A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I split up with my ex-boyfriend at Christmas 2009 after 2 1/2 years and have never really got over him as there was no official split as such - I mistakenly thought we would work things out but he never responded to me so in time I came to the conclusion that he didn't want to see me anymore. I had been feeling abit insecure from about 3 months before we split until the Christmas and thought perhaps he was seeing someone else but put it down to paranoia as he had been the most wonderful man I had ever met and had been working 3 jobs so that we could move in together and have children. My Dad even said recently that he thought my ex was going to be his son-in-law (and my Dad has never liked my boyfriends). All my family and friends thought he was fantastic and something really special like I did. I never stopped hoping that one day he would contact me again, as we were such soulmates.Over Christmas 2009 I had texted his best friend and his sister-in-law to wish them a Happy Christmas because I thought that we could still be friends, however I never heard anything back from any of them. This hurt me so much to be frozen out like this, but I figured that their loyalty lay with my ex so I left it alone. Over time, I had gradually become more depressed because I didn't hear anything from him at all, but remained strong and resisted the urge to contact him and got myself out there dating again (even though none of it worked as I was still thinking about my ex).However, today I noticed some photographs that had come up on my ex's sister-in-law's profile which featured my ex and this woman looking very happy and loved-up. They were dated last April, however I then looked on this woman's profile and they were together before that - it really hurt as I hoped he had been moping around feeling miserable as much as I had. I have a feeling they were together just days after we split up going by her posts, but back in September that year she was saying that she had been with her other half for 2 1/2 years and she was feeling like the relationship wasn't going anywhere. This other half she refers to may have been my ex (in which case he had been seeing us both at the same time and that she was being kept secret to his family!) - this would make sense as this was around the time he was acting distant. He also used to lie to his mother about his whereabouts saying that he was staying with me because his mother didn't like him staying over with this friend he had who she said was an extremely bad influence. I didn't question him about this at the time because I trusted him, but now I'm wondering if he had been staying with her some nights throughout our entire relationship and this was all just a cover for it. However, we used to walk around his town all loved up so I doubt he would do that if he was seeing this other woman at the same time otherwise she could have seen us. Alternatively, this other half she refers to may have been an ex of hers.I then saw that this woman became friends with the sister-in-law over Christmas 2009, so she was certainly on the scene only days after my ex and I had 'split up'.She also has members of my ex's family as friends on Facebook, but they never requested me as friends. They seem to worship the ground she walks on, far more than any of them did with me. She also mentions weekends that he's taken her away on, and that he's made her breakfast in bed - all things which he never did with me. There was even a picture of him dancing which absolutely horrified me as I had spent months trying to get him to dance with me as it was one of my major hobbies and he always refused and me being the nice girlfriend didn't force the issue as I didn't want he to do something he didn't want to! It's not the fact that he didn't want to do certain things, it's the fact that I've now learnt that he didn't want to do them with me that makes me feel so upset! There was even one photograph that looked like their wedding photograph, although there were many comments from other people saying that they thought that too. She refers to my ex as the love of her life just like I did with him. I just sat there staring at this picture thinking it should be me.It was only this hope that we would get back together that kept me going and now all this hope has gone. I was so shocked by what I saw today that I started shaking and feeling physically sick. I now feel like now I've found all this out that our whole relationship was a sham and that he never really loved me at all.I feel so utterly confused and heartbroken.
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best friend, christmas, depressed, facebook, get back together, heartbroken, insecure, my ex, soulmate, split up, text, wedding Reply to this Question
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male
reader, CJH +, writes (24 January 2011):
 You have two choices really, you can either continue down this path of uncovering more and more hurtfull "facts" or, you can force yourself to move on and carve out a life without this guy being in it.
I know youve carried a torch for him since you split and what youve written leaves no doubt that you are extremely upset and hurt - all for good reason - the point is though, you need to put an end to that.
Listen, the fact the girl was on the scene just days after you and the ex split does not mean they were at it behind your back. In times of trouble we all tend to lean on family and perhaps the girl was a friend of other family memebers and was there to comfort your ex when he needed it most - I`m sorry to be blunt there but thats a better scenario than the pair of them cheating on you isnt it?
You could spend weeks and months, even years, agonising over this. You may never get to the facts completely right either. Is there any point in that? No, there isnt.
The relationship ended and he moved on. Its completely natural to be hurt and upset that he seemed to get over things more quickly than you did but even that doesnt mean the relationship you had wasnt as special as you thought it was. A lot of people quickly move on to somebody else on the rebound - have you considered that?
There a few things you really need to do for yourself:
STOP looking for information and answers. You will put two and two together and end up with 6.
STOP telling yourself he was the love of your life. None of us know whats around the next corner the next man may be a million times mroe special than your ex.
STOP thinking about this. Occupy your time with friends, hobbies or whatever just do all you cant to keep this out of your mind.
I know it isnt easy and I know that quest for the truth and the associated ups and down are addictive to you right now but there comes a time when you need to close the door on the past regardless of the questions that burn in your mind.
You need to get on with your life, I think you know this dont you?
Good luck x
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