date black women, and the last woman he dated was a black woman and an ex-prostitute. He admitted to me that alot of his friends all assume black women are or once were prostitutes, and are looking to marry a passport - just like that! This is the attitude I am up against.
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A
female
reader, Foot-In-My-Mouth  +, writes (22 July 2012):
 I don't think you can be a great mom if you feel unhappy all of the time because you're living in a country where you don't belong, where you're reminded that you don't belong and which makes you lonely and sad. I think you should move back, if you manage to find employment in the UK. Your son, if he lives with you, will have to move with you, or decide to live with his father. I think his father must have brainwashed him so that he could live conveniently with his girlfriend and also have his son around, sparing no thought for your predicament. But living in unhappiness for 5 more years makes no sense to me. Consult a lawyer in the UK and move back home.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (22 July 2012):
 Find a lawyer in the UK who specialises in family law. Your son is a citizen of the UK so it makes sense to seek UK advise rather than Austrian. You don't tell us of your circumstances, which could impact any advise I could give, or even advise a lawyer could give.
It sounds as if your ex husband has done a number on your son, and hit him with a guilt trip.
Here are the questions you could be asked:
Who gave you 50/50 custody, was that court awarded? Who does your son live with most of the time? How do you support yourself, are you employed? Will you be able to support yourself if you move back to the UK?
I can understand you must feel torn, to be alone and lonely in a country where you feel unwelcome due to the subtle racism, and wanting to leave, but not wanting to leave your son.
You need to seek advise, a lawyer may be able to have something put in place where your son lives with one or the other of you and visits the other. Austria is not so far away after all.
If you can afford to return to the UK and then either visit your son, or fly him out to visit you regularly that might be the best way to go. This is why i suggest you seek legal advise, a court may order your ex husband to pay for your child to visit you.
I do hope you will be able to find some sort of resolution, don't give up, and I would most certainly not advocate you sitting around becoming more and more miserable for the next five years. Check that out with a lawyer as well, as I have a feeling the children's wishes are taking into account earlier than that, and your son, once faced with your departure, might change his mind.
Get the lawyer, put the wheels in motion, get armed with as much information as you can on what you can and can't do and move on from there.
good luck!
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A
female
reader, BondGirl72  +, writes (22 July 2012):
 I disagree with your friend. Your son may want to stay in Austria now, but he is a 13 year old and that age can be very fickle. You may move back to the UK and he could decide that he doesn't like Dad and Girlfriend and may miss MOM. He is still a child. Like you said, it may be more of an option when he is 18.
Why can't your son move with you and then occasionally fly him to see his Dad?
Do you have a lawyer who could advise you in this area? I know you said you have 50/50 custody, but usually mothers have a better chance on taking on the child-rearing responsibilities. If you already have a lawyer, I might start there. Maybe another one of the aunt's have had this experience or know of someone who has and can advise you better.
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