A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I am in a long term relationship with an older man. The age hasn't been an issue until recently. I am in my mid 20s and he is in his mid 40s.We had led a quiet life together which we both liked. I had a bit of social anxiety and was unwell for a while. Now that I am all good I am wanting to be more social, go out, make new friends etc. He doesn't want any of it.He likes us only doing things together, with old friends, and only stuff like having people over for dinner. I like all of that too but I don't have any friends I've had for years and would like to do other things as well.His response is rigid. It feels like it is his way or the highway and to be honest it is a shocking response from an otherwise loving caring man.I would just LOVE to go out, have a few drinks and dance. Nothing heavy or more than that. It just doesn't sit well with him. He doesn't want to come, certainly doesn't want me to go alone, doesn't like it that I've made friends he hasn't met... yet he doesn't really want to meet them either!I feel like I am being hemmed in. I disregarded what I saw as his unreasonable feelings and went out one night while he was away seeing his sister. His resposne was that he couldn't handle it any more and wanted to end our relationship.It is like I am put down to a choice... him or friends. It feels like an impossible choice.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2009): While you were weak and vulnerable with anxiety he could call the shots and keep you close. Now you have gained confidence he no longer has control over you - yet he is trying to exert control by deciding what you do and when and now even threatening to end the relationship over it. He is displaying emotionally abusive tendencies (www.hiddenhurt.co.uk). He might appear loving and caring but if you think about it, its all on his terms!! This is not good news and does not bode well. Personally I think it could be less about the age gap (which is probably making him feel insecure - but you do offer for him to come out so he's not exactly being excluded there is he)and more about the fact now you are more confident in yourself you are starting to notice his approach to the relationship is unacceptable. I think you have worked hard to become the woman you are and do not throw this away. You are not to be a bird with clipped wings in a cage.
A
female
reader, HereAreMyTwoCents  +, writes (14 September 2009):
 Obviously, things are not peachy keen. Evaluate your priorities. He is probably jealous. You said there's an age difference. Add to that, if you are very social and he isn't, then that is a conflict. If his jealousy doesn't get any worse than not wanting you going out alone or making new friends, it's not the worst thing in the world, if as you say you do maintain friends and have them over for dinner. But his jealousy may manifest itself in other areas too, and then you have to ask yourself how much you can take. If you can be a homebody like him it could work, if not, then maybe it can't.
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