A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Ok, so I really need help with my girlfriend. We're been together a long time, met at uni about 7 years ago. We live together and have recently moved into a new house. I've suddenly had a realisation that she's super selfish... I think... Essentially, she won't ever do anything I want to do, but expects me to do everything she does. Now whereas I obviously don't expect people to do things they don't want to do, I do feel she should take a hit for me at least now and then as I do for her, enjoying being involved in what makes me happy... If you get me. Examples: at the weekend we made plans to go to the cinema. We have a night out planned for next weekend and I promised her Id take her out and get her something new to wear. We were in the car the other day and she said "let's call to the shops and get something for next weekend." We were already out so seemed fine... If never have said I couldn't be bothered, but I hate shopping but agreed in an instant anyway as she works hard and wouldn't get time through the week so it made sense. Anywya we went shopping for a few hours and I suggested we go for a drink that night. She told me that she didn't want to go out deinking two weeks in a row as she wouldn't get time to recover (she seriously works super hard). I thought this was a pretty weird excuse because it was Friday night and she was off all weekend... Anyway after we'd been shopping she grinned over her two new out fits (she couldn't decide on one!) and told me she might go out with her friends that night. I was obviously annoyed because we had plans and she's already told me she didn't want to go out two weeks running.. (I can be annoyed at this right)Anyway she later said that she wasn't keen on going out but changed her mind because she didn't want to miss out on a night out with her formed a and asked why I couldn't just tell her to go and have a nice time . She never went on the end, despite me saying she could (granted I said I thought it was a bit shirty of her) and this led to us not going on with our cinema plans either/.This might seem like a pathetic example, but it's one of many. From small things like this and things like me saying "l'im hungry,let's stop and grab some lunch while we're out" and her saying I don't want to, to us moving into a place i stressed that I really didn't want to move to because I lived there before and hated it, but it was easier for her (and to be fair it is an hour easier for her a day in travel and prion ably only 30 more for me) .It now feels like everything is on her terms. She never wants to do anything with me unless she wants to ISO it anyway...Even our sex life is the same. She has a really low sex drive... It's practically ally non existent. The only real times we have sex is when I initiate it, and this is usually effort... Often I've been rejected on an U countable number of occasions before hand. And when we go have sex it's always as she wants it... Which almost never involves any foreplay or very little ... And it's never her doing anything to me if it is..:I've tried mentioning it to her, and I do really love her. But she doesn't believe me and I'm really close to walking out. It's probably worth pointing out that's she never stops me doing what I want, just seems to never "take one for the team"Am I being u reasonable? I think it's probably down to me being a bit soft and letting her get her own way....
View related questions:
foreplay, moved in, sex drive, sex life Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (6 October 2014):
 I must admit that personally I don't much get the concept of
" taking one for the team "- unless exceptionally and if strictly necessary. Like, I don't know, attending with my partner a wedding where I'd be bored, but my absence would be commented negatively , criticized, give offence ... and my partner would be harassed / embarassed because of it... oh well, it's once in a blue moon kind of thing , might as well bite the bullet and make HIS life easier. That type of things.
Otherwise , I don't see why you can't do each your thing when you want and need. You are hungry - and she has to eat with you , or watch you eating ? Why ? take her home, then go eat . You feel like drinking , and she must drink too ? Why ? And so on and so forth. As she mentioned , why can't you be happy for her if she has fun and does the things she likes , even if you don't join all the time. Same as she never prevents you from doing anything you want.
Being a couple may require sacrifices, true. It does- so let's keep them for the really important, unavoidable occasions , and for the rest of the time, let's live and let live ! Your attitude reminds me a bit that of those long -suffering moms who are always quick to play the card of " After all I have done for you.... ". Well, who forced you to do things ?!...Only do what comes from the heart , and gives joy and pleasure to you TOO, without expectations of payback, or of creating obligations, and
everything will be lighter and easier.
On the other hand, yes, I guess you have been a bit of a softie, a tad doormattish, because that as I said, applies to mundane things, like the choice of a movie, or a restaurant, or a Tv channel... not to the important decisions that should be taken together, as a couple. Like, where to live. Why the heck did you accept to go living in a place you HATE ? only to begrudge it and resent it later ?.. THAT was a good occasion to put your foot down and show her that your wants and needs count as much as hers, and, when they CAN'T be dealt with separately,( like going for a drink), ...they must be taken into account to reach a JOINT decision.
In short - only yourself to blame, it's like you have given her the message that you know she counts " more " than you and there's sort of a price to pay for the privilege of being her boyfriend, and you are more than willing to pay it .
It's not that you can't overturn this trend, but, as it took a while to build it up, it will take you time, patience, and a definite change of attitude.
Then again, as Chigirl says, we can't sort out the possibility that your relationship has just run its course... Often, alas, love is not fully balanced and bi-lateral... there's often one who loves... and the other who let himself / herself be loved....
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2014): From a girls perspective your relationship is extremely one side. I think that your girlfriend is reaping all the benefits of being in a relationship and leaving you with scraps. Just enough to keep you hanging on. Honestly it sounds like she is just using you. I would call her out on it. I would tell her the exact same thing you posted here. Tell her you are getting tired of putting 90 percent into the relationship when she's only giving you 10. That if she keeps it up you will walk out and end your relationship with her. If it does keep up actually walk out. Relationships should be 50/50. Explain that to her. Explain that you do things for her with her in mind that she should be considerate towards you and what you want just the same. If she can't do that then she's not worth it.
...............................
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (6 October 2014):
 I think you are right in that you are too soft. After 7 years, she knows she will get away with behaving the way she does. You never complained before... But now it is a real problem for you. The sex part, unfortunately, cannot be changed. A low sex drive isnt something you can will higher. But the participation in other activities is something that can be changed.
If you say she doesnt believe, start taking notes! Write down the episodes, with dates, so you will be able to give her specific examples and an idea of how often they occur.
But, it could also be that after 7 years, the relationship has just run its course...
...............................
|
