A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm about 20 years old now. I've been married since I was 18 and I'm pregnant with my second child. My husband is amazing, has a great job, and our relationship is just fine. My problem is, shortly before our first was born, we moved to a new state. Went from a large city to a town of about 5000 people. The area is nice and all, but I've been here almost two years now and I haven't been able to make any friends. I go to church, and I've got a gym membership, and I've been keeping my eye out for any other community groups I could join, but it seems no matter what, no one wants to have anything to do with me. I feel like most of the time they're judging me for being married with kids so young. Most of my time is spent with just me and my son at home. I take him for walks or to the park, or let him play with his toys while I clean, andI go to the gym when my husband is home. We occasionally go see my in laws who live in town, and they babysit when my husband and I want some time together. This is how it's been for the past year and a half. I've been dying to have some time to go out with other people. I'd be just fine bringing my son, too. I feel stuck and miserable. Is there anything I can do? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2014): It's just that most women at your age are either still in college, or working on a career. By that time they've got one and half kids, they are in their 30's; and they're lives are too busy to spend their mornings and afternoons socializing.
I suspect you are a little shy and you don't initiate conversations with strangers. If you wait for other people to break the ice, or appear shy in a group of people; they tend to leave you alone. They assume they'd make you feel uncomfortable. Depending on the part of the country you've settled into, it just may take time for your neighbors to warm up to you. You still have to extend a friendly hand and a smile. You just may not find people with time for coffee-chat or afternoon tea.
When you take your son to the park, there are usually other moms or nannies there watching children at play. Strike up a conversation and introduce yourself. Don't expect to make immediate friends with people, just show your warmth and willingness to be friendly. Settle for a friendly on the spot conversation. Ask about community meetings and join in neighborhood safety and beautification committees.
I think you want a lady-friend to hang around with, and hoping to establish a close friendship with someone your age and a situation that mirrors you own. That is like making a dating match. That may only happen by chance.
Close friendships happen when they happen, a friend doesn't always fit all your desirable criteria. People grow on you. You'll just run into some random person and you'll hit it off. You start with your closest neighbors. Making small-talk and slowly getting to know them.
My sister had a similar situation when she and her new hubby moved to their first new house. She was a working mother who took time-off after her second pregnancy. Kids born 10 months apart!!! She felt really lonely. Either her female neighbors were elderly, or too busy-body for her comfort. She took daily walks and along the way, if she saw a neighbor outside; she stopped and had a chat. She kept it up as long as the weather permitted. They seemed a little standoffish. She didn't care.
Next thing she knew, when walking her dog in the evening; she couldn't move a few feet before people were greeting her, or they'd come out to offer her home-baked cookies or a pie. They'd wave at her, and her husband, as they drove by. They just warmed up over time. The first year or so that they lived there, it was like they were invisible. People just peeped through the blinds, or watched them without speaking. Most of her neighbors had lived there for years and just didn't offer her a welcoming committee. She said they'd smile or nod, but that was it.
Her effort to reach out may have turned the tables. They didn't know her. So if she had waited to be approached, instead of just walking up and introducing herself; they may have assumed she wanted to be left alone. Most young people are generally friendly; but technology has made us all a little less social and somewhat reserved around new people. I think you're looking for someone to fill your lonely day and that may never happen.
Volunteer for helping with church programs and social events. Almost all churches have pageants or socials; so just become friendly with married-people close to your age. Most may be in their 30's and older. Not many as young as you, are already established and successful. If you're looking for a specific profile match, you may not find it. Make the best of what you've got. Don't rule out an older lady-friend or an older couple. You may not find the "Sex in the City" relationships you see on TV.
Just be friendly and reach-out to people. People will warm up to you. It isn't fair to assume it has anything to do with them judging you, or conscious of your age. They just don't know you. Most young people in their 20's these days roll their eyes when an older-person (even in their 30's) tries to be friendly. They're pretty ageist and snotty.
A friend is a friend. When you don't match lifestyles and situations down the checklist, you just blend into your situation and make the best of it.
A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (6 October 2014):
 Your life sounds like an eviable one. Millions of women would give anything for the life you describe. I fail to see a problem. Sorry, good luck
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (6 October 2014):
 No, OP, I don't think that they are " judging " you for being young, married with children - if you talk about people more or less you age, it is that you don't have much in common in terms of lifestyle, you have made a different choice than theirs , and although I do not doubt you are very happy with yours, and they UNDERSTAND that you are happy with yours... in practice you belong to different worlds with different wants and needs. Typically girls your age, unencumbered, would go dancing and go home late and sleep through the whole morning / early aft.- and I am not even talking about wild partiers or bringe drinkers, just , 18-21 y.o. girls.
Or, they could afford to go somewhere ( grab a bite, a dash to the mall, a weekend out of town ) spur of the moment, following an impulse, while a young mom typically needs planning and organization ( and a good babysitter ) just for the simplest errand or outing. You live different lives , that's all.
You say you'd be fine taking your child along- but probably they would NOT be fine ! I don't want to give offence to anybody and I WAS once a young mom myself, but people with kids often can't wrap their head around to how other people wants to spend child-free days or nights.
It's not like I am a wild party animal myself ,...yet, honestly, I am giving a wide berth to same age or older friends saddled with watching their grandkids. I am not a kid person, and I want to do adult,interesting stuff, not spend my free time sitting on a bench at the playground. Or, have to babyproof again my house for someone else's kids visiting. I'll do these things when it will be my turn ( not too soon, I hope, my son is 24 ) - and I am phylosophically prepared to see a limitation of my social life, and of the people I CAN hang out with.
Again, I don't think it has got anything to do with
" judgement "- it's a practical issue.
I think your target should be other young moms, or young families. At some point, if you send your child to daycare or pre -K or whatnot, the issue will sort itself out, you'll be swamped with birthday parties and mommies' breakfasts and school plays and numerous occasions to talk to, and make friends with , women like you.
In the meantime, be proactive. ASK. There's nothing wrong in wanting companionship , it's not a shame. You are the new girl in town and want to make some social contacts, what's wrong with that. The fact of living in a small town plays in your favour. If you were in Manhattan and you'd approach a stranger near the sandbox , telling her " what a cute kid you've got, hey, I was thinking, would not you come over one of these days for a coffee and a chat while the kids can have a little playdate ? " - she'd call the police. In a town of 5000, they KNOW who you are, or they can easily find it out.
Or, doesn't your husband have any married coworker that he can invite over ( with spouse and kids ) for a meal or just a coffee ?
Or, you can talk to who is in charge in your church ( the pastor or minister or who is it ) and ASK to be introduced to other ladies with children. OR, you can post a bulletin, in church or at the public library, or even at local Mcdonalds, saying that you are tryng to set up a weekly " Mommy and me " group and who's interested can call you.
Children are a great icebreaker- they are the reason, and the excuse, to approach people with ages / hours / habits similar to yours. Then, from there, with a bit of luck, you can find people you get along with and be able to organized " real " outings ( for dinners or movies or walks etc. ) if everybody finds babysitting ,lol, or at least everybody can bring their kids along .
Don't be shy, try something along these lines. You don't have to make a pest of yourself of course- then again, don't feel like you are imposing - who knows how many housewives / moms like you there are , in need of some company and a little distraction from daily routine. You are OFFERING something to them , not just asking .
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