A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I've asked a question similar to this a while back, but didn't get a response and some new stuff has come up... so here I go again. And thanks ahead of time to those that readWhat do u think? What would you do if this was you?I have been with my boyfriend for a little over 3years, and it has been Long distance (2hrs away). I love him, but I feel my love has changed. Last year i found out he had been talking for 3 monthes to another girl online, saying he loved her and not me, asking her to get naked, ignoring my calls to talk to her, etc. I was devastated when I found out, and broke up with him, which only lasted about half a day because he threatened to KILL himself if I didn't come back... He claimed it was a joke and to this day does not understand why I got so upset. My love and trust has never been the same sinceOther stuff has happened sine that, but moving on to recent events. I found out about 2 weeks ago he was trying to get back in-touch with his first serious ex; he said he was just wondering how she was, yet he asked for her number, said he still loves her in a way and thinks about her a lot. It just really hurt my feelings. But I haven't brought it up cause i get sorta scared when he's angry. And not to sound immature, but Valentine's Day is coming up, and he's not spending it with me--he has NEVER spent it with me the whole 3 years we've been together-- He has went out and partied with his friends instead each time. And all i want is to have spent time with him, no gifts or anything pricey. I think its understandable to be mad, right? He's a jealous guy, has just dropped out of college with no plans for the future. He talks quite often in a baby voice, which is cute now and then...but not the majority of the time, it drives me crazy. I feel he tries to control me. He likes to drink alot and often. He has told all of his family that we are getting married one day. If I'm with friends when he calls he expects me to ditch them and talk to him, but I feel that is rude. If I ever mention a guy has talked to me, he gets mad and say i'm going to cheat, which I never have.I just don't know how to leave him. He thinks everything is great...but the things he has done and the way he has treated me is taking its toll. I know he'll threatened to kill himself and right now he's depressed and has anxiety, which he has started to take meds for So I feel him hurting himself is a greater risk than before. He talks about marriage everyday and i used to want to, but I don't think I would be happy or get to follow my dream as he expects me to be like a 50's wife... waiting hand and foot on himi feel trapped. If he ever harmed himself I would feel guilty the rest of my lifethx. and sorry for rambling. just so stressed
View related questions:
broke up, depressed, immature, jealous, long distance, trapped Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your great advice and reassurance. You are al right that I can't be responsible for his happiness; if he is not happy with himself or the rest of his life there is no way I can improve it all. And in the end, I think he would be happier also with someone else, though that may take him some time to see.
I can relate Elenea, though you have went through more than I did... my bf tells me often that I'm the only good thing in his life, all he has going for him. I think a relationship is about sharing a life, not giving up yours to the other. And I'm sorry you feel that you are heading into another such predicament. you can post again on here if u want, maybe we can help each other?
perhaps i will use the info that he's trying to get back in touch with his ex as a way to start the breakup.
I'm going home this weekend for my mother's birthday, so i'm going to wait after that because I could see him coming, making a big scene and just don't want to ruin her weekend
Thanks. I'll post again when I do try
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your great advice and reassurance. You are al right that I can't be responsible for his happiness; if he is not happy with himself or the rest of his life there is no way I can improve it all. And in the end, I think he would be happier also with someone else, though that may take him some time to see. I can relate Elenea, though you have went through more than I did... my bf tells me often that I'm the only good thing in his life, all he has going for him. I think a relationship is about sharing a life, not giving up yours to the other. And I'm sorry you feel that you are heading into another such predicament. you can post again on here if u want, maybe we can help each other? perhaps i will use the info that he's trying to get back in touch with his ex as a way to start the breakup.I'm going home this weekend for my mother's birthday, so i'm going to wait after that because I could see him coming, making a big scene and just don't want to ruin her weekendThanks. I'll post again when I do try
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2011): Do not be blackmailed by him. He is trying to manipulate you. He will not, most probably, committ suicide - he sounds very unstable even to think of it. You are a free person. Just end it. He will survive. But you can't stay with him under these circumstances so be strong and take control of your life.
...............................
A
female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (13 February 2011):
 He sounds extremely controlling and inconsiderate.
He gets jealous if you even mention another man, yet allows himself to contact his ex, talk to other women, etc.
YOU are not responsible for his mental health and well-being. HE is. If he were to harm himself, that is his decision, not yours.
You have no obligation to remain with him if you feel trapped - and in fact you need to seriously think about ending it. The other poster who is married with four children is right.
...............................
A
female
reader, Elenea +, writes (13 February 2011):
Believe me... I've been there, and I'm almost there again.
Your story is almost identical to mine with my ex-husband, except he went into the military and we did get married and I moved 850 miles away from home for him.
He wouldn't let me go to school or work because he didn't want me to be around other guys. He was constantly chit chatting with his internet girlfriend, talking to her on the phone all locked up in our bedroom.
He spent all our money, he went over seas and cheated on me, had serious anger management issues and was an overall abusive and destructive person.
Now, I tried to leave him 4 times before I actually did it for real. Every time he told me he'd kill himself if I left him, and that I was the only reason he didn't drive his motorcycle off the bridge every day.
You know what? Almost 4 years later and he's still alive and is just as much of a jerk as ever. You CAN get out of that. Those threats are just ways to manipulate you to stay with him. You do NOT want to spend your life like that and you probably don't want to spend another day of your life like that. After I left I was finally free. It was a huge relief. Even though everything had changed and I had lost friends... I gained new ones and have lived a good life after that. Except I'm on my way right back into the same predicament.
Maybe it's hypocritical of me to tell you to leave and be happy and think about your own happiness for once when I can't even strike up the nerve to do it again. I did once, but it took me two years.
He accuses you of things that you haven't done probably because he thinks that if he's done it, you probably will too. That's how a guilty mind works.
Don't let some no-good bum destroy your chance at having a wonderful life. We all deserve better than that. You probably have friends that are telling you to leave him too. You want out, but you want reassurance that it's the right thing to do and you're scared that he'll hurt himself. I'm telling you now that that threat is just his way of controlling you and is empty. He says it because he knows it works. Get out of there. It's scary but it's worth it. You'll never regret it. Being single is fun. You have all the time in the world to find the right kind of guy for you.
Marriage isn't worth it. Don't let him poison you. Prepare yourself and tell him that you're done. Block off your emotions until you're alone or with a friend. I felt like a complete b**** when I left my ex, but it was great. I felt relieved afterward.
Don't show him weakness and don't let him convince you to come back. Don't give him hope and once you've made your decision, stick with it, even if it's tempting to change your mind. You deserve better than him. And you can leave with a clean conscience. Don't let guilt be his chain to you any longer.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2011): i feel bad for you. it sounds like you are stuck between a rock and a hard place. i can actually write to you about this from the perspective of your boyfriend. i was in a 5 year relationship with my ex when she decided that she just fell out of love with me. unlike your bf though, i always treated her with nothing but love, respect and i treated her like gold and never once even looked at another girl. she was my first love and i still consider her the love of my life. i was going through a depression at the time, so i think my ex struggled to break up with me for that reason because she knew how in love i was with her and said i was a wonderful person and did not want to hurt me. in retrospect, i think she had met someone else and was having an emotional affair. the heartbreak and depression that followed were some of the worse times of my life. i just lost my love for life and didn't care if lived or died because i had planned my whole future with her. i could not eat, sleep or feel any joy for a very long time. but what i learned from this experience, as painful as it was, is that no one is responsible for another's happiness. you are responsible only for your happiness and not his. only he is responsible for his happiness and his actions. he cannot expect his happiness to come from you or anyone else for that matter because that is an unfair and unreasonable burden to place on anyone. if he hurts himself or kills himself, that is his fault not yours. i know it is hard to feel that way because you sound like a caring person, but it's like anything else, he is the one who is control not you. and if he is a decent person, he would want you to be happy. to this day i still love my ex, but i want her to be happy, so i let her go. secondly, i think he sounds like someone who does not appreciate you and who is rather thoughtless and disrespectful of you. i am not a jealous person, but i think if i caught my gf talking to someone else and asking them to get naked, that is too much. i don't mind people having friends with the opposite sex when they are in a relationship, but he has crossed the line by what you have described. i also don't think it is unreasonable for you to want him to spend at least one valentine's day with you. he has 364 days out of the year left to spend with his friends, surely one day out of the year isn't too much to ask. love is not just buying gifts, and writing bad poetry and all that, it is about spending time with the one you love. if he doesn't spend time with you, it shows me that you are not on his list of top priorities. if that is ok with you, then stay with him, but it doesn't sound like you are happy.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2011): I think that you should take a good look inside yourself and think of where this relationship is going. You feel trapped now? Consider how trapped you will be when you ARE married, and have kids. I have been married for thirteen years and I have four kids. I can not begin to tell you how trapped you will be. Every woman with a family is. You need to be sure when you start that family that it will work. I know it will be hard, but try to put aside what will happen to him if you do break up. Honestly, suicide is the most personal choice anyone can ever make. That is his choice, not yours.
...............................
|
