A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi, I'm hoping to get some advice regarding my daughter. She is 22 and since age 16 has gone straight from one boyfriend to another, usually unemployed guys who don't treat her well. Last year I told her that her latest BF couldn't live here but could visit so she left home, took a year out of University and got into lots of debt, for which she now blames me. Her latest BF is now staying here and paying £20 per week (he is unemployed and sometimes has jobs sometimes doesn't). I really want her to finish her degree as she worked so hard for it, through GCSE's, A Levels etc and is in her final year. However since being with these guys she has a terrible attitude almost as if everyone owes her a living. I asked her to observe some simple rules which included boyfriends not being allowed to sleep over, especially new ones (I have another younger daughter here), not making noise at night as I have to sleep and keeping the communal areas of the house tidy if she uses them ie kitchen bathroom sitting room. She feels that she should be able to make as much noise as shen likes whenever she likes, cook for herself and her BF and not tidy up the mess and come in whatever time she wants (I lock the door at night because I am alone here with my other daughter and the yale lock does not afford enough protection if someone tries to get in). My daughter gets loans and grants from college but does not think she has to contribute to food for the house and they both just eat everything in sight. I am a single parent with a provisional diagnosis of MS and I lost my job through redundancy and am looking for work but at the moment am on a very low income. I have always been generous with both of my daughters in the past, including buying them both new laptops last summer out of my redundancy money so they would have a good computer for college work etc ... I feel however that my older daughter simply doesn't appreciate anything that myself or my parents do for her and almost seems to fantasise and make up stories to suit her own case. Has anyone else had this problem and if so any advice on how to deal with it would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.
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male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (9 November 2010):
 Our children do what we let them get away with. You've made perfectly reasonable rules. She's not abiding by them. And you have let her get away with it.
Am I correct in thinking that your fear is that she will fail to complete her education if you get tough with her? So that's what she's holding over your head? If she's in her final year, she'll be done in April or thereabouts. OK, you're stuck until then, another six months.
From the moment she graduates, the slightest infraction of the rules means she's evicted. At 22 it's high time she got out into the world and learned that not only does it not owe her a living, it's in fact sink or swim. Shielding her from that discipline does her no favours. And coddling her, given your limited means, takes away from your other daughter, not to mention setting a bad example.
A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (9 November 2010):
 She is 22, an adult. Your riding thr guilt wave and she is absolutely using you and obviously knows which buttons to press.
You have done your job, raised her to adulthood and gave her all you could, it's time for her to learn the realities of life.
My daughter is 21, has just finished her degree and is looking for fulltime work. She has to do her own washing, share the work with cooking cleaning and shopping and although her boyfriend stays over the odd night, there is no way I would let him move in here. I also make my daughter contribute to the council tax and food (not a large sum of money but something to let her know living is not free( I also have a long term health issue and bith my kids know I can only take so much.
Set out some ground rules. Contributing some money, doing her chores and moving the boyfriend out. If she doesn't like them, tell her that the big wide world is out there for her pack her bags and wish her the best of luck.
She is an adult...she will cope and if she doesn't then it's her own fault. You need to get tough because it's the only way she will learn respect.
let us know how it goes
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2010): Quite frankly, she sounds like a spoiled brat. I'd kick her out if I were you--and there's no way I'd let these boyfriends spend one night in my home. She's obviously disrespectful to you and doesn't care what you do or say. And she really needs to grow up and learn that the world doesn't owe her a living.
Good luck. I hope you find a way to deal with her!
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