A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:i am married for 7 years and i have 1 child. its been some years now that i accidentally saw a message sent by him to his unamarried colleague 'kisses everywhere'. we had a fight over this and he told me that nothing is happening. it was just a stupid msg. even though i didnt believe this i left it behind because of my child and because he never trully gave me anything to doubt him. thus, over the years, when the conversation was leading to her, i was starting a fight. he is still close friends with her since they work together, she knows almost everything of our personal life. she doesnt call him or send him msg or vise versa, and thats strange considering they are so close. and whenever we are all three at the same place they are acting as 2 relatives. discussing this with him he told me that he is like this because he knows i dont like her and he doesnt want to give me any reason for fight agaib. once he told me not to tell him with whom to be friends with. also, he doesnt have her mobile no on his mobile, and he gave me the excuse that he doesnt store the numbers he knows. how come he has mine then? again, we had a fight over this. he told me that i got obsessed with her and i am too jelous of her. what sort of thing is this to say to his wife? what sort of relationship do you think they have? what shall i do? i need to say that i am a pretty good looking woman and whenever i dress nice for work he doesnt like that. i am feeling there is something wrong but i have no proof. i know for a fact that if he was to see a msg in my phone he wouldnt let me continue friendship with a man. what i cant stand its both of them considering me that i am stupid and that i do not know anything. your advice, views, anything is more than appreciated. Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, HonningKanin  +, writes (14 October 2009):
 Ok I have read your post and this is the break down of what is happening here. You are jealous, you have become obsessed and you have made it perpetually worse for yourself by constantly scrutinising the things he does without realising why he did the thing he did.
Firstly, you need to stop feeling threatened by her. Your husband married you and so I assume loves you. You sounds like you have very little trust in him and so are not giving this relationship you have with him the foundation it requires for a healthy happy one. If you really dont trust him, why are you torturing yourself by staying? The excuse of "I stay because of my child" is a very bad and here is the reason why. Your child needs a happy healthy environment to live in. It is unhealthy for a child to have two parents fight around it because remember you and your partner are this childs example of social behaviours.
Your insecurities of him having a female friend is destroying the relationship. You really shouldn't be telling your husband who he can and cannot be friends with. That is controlling and he does have a right to tell you to back off.
His actions are pretty expected if every time the topic of conversation leads to her, you and your husband have an arguement. He must dred it and want to avoid it like the plague. With that attitude it is very understandable why he would not talk on the phone with her, text her or even have her phone number in his phone. He doesn't want to give you a reason to fight with him. It is very reasonable to see why he would act around her the way he does when its the three of you in one place because he knows you are watching and again he is just trying to avoid an arguement. Imagine if he was friendly around her and would banter like friends do. You may see this as flirting, because you are already sensitive to her presence and threatened by her, and that could just be too much stress than its worth for him.
Remember there is several lines of proof that can prove your partner is being unfaithful, but no matter how hard you search, there is no proof that can be gathered for his fidelity. Thats why you need trust.
I would advise you to look at your marriage and ask yourself why you dont trust him. If he has never given you and reason not to, why do you still not trust him? Are you that affraid of getting hurt by him? 7 years is a long time to be with someone whom you dont trust. I think maybe you and he should visit a marriage counselor and work on the very foundation of your marriage. Deal with your insecurities and find ways in which he can booster your confidence in him and your own self esteem. These things are what are lacking and are what you should be really focusing on. Not her.
HonningKanin
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 October 2009): You are not stupid. Tell him to stay away from her or you. If he pick her then, you better know he has something going on with her. So, leave him. You probally you have to let him choose he want you in your life or her.. Good luck. Don't let him play with you fool.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 October 2009): He's FOS. He's cheating. And if he isn't yet, then he at least wants to do it. If you are indeed married, then he needs to re-evaluate the commitment he made to you: forsaking all others. I would definitely go to counseling with him, and I would confront him on all of this stuff with a counselor present so that you have a 3rd party verifying for you AND him what is WRONG with what he is doing. Once two people are married there is no such thing as separate friends. That's crap. Marriage is a commitment to one another and no one else. The fact that you have a child together made me suggest the counseling solution, otherwise I would have told you to get divorced. Because there is a child, then I suggest you trying to get him remember his commitment to you and the value of that. If he does not get it, then he is not living up to the promise he made to you. Which makes him a cowardly man, and a vain one at that.
...............................
A
female
reader, YourDestiny11  +, writes (14 October 2009):
 Wow...that is bull crap! It definately sounds like they are having an affair or getting around to it! You have every right to wonder or be mad or worried! I would put a stop to their "friendship" asap! If he wont then you should probably leave him! If he agrees to too easily you should probably still be a little suspicious because whos to say they actually did stop! You might want to try marriage counseling also! Good luck!
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 October 2009): Honestly, this sounds a bit innocent. Had you "caught" him doing something with tht firt text message, he would have dropped her pretty quick. The fact that he defends her hints that he truly is friends and doesn't want to loose the friendship. My husband and I have gone through this - both of us having friends of the opposite sex that frustrate the other. In the end, we had to turst each other. I gave up guy friends and I made him give up girl friends only for both of us to find out that there was NOTHING going on at all besides missing a friend we were forced to give up. Try to relax. Keep your eyes open for anything unusual but try to be cool with the idea. Tell him you don't like feeling this way and you don't like overreacting so you're going to get better and you think doubling with this other woman and her husband/boyfriend would help you do that. Go out and don't let their inside jokes bother you. Ask them to fill you in! If they have to stop and explain every single one they will either get tired of it and stop telling inside jokes OR you'll be well enough informed to crack inside jokes with them and keep everyone laughing!BTW, my guy friend has a girl that is one of those "flirty" personalities. It makes his wife VERY mad but he puts up with her anger and doesn't write this other girl off because he thinks it's unnecessary to be that mean to someone he's not interested in at all. Trust me - from one pretty girl to another - just showing up so people can SEE who your hubby is married to is intimidating enough! She's not going to try anything. :)
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 October 2009): you are not a stupid wife. you are an observant wife. that is the difference!even if you do not have any proof. trust your gut. it rarely lets you down. seems like he is deliberately trying to hide his "friendship' with her. no phone no. on cell. no messgae from the so called friends. strange same place get togethers. seems like he is going out of his way to make it seem that his friendship doesn't exit.know the saying - the lady doest protest too much........in this situation, this man protest too much.investigate more and you will find proof. he seems squeaky clean but then you can't be that clean???? maybe her number is under someones name. or maybe he has another cell. check his emails. check his FB. hey, basically check everything.and please do not feel bad that you are snooping. you are his wife and you are entitled.
...............................
|
