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age
51-59,
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writes: Sorry, but this is a very long post. I guess I need to get some of these confusing issues out in the open and am glad for any advice that could help.Anway, I was with my ex for 18 years. From the first I spoke to him every day, and the longest I ever spent away from him was when he went to America on holiday. (Even then he was phoning and writing to me every day)Everyone around us kept commenting on the depth of love we had for each other, and a few people were jealous of how close we were.Anyway, due to stress at work, a dysfunctional family and several major childhood sexual abuse issues, I had a nervous breakdown and became unable to work. My ex tried but eventually he confessed he couldn't cope, felt resentful towards me and wanted out of the situation.It wasn't the first time he had left me. Over the years we've only had one problem, and that was sex. Our sex life was wonderful completely off the scale, but due to several traumatic experiences it was always difficult to relax into it, and therefore sex was too infrequent for him.When he reached 30 he decide to leave me. I arranged for him to move into my mothers house. He was back within the week, confessing he couldn't live without me and wanted me to be the mother of his children. But things were never the same, and little by little he became more critical of me and sometimes openly hostile. I sometimes caught him looking at me with hate and disgust.Anyway it all came to a head one night. I didn't feel I was getting enough emotional support and told him to get out. Boy was I suprised when he packed his bags and left. Within two weeks he started dating someone else and I was totally devestated. But I knew he still loved me and I chased him shamelessly until he dumped his new girlfriend and came back. It didn't last. He kept critising me and told me that in a perfect world he would want be with me and his last girlfriend, which added to my feelings of insecurity. Eventualy he started avoiding me, and then admited that he wanted to finish because he had found a new girlfriend.Because this relationship seemed more important to him than the last, I pulled back and tried to maintain a friendly relationship with him, as I thought it only fair to his new girlfriend. But he has made passes at me (only to tell me not to tell anyone in case his girlfriend finds out) He calls me at least once every 3 months and then starts it beomes more frequent and he start to phone me every two weeks telling me he misses me and wishes he never left me and suffers everyday. He demands to see me and comes to my house without notice. But when I ask him if he's happy with his girlfriend he always says yes.Because we have family and friends in common we met last year at a wedding. I told him I was bringing my new boyfriend, who he has met, because even when I was dating someone new he was always calling me and visiting me. When I asked if he was bringing his girlfriend he said no.... "because of selfish reasons".He promised that he would always be my friend, then later told me he couldn't see me cause his girlfriend didn't like it. This lasted 2 months before he started visiting and calling me again. (all behind her back) When he comes to visit me (in the home we shared for 10 years) he always checks my bathroom cabinet for men's toiletries.I was a confident women before I met him, but now I feel totaly insecure, I don't know what men see in me, and believe that men are telling me lies to get sex. I don't believe it when they tell me I'm beautiful, engaging and intelligent and they love my kindness and my company. My new partner (best friend, sexual activity and no commitment) keeps telling me this but I don't beleive himI'm suprised at my ex's behaviour, cause he's very clinical and cold, and always acts on any decision he is commited too. I thought that when he left he'd want nothing to do with me. How long will he continue to contact me and what does it mean. Why can't I bite the bullet and put an end to this dysfunctional relationship, so we can both move on and be happy.Sorry this is so long, but I have no one else to talk to. Everyone that knows my ex, hates him for making me so sad, even though I don't. (Can't help it, I understand him, and love him "warts and all") I know he loves me and is hurting, but it's difficult for me. I want to give him what he wants, either to move on and be with someone else or to work on our relationship. Everytime I decide to forget about him a liitle, to move on and become intimate with someone else, he calls or visits. It's become a family joke, as soon as I get well (they say) he'll be back to drag you down. What does he want, how can I move on or get him back, I feel stuck!
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Country Woman  +, writes (6 May 2008):
 Sweetheart through all of this you don't mention children so I am assuming that you don't have children together?
Your ex is just typically a man in some senses, please excuse this from insulting any men on this site but it is like a dog with two bones, when you were free and available he didn't want to know but he now knows you have someone in your life and he does too but if he gets bored he knows that he can come back into your life unannounced and just click his fingers, how damn arrogant is that. He knows your weaknesses and he knows your past and what happened to you so he knows what buttons to push.
Enough is enough, tell him no more as it is screwing up your head.
I do think however that you could do with some counselling, not that your losing your mind at all but your self confidence is still at an all time low and you don't value yourself. Even your new boyfriend tells you how great you are but whilst you feel you are less than perfect you will allow your ex to keep on picking you up and dropping you and putting you down. You need to work on your great points and the only way of doing that is believing in yourself but I don't believe you can do this on your own. Contact Relate as you can visit them on your own and you can also get referrals to a sexual counsellor through Relate as well and this may resolve some of your childhood issues, it does cost but if you let them know that you only have a certain amount of money you could afford on say a weekly or fortnightly basis they do take that into consideration.
Believe me after I found out my ex was cheating on me we went through Relate and then individual counsellors and it made me a much stronger person emotionally and after the death of my dad last February it has allowed me to understand emotions and why we react in the way we do sometimes so I think this would be good for you to get rid of the demons of your last relationship and to not carry these onto either your current relationship or any new relationships in the future.
Do this for you and ONLY you - not for anyone else. Start looking in the mirror every day and tell yourself how wonderful you are and how good and true you are and tell yourself how beautiful you are, you wouldn't attract a new boyfriend if you weren't so start believing in yourself. Sweetheart we only get one chance at life so don't live it in a miserable existence, stop being a doormat and start getting stronger, change your locks on the house so your ex can't get in. What if you were having a close time with your bf and he walks into your home. It isn't on and don't let him put you down he has done it for too many years, tell him to go home to his girlfriend otherwise you will personally tell her that he is harrassing you and also if you want rid of him then tell him you will report him to the police for harrassment as you have had enough and you want to move on with your life. He will see that you are getting stronger but you need to believe it yourself OK.
Start getting a little angry with him as he is just doing what he wants and doesn't seem to give a damn about what you want to do with your life. I was with my ex for almost 20 years and he was very controlling but I have a gorgeous 7 year old daughter who I thank my lucky stars is in my life and so we will always have a connection and need to discuss things.
Put yourself first now, you deserve true happiness. Make the call to Relate today or go online and look for a certified counsellor/therapist and don't feel ashamed, we all need help from time to time in life. Only you can make the move so call them today eh, in the meantime we are all here for you OK.
BFN
Country Woman
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